I thought so too! And believe me there is a lot of truth in it. Been there twice..LOL|
Reply #1301. Dec 05 11, 11:38 PM
THE LAST LAUGH|
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting he meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know!", said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, you go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years, and then watch the expression on HIS face!"
Reply #1302. Dec 06 11, 5:55 AM
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After enquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing....|
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead, right there in the middle of the vegetable patch."
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
Reply #1303. Dec 06 11, 5:59 AM
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.|
After some time he realizes that he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after a lot of rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed"
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
Reply #1304. Dec 06 11, 6:08 AM
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY;|
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the final masterpiece.
Reply #1305. Dec 06 11, 6:09 AM
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"|
Reply #1306. Dec 06 11, 8:45 AM
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
Reply #1307. Dec 15 11, 11:16 AM
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."|
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dummy, it's Tony Blair!"
Reply #1308. Dec 17 11, 11:39 AM
Hee! Hee! Hee! Good one, Paulmallon.|
Reply #1309. Dec 17 11, 8:02 PM
That IS a good one, Paul! The only problem is remembering all of it when relating it to friends at a party....after 2 or 3 glasses of vino!|
Reply #1310. Dec 18 11, 12:36 PM
Not going to go through to see if done before, but here is a Christmas one for you all.|
A Blonde (who else?) goes into the local Post Office to buy her Christmas stamps. She says to the Clerk, "May I have 60 Christmas stamps please?"
The Clerk says, "What denomination?"
"Oh God!" she said, "Has it come to this? Well give me 20 Catholic, 15 Presbyterian, 12 Lutherans 10 Methodists and 3 Baptists"
Reply #1311. Dec 20 11, 6:07 PM
A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
Reply #1312. Dec 20 11, 9:52 PM
FROM "TURBO" OF THE SPORTS FANATICS:|
Subject: Little poems odes and limericks
Posted: Dec 22 11 2:17 PM
We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mi…ce,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing,
grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship…
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.
Reply #1313. Dec 22 11, 3:49 PM
this from my grandson yesterday:|
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup (scroll down)
anyone can roast beef!
Reply #1314. Dec 26 11, 4:20 PM
The UN is deciding another conflict in the Middle East, and the Israeli consul begins his opening statement:|
"Ladies and gentlemen, before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you. When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt, he had to go through the desert, so the people became very thirsty and needed water. So, of course, he struck the side of a mountain with his staff, and a pond appeared with clean, drinkable water. Moses wanted to take a bath by himself, though, so he went to the other side of the pond, took his clothes off, and dived in. Only, when he came out of the water, he discovered that all of his clothes had been stolen. Ladies and gentlemen, I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."
Yassir Arafat, enraged by the accusation, jumped out of his chair and shouted: "This is a travesty! It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at that point in time!"
"And with that in mind," continued the Israeli consul, "I'd like to begin my speech."
Reply #1315. Dec 26 11, 8:27 PM
Have you ever wondered why Sharks circle? Well here's why......|
Two great white sharks, were swimming in the ocean and spied several survivors from a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son" said the Father shark to his son and they swam towards the people in the water.
"First we will swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." So they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all our fins showing"
"Now we eat everybody," said the father shark - and they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad why didn't we eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His very wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first."
Reply #1316. Dec 29 11, 9:21 PM
FOR THOSE OF US WHO CAN REMEMBER WATCHING BLACK AND WHITE TV|
FOR THOSE OF US WHO CAN REMEMBER WATCHING BLACK AND WHITE TV
Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.
There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'
We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
and while the night away.
We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore a*ses
from riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is,
and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too damned old!
Reply #26. Dec 30 11, 12:23 AM Reply
Reply #1318. Dec 30 11, 12:26 AM
A parachutist jumped out of a perfectly good airplane. His parachute failed to open but he was very fortunate to land on a chicken coop which had chicken wire covering the top. He just strained himself.|
Reply #1319. Dec 30 11, 8:43 PM
HERE YOU GO M-KAT:|
Retire Aged Personnel Early
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.
Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The programme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.
Reply #1320. Dec 31 11, 7:55 AM
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