| ROIdude
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Studies show that 5/4 people have trouble with fractions.
Reply #1321. Dec 31 11, 4:48 PM
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Mommakat 
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Good one! Paul - Mk.
Reply #1322. Dec 31 11, 9:08 PM
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paulmallon
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Happy NY M'kat
Reply #1323. Jan 01 12, 12:38 AM
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paulmallon
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir .'The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating . Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control . As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ? The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher. As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut? The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving. And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE BE QUIET? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?
Only when he's been drinking .
Reply #1324. Jan 01 12, 12:57 AM
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Mommakat
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A sixteen year old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, 'I bought it today".
"With what money?" demanded his parents, "We know what a Porsche costs"
"Well" said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder, "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?"
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name but she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh, my goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next. John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has actually run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed that he was stranded and asked to sell his new Porsche and wire him the money, So I did"
(Are women good or what?)
Reply #1325. Jan 01 12, 1:22 AM
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Mommakat
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Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car he notices there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand I was doing the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, Officer. We just got off Route 127."
Reply #1326. Jan 01 12, 1:28 AM
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paulmallon
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(( we just got off route 127))
LOL
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".
Reply #1327. Jan 01 12, 12:49 PM
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paulmallon
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DON'T GET UPSET LADIES...THESE ARE JUST JOKES :-)
(My wife made me say that)
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
- Nash
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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Anonymous
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Henny Youngman
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
- Anonymous
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First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
- Anonymous
Reply #1328. Jan 02 12, 10:02 AM
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Mommakat
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WELL THIS ONE IS FOR THE GIRLS YAY!
He said....I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
She said....You wear pants don't you?
He said.....Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said....That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said.....What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room. "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it. "I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds eventually mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows exactly where he husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home and see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Man says to God, "God why did you make a woman so beautiful?"
God says, "So you would love her"
"But, God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says, "So she would love you" AMEN!
Reply #1329. Jan 02 12, 6:08 PM
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daver852
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A Marine Gunnery Sergeant found himself assigned to recruiting duty. One day he was confronted with a potential recruit who had aced his physical, but had performed very poorly on the academic exams.
"Son," said the Gunny, "These are the lowest scores I have ever seen. A monkey could have done better. Why do you want to join the Corps, anyway?"
"My father thought it would be a good idea, sir," the boy replied.
"Your father? Was he a Marine?"
"No, sir. He's in the Navy."
Reply #1330. Jan 04 12, 8:49 PM
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paulmallon
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We've all at one time or another given our best try at tongue twisters, have a look through this funny list and see how you do...
Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.
Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.
Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.
Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.
Reply #1331. Jan 05 12, 3:29 PM
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paulmallon
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After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on the American Male's recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Reply #1332. Jan 06 12, 2:11 PM
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salami_swami
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Haha, these are wonderful! Even when I'm not feeling too bad, they made me better. :P
By the way, Paul... I am a master of tongue twisters, and did not struggle at all to say those five times fast. ;)
Reply #1333. Jan 06 12, 2:30 PM
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paulmallon
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salami: I got plenty more where they camme from...
Reply #1334. Jan 06 12, 2:34 PM
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paulmallon
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for the salami man:
Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.
Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.
Six seals slick sick seals.
How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?
Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.
I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.
I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.
Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore
Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!
Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?
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Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.
Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.
Six seals slick sick seals.
How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?
Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.
I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.
I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.
Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore
Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!
Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?
Reply #1335. Jan 06 12, 2:44 PM
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paulmallon
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he tells tall tales twice-oops
Reply #1336. Jan 06 12, 2:45 PM
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salami_swami
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I said them all perfectly accept the Irish wrist watch one. :P
The sheets I slit one is my favorite... None of my friends can say it, but I said it perfectly the first time of hearing it. They didn't like me much afterwards. ;)
Reply #1337. Jan 06 12, 3:12 PM
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tflow
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This chat did what it was intended to do and made me laugh.
Reply #1338. Jan 06 12, 3:56 PM
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| DivineMsDRL
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I am not a pheasant plucker,
I am a pheasant plucker's son,
I'm only plucking feathers,
Til the pheasant plucker comes.
Reply #1339. Jan 06 12, 5:34 PM
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Mommakat
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There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. One Sunday he preached, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest, and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age. A few days after the new replacement priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mr. Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen"
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you are laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
Reply #1340. Jan 07 12, 2:54 AM
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