| hansdelbruk
|
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn.”
Reply #1001. Oct 23 10, 1:29 PM
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| hansdelbruk
|
Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity.
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
Reply #1002. Oct 24 10, 7:06 AM
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tigasrule 
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'I like seeing experienced girls home.'
'But I'm not experienced!'
'You're not home yet.'
(Donald McGill, 1875-1962)
Reply #1003. Oct 28 10, 8:55 AM
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tezza1551
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I'm afraid only Aussies or very dedicated horse racing fans will get this, but here goes anyway...
Multiple Melbourne Cup winning racing trainer was admitted to hospital yesterday, and is understood to be in a stable condition.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Reply #1004. Oct 28 10, 9:14 AM
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ozfei
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Made me giggle Tezza, and I am not a racing fan.
Wish they would get off that topic on the 'news'. it's not like he has to run or ride in the Cup LOL
Reply #1005. Oct 28 10, 8:04 PM
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| hansdelbruk
|
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What
would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"
HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)
WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure,
it's a great house.."
WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where
else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That
would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."
WIFE: --
silence --
HUSBAND:
"damn."
Reply #1006. Oct 29 10, 6:15 AM
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| hansdelbruk
|
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was
engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out
laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad
here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a
season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his
magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a
season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
Reply #1007. Nov 02 10, 6:35 AM
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| hansdelbruk
|
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
Reply #1008. Nov 03 10, 7:16 AM
|
channe
|
As the airplane was readying for take-off the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your tripwhile your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination".
When the attendants came with the drinks cart a male passenger in the 8th row said "Did I understand correctly, is the captain a woman?".
"Yes" she replied, "In fact the entire crew is female".
"My God, I'd better have two scotch & sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women in the cockpit".
"That's another thing" said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office".
Reply #1009. Nov 06 10, 3:51 PM
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| hansdelbruk
|
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school
class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the
word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an
example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks
him dead, that would be a tragedy."
No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would
call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern
voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were
struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell
me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great
loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Reply #1010. Nov 08 10, 7:55 AM
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| hansdelbruk
|
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite
case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached
them, and 2 years later he performed a private concert for the Queen of
England.
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and
both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a
gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
woman was drunk as hell and she rode a horse head-on
into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was
the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them
together and now she's the Speaker of the House.
Reply #1011. Nov 15 10, 7:21 AM
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| schuhmacher
|
Q: What's a dogs favorite part of a golf course?
A: The Ruff. (Like a dogs bark)
Reply #1012. Nov 17 10, 10:03 PM
|
triviabrandi
|
Q: Did you hear that they aren't making telephone poles any longer?
A: They're long enough (insert ha ha or tee hee here)
Reply #1013. Nov 18 10, 6:35 AM
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| hansdelbruk
|
A girl came home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we
were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home again. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of huge breasts.
"Very good," said her mother, somewhat embarrassed.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey," replied her mother, patiently. "It's because you're 25."
Reply #1014. Nov 19 10, 7:18 AM
|
| The-me
|
What is H2O4?
Drinking.
Reply #1015. Nov 20 10, 12:32 AM
|
| hansdelbruk
|
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert..
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
Reply #1016. Nov 21 10, 7:19 AM
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| hansdelbruk
|
On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride,
"I have a confession that I should have made before,
but I was concerned that it might affect our rela-
tionship."
"What is it?" she asked.
"I'm a golfer," he said.
"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.
He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that
I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday
afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a
choice between your wishes and golf - golf wins."
She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for
your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I
should tell you that I've concealed something
about my own past that you should know about. I'm
a hooker."
"No problem," was his response, "just widen your
stance a little and overlap your grip and that
should sort it out."
Reply #1017. Nov 24 10, 7:21 AM
|
alaspooryoric
|
Whom did the Irish lady keep outside on her porch during the night? Padio Furniture.
Reply #1018. Nov 24 10, 7:34 PM
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romeomikegolf
|
Again I've had to delete a 'joke' that wasn't suitable for a family site. Please remember that we have members as young as 13 and many families allow much younger children to use the site under supervision. If there is continued abuse of this thread it will be closed. We all need to have a laugh, but please make sure that any jokes posted in this thread are ones that you would be happy for your young children to read and not have to ask you embarrassing questions to explain them.
Reply #1019. Nov 25 10, 6:11 AM
|
tezza1551
|
And in the same vein as alaspooryoric's...
What do you call an Irishman who keeps bouncing off the walls ?
Answer: Rick O' Shea
Naah.. not sorry at all !
Reply #1020. Nov 25 10, 6:45 AM
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