MoeSyczlak
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What a blonde says when she founds that she's pregnant?
"Oh my God, I hope that baby's from me!"
Reply #121. Sep 09 07, 7:11 PM
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| harrypotter528
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this is kind of weird, but its funny for me. i heard the jonas brothers say this, but you have to do this in a southern kind of accent:
"I'm going to kill you with my gun, and then I'll put you in the trunk of my car and carry you off to a desert and then I'll bring you back home to see if you're all right, because I'm going to make you some of my famous (something that you love to make) because I like it."
You probobly wont get it, but I like it. if you dont, go to  http://youtube.com/watch?v=ntSvaVtPXjM and forward to two minutes. it starts then.
Reply #122. Sep 09 07, 7:31 PM
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deadlydalton 
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Crotalus,
The M+M factory one made me laugh out loud.Good one.
What about the agrophobic homosexual?
He came out the closet and went straight back in again!
Reply #123. Sep 10 07, 12:05 AM
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| triviadude12
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Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep crap."
Reply #124. Sep 10 07, 12:34 AM
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honeybee4
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I hope this one doesn't get me thrown off the site.
What is the difference in a lightbulb and a pregnant lady?
You can unscrew the lightbulb!
Reply #125. Sep 10 07, 12:40 PM
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deadlydalton
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Tut Tut Tut honeybee.
Was a good one though.
Reply #126. Sep 10 07, 12:48 PM
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| grneyedgapch
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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help,
and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Reply #127. Sep 10 07, 12:53 PM
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| grneyedgapch
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A story but FUNNY!
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and pulls me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.
At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight"
syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when
it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they
tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
Reply #128. Sep 10 07, 1:18 PM
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| thecatteam
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This one's really long. You guys may have heard it, but this is my version.
It's long but it's worth it!
"One day a man was working in his office on the 29th floor when a paper airplaine flew in through his window. He opened it up and there was a word on it. He didn't know what the word meant, so he went to his secretary to see if she knew what the word meant."
Man: Can you tell me what this word means? (shows secretary the paper)
(secretary swoons)
"Since the secretary was out cold, the man went to see his boss."
Boss: What are you doing here?
Man: Well, I was working in my office on the 29th floor when this paper airplane flew in through the window. There was a word on the paper airplane and I didn't know what it meant, so I showed it to the secretary and she fainted.
Boss: Well, show me this word it can't be that bad.
"The man showed the boss the sheet of paper and the boss immediatly yelled, 'You have 5 minutes to pack and get out of here, you're fired!'"
"The man dejectedly packs his stuff, rides the elevator down, walks out of the building, hails a taxi, and tells the driver his address."
(as they are driving along)Driver: Say, you look dejected. What's wrong?
Man: Well, I was working in my office on the 29th floor when this paper airplane flew in through the window. There was a word on the paper airplane and I didn't know what it meant, so I showed it to the secretary and she fainted. Then, I showed it to my boss and he fired me!
Driver: Well, I've heard lots of words in my taxi *most of them dirty ones,* so I'll probably know what that one is.
"So the man showed the taxi driver the piece of paper and the taxi driver screamed like a little girl and yelled, 'get outta my taxi this minute!'"
"The man was shoved out of the taxi and had to walk five miles to his house. Upon reaching his house, he came across his 5 year old son riding his tricicle."
Man: *Sigh* Hello, son.
Son: What's wrong, daddy?
Man: Well, I was working in my office on the 29th floor when this paper airplane flew in through the window. There was a word on the paper airplane and I didn't know what it meant, so I showed it to the secretary and she fainted. Then, I showed it to my boss and he fired me! On the drive home, I showed it to the taxi driver and he kicked me out so I had to walk 5 miles to get here.
Son: Daddy, I would like to see it.
"So, the man showed the word to his son. His son looked at him, said nothing, and rode his tricycle off into the sunset, never to be seen again."
"The man, now feeling even worse, trudged into his house where his wife was waiting at the door with some food."
Wife: Hi, honey! You're home early! How come?
