paulmallon 
|
thanks for your contribution to this page
Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.
Reply #1261. Nov 01 11, 10:24 AM
|
Mommakat
|
Little Zachary was doing very badly in Maths. His parents had tried everything. Tutors, Mentors, Flash cards, Special Learning Centres. In short everything they could think of to help him with his Maths.
Finally in a last ditch effort they took Zachary down and enrolled him at the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His Mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner and to her shock the minute he was done he marched back to his room and without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while his Mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation his Mom looked at his report card and to her surprise, little Zachary had gotten an "A" in Maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity, so she went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the Nuns?"
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, "No".
"Well then", she asked, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the Uniforms? What was it?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around".
Reply #1262. Nov 01 11, 8:07 PM
|
Mommakat
|
Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror taking a long hard look at herself.
"You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"
She turns to face her husand and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."
Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for Harvey Goldman will be held Tuesday morning at 10.30.
Reply #1263. Nov 02 11, 3:55 AM
|
Mommakat
|
Pat and Mick were standing at the base of a flagpole. A woman walked by and asked them what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Mick, " but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench out of her bag, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches". and walked away.
Pat shook his head and laughed, "Now ain't that just like a dumb blonde, we ask for the height and she gives us the length."
Reply #1264. Nov 02 11, 4:00 AM
|
paulmallon
|
Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Reply #1265. Nov 02 11, 3:13 PM
|
paulmallon
|
last of the lawyer jokes (I think)
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q.If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A. Who cares?
Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.
Q. What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A. Jewelry.
Reply #1266. Nov 04 11, 9:06 AM
|
paulmallon
|
God
said, "Adam, I
want you to do
something for
Me."
Adam
said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
want me to do?"
God
said, "Go down
into that
valley."
Adam said, "What's
a valley?"
God explained it to
him. Then God said,
"Cross the
river."
Adam said, "What's a
river?"
God explained that
to him, and then said,
"Go over to the
hill....."
Adam said, "What is a
hill?"
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On
the
other side of the
hill you will find a
cave."
Adam said, 'What's a
cave?'
After God explained,
He
said, "In the cave
you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a
woman?'
So God explained
that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
want you
to
reproduce."
Adam said, "How do
I do
that?"
God first said (under
His breath), "Geez....."
And then,
just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as
well.
So, Adam goes down
into
the valley,
across the river, and
over the hill,
into the
cave, and finds the
woman.
Then, in
about five minutes, he was back.
God,
His patience
wearing thin, said
angrily, "What is
it
now?"
And Adam said....
*
*
(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)
*
*
*
*
*
"What's a
headache?"
Reply #1267. Nov 05 11, 1:52 PM
|
daver852
|
Today is the 236th anniversary of the founding of the Marine Corps (apologies if I posted this before, but it's one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard).
A retired Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant and a retired Navy Chief Petty Officer were sitting at the bar at the local VFW, arguing about which was toughest branch of the Armed Forces.
Reply #1268. Nov 10 11, 6:41 PM
|
daver852
|
Today is the 236th anniversary of the founding of the Marine Corps (apologies if I posted this before, but it's one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard).
A retired Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant and a retired Navy Chief Petty Officer were sitting at the bar at the local VFW, arguing about which was toughest branch of the Armed Forces.
"I did 40 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly. "Fresh out of boot, I hit the beaches at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand over the bodies of my dead comrades, bayoneted three Japanese soldiers, and took out a machine gun nest with a single grenade."
"As a Sergeant in Korea, I commanded a company at Pork Chop Hill. For four days and nights we went at it with the Chinese, the bodies piling up on every side, with no quarter given and none taken."
"Finally, as a Gunnery Sergeant, I served six tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razorgrass 18 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitos, ducking sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. It was one firefight after another; we'd fire until our arms ached and when we were out of ammunition, then we'd charge Charlie with our bayonets. It was all blood, guts, gore and death!"
The Chief considered this for a moment, and then took a swig of his beer and gave the Gunney a contemptuous look.
"Just as I thought," he said. "Nothing but [expletive deleted] shore duty."
Just kidding - Semper Fi!
Reply #1269. Nov 10 11, 7:02 PM
|
coachpauly
|
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Here come the elephants.....
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Nothing he didn't recognize them ...... :)
Reply #1270. Nov 12 11, 5:22 AM
|
paulmallon
|
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
Reply #1271. Nov 12 11, 11:48 AM
|
paulmallon
|
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
Reply #1272. Nov 13 11, 12:52 PM
|
paulmallon
|
SPEAKING OF BARBERS:
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the doorA priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the doorA priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the doorA priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door
Reply #1273. Nov 14 11, 11:24 AM
|
| DivineMsDRL
|
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Reply #1274. Nov 14 11, 10:15 PM
|
paulmallon
|
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Reply #1275. Nov 15 11, 7:36 AM
|
paulmallon
|
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone.. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
Reply #1276. Nov 16 11, 10:28 AM
|
coachpauly
|
Why are all elephants big, grey and wrinkled?
Because if they were small, white and round, they'd be a ping-pong ball......
Reply #1277. Nov 17 11, 5:40 AM
|
paulmallon
|
One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?" To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises." The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." "Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?" "Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school." "Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks. To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a dang but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."
Reply #1278. Nov 17 11, 10:15 AM
|
paulmallon
|
coach pauly:or a golf ball :-)
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
Reply #1279. Nov 18 11, 12:40 PM
|
| Lorvanwa
|
Q: What did the digital clock say to its mother?
A: "Look mom, no hands!"
Reply #1280. Nov 19 11, 8:55 AM
|
Legal / Conditions of Use
|
Play Now! 
: