paulmallon 
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(( IT WAS MY FIRST DAY WITH THE HOOK))
LOL
THE BLOND MOTHER
Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Johnny 'Giving up?
Reply #1221. Sep 23 11, 9:28 AM
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paulmallon
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The math teacher saw that Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Reply #1222. Sep 24 11, 9:40 AM
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paulmallon
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THE BLOND POLICEMAN
Johnnys kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "
Reply #1223. Sep 25 11, 1:50 PM
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| attogora
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Reply #1224. Sep 26 11, 12:03 AM
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paulmallon
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Johnny MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Johnny 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Johnnys kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ......'
Reply #1225. Sep 26 11, 8:22 AM
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paulmallon
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Well, give the old guy credit, at least he knew where he was going:
A Police STOP at 2 AM An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
His wife , BTW, happened to be blond!
Reply #1226. Sep 27 11, 8:30 PM
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paulmallon
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OK, SO THERE IS THIS CONVENT OF NUNS IN THE MOUNTAINS OF BAVARIA WHO ALL HAVE TAKEN THE VOW OF SILENCE-WITH ONE EXCEPTION...EVERY FIFTH CHRISTMAS ONE OF THE NUNS MAY SPEAK A SENTENCE.
FLASH BACK TO 12/25/1450, THEY ARE ALL SITTING AROUND THE FESTIVE DINNER TABLE WAITING TO HEAR WHAT SISTER HILDA (WHOSE TURN IT IS) IS ABOUT TO SAY.
FINALLY AT THE CONCLUSION OF THE MEAL SHE PROCLAIMS "I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE "VANILLA" ICE CREAM FOR DESSERT EACH CHRISTMAS.
NOW FLASH AHEAD 5 YEARS TO 12/25 1455, REMEMBER NO ONE HAS SPOKEN A WORD SINCE DINNER 5 YEARS EARLIER, AND NOW IT'S SISTER GERTRUDE'S TURN TO SPEAK.
EAGERLY THE OTHER SISTERS OF THE CLOTH AWAIT HER STATEMENT AND THEN FINALLY SISTER GERTRUDE SAYS: I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE "CHOCOLATE" ICE CREAM FOR DESSERT EACH CHRISTMAS.
FINALLY WE MOVE AHEAD FIVE YEARS , WITH AGAIN NO WORDS HAVING BEEN SPOKEN THROUGHOUT THE CONVENT SINCE DINNER 5 YEARS AGO.
THIS YEAR IT IS SISTER BERTHA'S TURN TO SPEAK AND THE HUSHED (NO PUN INTENDED) ORDER OF NUNS SIT SPELLBOUND SENSING SOMETHING PROFOUND FROM SISTER BERTHA WHO SUDDENLY LEAPS FROM HER SEAT AND SCREAMS "I WISH SISTER HILDA AND SISTER GERTRUDE WOULD STOP THEIR CONSTANT F**KING BICKERING
Reply #1227. Sep 28 11, 7:48 AM
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paulmallon
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At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men
please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was crushed to death
Reply #1228. Sep 29 11, 8:11 AM
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paulmallon
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SeniorWedding
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore… Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The
works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Reply #1229. Sep 30 11, 10:17 AM
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paulmallon
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Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced
Reply #1230. Oct 01 11, 8:57 AM
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paulmallon
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Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Reply #1231. Oct 02 11, 8:36 AM
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paulmallon
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Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Reply #1232. Oct 03 11, 11:24 AM
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paulmallon
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Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Reply #1233. Oct 04 11, 9:49 PM
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paulmallon
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Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Reply #1234. Oct 05 11, 2:36 PM
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paulmallon
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Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".
Reply #1235. Oct 07 11, 1:46 PM
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hm3buzz
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A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
Reply #1236. Oct 09 11, 4:06 PM
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paulmallon
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One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
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Reply #1237. Oct 09 11, 9:15 PM
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paulmallon
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One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
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Reply #1238. Oct 10 11, 7:51 AM
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paulmallon
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A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see some coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" he goes "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!"
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Reply #1239. Oct 11 11, 10:37 AM
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paulmallon
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A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."
Reply #1240. Oct 12 11, 5:22 PM
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