Man: Well, I was working in my office on the 29th floor when this paper airplane flew in through the window. There was a word on the paper airplane and I didn't know what it meant, so I showed it to the secretary and she fainted. Then, I showed it to my boss and he fired me! On the drive home, I showed it to the taxi driver and he kicked me out so I had to walk 5 miles to get here. I showed it to our only son, and he rode off into the sunset on his trycicle, probably never to be seen again.
Wife: Dear! That word's causing a lot of trouble! But, let me see it, I'm your wife!
"The man shows his wife the word. She screams 'How could you? We're getting a divorce!' and throws a bronze lamp at him."
"The man, now kicked out of his own house, walks out and sits on the porch. His neighbor, watering his lawn, calls out a greeting."
Neighbor: Howdy neighbor! What's gotcha so bummed?
Man: Do you really want to now?
Neighbor: Sure! I'm your neighbor, aren't I?
Man: Well, I was working in my office on the 29th floor when this paper airplane flew in through the window. There was a word on the paper airplane and I didn't know what it meant, so I showed it to the secretary and she fainted. Then, I showed it to my boss and he fired me! On the drive home, I showed it to the taxi driver and he kicked me out so I had to walk 5 miles to get here. I showed it to my only son, and he rode off into the sunset on his trycicle, probably never to be seen again. When I showed it to my wife, she told me we were getting a divorce and threw a bronze lamp at me!
Neighbor: Well, I'm your neighbor, so I can see the word.
"The man showed the piece of paper to his neighbor. His neighbor squirted the hose at him and yelled, 'I'm sueing you!'"
"The next day, the man went to court because his neighbor sued him."
Judge: You look like a kind man, what's gotten you into this mess?
Man: Well, I was working in my office on the 29th floor when this paper airplane flew in through the window. There was a word on the paper airplane and I didn't know what it meant, so I showed it to the secretary and she fainted. Then, I showed it to my boss and he fired me! On the drive home, I showed it to the taxi driver and he kicked me out so I had to walk 5 miles to get here. I showed it to my only son, and he rode off into the sunset on his trycicle, probably never to be seen again. When I showed it to my wife, she told me we were getting a divorce and threw a bronze lamp at me! Then, I showed it to my neighbor and he squirted his hose at me and sued me!
Judge: Very interesting. I'm a judge, so you can show it to me.
"The man showed the piece of paper to the judge and the judge yelled, 'You're going to Supreme Court, mister!'"
"Two weeks later, the man showed up in Washington, D.C. for Supreme Court."
Man: Seriously, it's just this word!
Supreme Court Judge: What word?
Man: Well, I was working in my office on the 29th floor when this paper airplane flew in through the window. There was a word on the paper airplane and I didn't know what it meant, so I showed it to the secretary and she fainted. Then, I showed it to my boss and he fired me! On the drive home, I showed it to the taxi driver and he kicked me out so I had to walk 5 miles to get here. I showed it to my only son, and he rode off into the sunset on his trycicle, probably never to be seen again. When I showed it to my wife, she told me we were getting a divorce and threw a bronze lamp at me! Then, I showed it to my neighbor and he squirted his hose at me and sued me! I went to court and the Judge sent me here.
Supreme Court Judge: Very interesting. Let me see the word.
Man: Are you sure?
Supreme Court Judge: Yes.
"The man shows the Supreme Court Judge the word, and the Judge sits and thinks until he comes up with the conclusion that the man has not only gone against the law, but has also offended God. The man is then sent to the Pope and has to wait a month to get a flight to Rome."
Pope: I have heard of your sorrow but not from your own mouth. Tell me.
Man Well, I was working in my office on the 29th floor when this paper airplane flew in through the window. There was a word on the paper airplane and I didn't know what it meant, so I showed it to the secretary and she fainted. Then, I showed it to my boss and he fired me! On the drive home, I showed it to the taxi driver and he kicked me out so I had to walk 5 miles to get here. I showed it to my only son, and he rode off into the sunset on his trycicle, probably never to be seen again. When I showed it to my wife, she told me we were getting a divorce and threw a bronze lamp at me! Then, I showed it to my neighbor and he squirted his hose at me and sued me! I went to court and the Judge sent me to Supreme Court. I went to Supreme Court and the Supreme Court Judge sent me here.
