honeybee4 
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Seen on Craigslist, Husband, free to good home...62 model.
Reply #1061. Jan 06 11, 1:52 PM
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| hansdelbruk
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Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks aweek. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Reply #1062. Jan 11 11, 6:58 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet
celebrating it, Bob was asked to give his friends a brief
account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us, Bob, just what is it you have learned from all
those wonderful years with your wife?"
Bob responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the
best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness,
forbearance, self restraint, forgiveness, and a great many
other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed
single."
Reply #1063. Jan 13 11, 6:40 AM
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playmate1111
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Dave is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
He man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
Dave replies, “My wife.”
Reply #1064. Jan 15 11, 5:27 AM
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playmate1111
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Reply #1065. Jan 15 11, 5:31 AM
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playmate1111
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Oops .. don't know what happened there :(
Reply #1066. Jan 15 11, 5:32 AM
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playmate1111
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Marriage is like a game of bridge, in the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.............
By the end you'll just wish you had a *#$%^* club and a spade.....
Reply #1067. Jan 15 11, 5:39 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000"
the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
"by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll
write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in
that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend! "
Reply #1068. Jan 15 11, 9:20 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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I went out with some friends last night and tied one on. I got really
drunk! Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never
done before. I took the bus home.
I arrived safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never
driven one before.
Reply #1069. Jan 18 11, 6:35 AM
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playmate1111
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A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bits. There's no point in you coming in for that."
Edited by RMG to remove unacceptable words.
Reply #1070. Jan 18 11, 8:03 AM
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daver852
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Doctor: I've got some good news and some bad news.
Patient: Give me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: That's the good news? What's the bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.
Reply #1071. Jan 18 11, 8:47 AM
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romeomikegolf
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Again I need to remind people that this is a family site. Certain words are NOT acceptable, even if they have several *** in place of letters. Just because a word may be socially acceptable in your country, doesn't make it acceptable here. If you wouldn't tell the joke to a 9 year old, because of the content, please don't post it on this board. If you can word it in a way that isn't offensive, or doesn't contain obvious swear words, then fine. This thread has been a source of amusement to many, myself included. I would hate to have to close it.
Reply #1072. Jan 18 11, 9:26 AM
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playmate1111
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RMG I do apologise but if this site is for 13 years and oder and if parents allow their children access to this site well they should be watching what the child has access to. I have noticed a number of "colourful jokes" here and didn't think that my joke was in the least bit offensive. I am a mother of children of well.
Reply #1073. Jan 18 11, 2:05 PM
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fontenilles
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Lets face it - most 13 yr olds know more swear words than us oldies do (at least new ones) Younger children wouldn't even recognise the words ( er... maybe)
The real problem is some adults do not like swearing and that I understand (athough in moderation it doesn't bother me :))
Reply #1074. Jan 18 11, 2:29 PM
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fontenilles
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Sorry moderation is not the word I meant to use. I meant a word I can't quite think of at the mo --- In context?? Not gratuitous Yep think that's what I meant
Reply #1075. Jan 18 11, 3:30 PM
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| megirox29
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I dont no what
Reply #1076. Jan 18 11, 3:55 PM
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lmoodie101
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RMG, please would you explain your comment "Just because a word may be socially acceptable in your country, doesn't make it acceptable here."
Reply #1077. Jan 18 11, 5:37 PM
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| REDVIKING57
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Would have thought that was obvious. This is a world site,but I would guess most members of FT have English as their 'first language'. However,some words have completely different meanings in some countries. For example,the words 'fag' and 'fanny' have quite different meanings on opposite sides of 'the pond'.
BTW,playmate - loved the joke. Even the sanitised version! :))
Anyone got any more?.............
Reply #1078. Jan 18 11, 6:34 PM
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| hansdelbruk
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.' The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?' To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.' The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.' The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.' The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the Hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?'
Reply #1079. Jan 19 11, 6:25 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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Children should be seen.....................on milk cartons!
Reply #1080. Jan 19 11, 6:42 AM
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