Pope: Let me look at the word.
"The man hands the Pope the word. The Pope looks at the word and then looks at the man with sad eyes."
Pope: The only one who can fix this is the monkey who lives in a ten across the street. But hurry! He will not see anyone after 5:00 and it is 4:58 right now!
"The man, after profusely thanking the Pope, ran out of the Church (?), trying to get to the monkey's tent on time. He rushed across the street, but never got to the monkey because he was ran over by a bus.
The moral of the story is: Look both ways before you cross the street!
There, what did I tell you?
Reply #129. Sep 10 07, 9:07 PM
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| thecatteam
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Phew! and nice joke, who ever did the cat one I forgot your name.
Reply #130. Sep 10 07, 9:09 PM
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spiritseeker
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Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.
Reply #131. Sep 11 07, 2:03 PM
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| SallyRoxsSoxs
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This is a 100% swear-on-my-life story
I was in the car with my twin sister and we were arguing whose name should go first. Im a brunette and she's blonde. I said "I should go first becasue Im older"
She said "I should go Im younger"
I said "I should go first cause Im brunete"
She said I should go first cause Im blonde"
I said "Youre a dumb blonde!"
She said "Youre a dumb brown!"
<4
Reply #132. Sep 11 07, 2:20 PM
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MarchHare007
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A golf pro was in a hurry to catch a plane and filled his pockets with golf balls in order to save time.
He was soon seated next to a lovely blonde woman and the plane took off. He soon noticed that the woman kept looking at him and realised that she could see the outline of the golf balls in his pockets.
He smiled at her and said 'It's alright. It's only golf balls'.
She smiled a little uncertainly in return but still kept looking at him.
Finally she leant over to him and whispered 'Is it as painful as tennis elbow?'.
Reply #133. Sep 13 07, 8:59 PM
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spiritseeker
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An old man on his deathbed implored his wife, “When I am gone I want you to marry Fred Uhland.” “Why Fred Uhland?” his wife asked. “You have hated him all of your life!” “Still do,” gasped the old man.
Reply #134. Sep 16 07, 1:25 PM
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spiritseeker
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Is there another word for synonym?
Reply #135. Sep 17 07, 7:36 AM
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deadlydalton
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I'm just back from Wakefield in England with my friends.Only four hours away by coach from Scotland and this conversation took place between two young Scottish boys in their bedroom in the hotel.(two daft young men)
Colin shouts out from the bathroom;
"Is it OK to drink the water from the tap down here?"
His friend Scott replies;
"Dont know,I'll phone my dad and find out"
Think these guys thought they were in Tunisia or Uganda or somewhere exotic.Idiots.
Reply #136. Sep 17 07, 9:55 AM
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MarchHare007
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Bob the Builder was working with his friend Tim the Toolman hammering floorboards on a verandah.
Tim said 'You use the hammer, I'll hold the nails. When I'm ready I'll nod my head and you hit it'.
Reply #137. Sep 20 07, 9:53 PM
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| tobertz_20
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Yuo know...
I just like to laugh haha...
Reply #138. Sep 20 07, 11:50 PM
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fontenilles
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Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One guy, a German shepherd owner, says "Let's go in that bar over there and have a drink."
The other says "They'll never let us in with the dogs."
The first replies "Just follow me", and dons a pair of sunglasses. When the doorman stops him, he says "But this is my guide dog", and is allowed in.
His friend does the same. The doorman says "I've never ever seen a Chihuahua guide dog before". To which the guy responds "WHAT! They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!"
Reply #139. Sep 22 07, 1:53 PM
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albtucker
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Hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
he sat up all night wondering was there a dog!
Reply #140. Sep 23 07, 12:33 AM
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