Mommakat 
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Mary's husband, Bill, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was women's work! But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and the table set for a meal. She was astonished; something's up.
It turns out that Bill had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office colleagues all about it.
"We had a great dinner, Bill even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening"
"But what about afterwards?" they asked.
"Oh, that was perfect too. Bill was too tired!"
Reply #1361. Jan 12 12, 9:14 PM
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paulmallon
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OUCH! :-)
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman ..
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Reply #1362. Jan 13 12, 10:34 AM
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REDVIKING57
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Seems British and Americans aren't so different,after all!
Reply #1363. Jan 13 12, 12:10 PM
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| Greatguggly
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That list is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. Of course it all being true makes it funny. If you think about it, there are ideas for at least 5 good songs in there.
Reply #1364. Jan 13 12, 4:49 PM
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paulmallon
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Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Reply #1365. Jan 14 12, 11:54 AM
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Mommakat
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Good one Paul :) Tee hee hee!
Reply #1366. Jan 14 12, 5:13 PM
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paulmallon
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Subject: Price of gas in France
When the price at the pump goes up we generally ask ourselves why! I hope you will be amused at this rationale!
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
I had no Monet
To buy Degas
To make the Van Gogh.'
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .
Reply #1367. Jan 15 12, 10:35 AM
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daver852
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Father Mike Flannigan was speeding down the interstate at 100mph when he was pulled over by the State Police. When Father Mike rolled down his window, the policeman noticed an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
"Father," asked the cop, "have you been drinking?"
"No, my son," he answered, "only water."
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?"
Father Mike glanced down at the empty wine bottle and exclaimed, "Saints preserve us! He's done it again!"
Reply #1368. Jan 15 12, 1:10 PM
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tezza1551
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Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs
burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to
make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you
call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed
overnight.
Q: How many Management Information Services guys does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem
and has assigned you request number 359712. Please use this number for
any future references to the light-bulb issue.
Q: How many divorce lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 3 - one to argue for the rights of the old lightbulb, one to argue
for the rights of the new lightbulb, and one to argue for the rights of
the light socket
Reply #1369. Jan 15 12, 11:30 PM
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daver852
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One day a drunk wandered into the Catholic church and found his way into Father Mike's confessional. A minute or two went by, but the drunk didn't say anything, so Father Mike coughed softly to let the man know he was there. Still nothing. After another minute or two, Father Mike tapped softly on the partion, hoping this would inspire penitent to begin his confession.
"It ain't no use knocking, buddy," said the drunk. "There's no paper in this one, either."
Reply #1370. Jan 16 12, 7:39 AM
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Mommakat
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Hope this has not been posted before -
On record in court.
ATTORNEY: Doctor before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No!
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No!
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No!
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No!
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
and this one
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8.30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was laying on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
and this
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
and finally -
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes!
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Aaah!.....
Reply #1371. Jan 16 12, 9:15 PM
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paulmallon
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Memory Clinic
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
Fred turned to his wife.
"Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
Reply #1372. Jan 17 12, 8:34 AM
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bananapeel39
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It was inevitable....
To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I started to cry when I thought of you.
Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap ... I'll see you on the bus!
Reply #1373. Jan 18 12, 1:03 PM
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paulmallon
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save me a window seat on the bus!
GUIDO THE ITALIAN LOVER
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing
at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular
young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his
apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where
he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you
finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You
finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to
him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman
unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they
end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping..
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes,
smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,
"No, I'm Norwegian."
Reply #1374. Jan 19 12, 9:48 AM
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paulmallon
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MAMA'S BIBLE
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved
to Florida .
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.
She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."
Love, Mama
Reply #1375. Jan 20 12, 10:41 AM
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paulmallon
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Subject: FW: Italian Cruise Ships
The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill.
After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner.
Some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship.
“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” said Churchill.
“First their cuisine is unsurpassed."
"Second their service is superb."
"And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first.”
Reply #1376. Jan 22 12, 2:08 PM
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daver852
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Good one, Paul!
Reply #1377. Jan 22 12, 2:56 PM
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| nautilator
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A man travelling through the Orient passed a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large stone O in the middle. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar, softly chanting “Nil... nil... nil...” while ceremonial priests sang prayers to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.
Eventually, the man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked “Is Nothing sacred?”
Reply #1378. Jan 22 12, 5:35 PM
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tezza1551
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Australia Day is only a couple of days away, so just to remind our overseas friends what Oz is all about, here's a quick guide:
WE ARE AUSTRALIANS! ('Nuff said!)
We, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand)
And although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch
And moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians.
Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse races.
Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that 'it's liveable'..
At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
Thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens.
Its capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it.
Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together.
In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception.
Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders.
SA is the state of innovation.
Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown,
Just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen).
They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of the track caused the Formula
One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work.
WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the Government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles.
It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too.
Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there
And the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland ............While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland- it's beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes, and there's Canberra . The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition.
Not that we're whingeing; we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.
We want to make 'no worries mate' our national phrase, 'she'll be right mate' our national attitude and 'Waltzing Matilda' our national anthem.
(So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide??)
We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race
And still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count,
Like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.
We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.
We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and p*ssed by lunchtime.
Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded,
Sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.
I am, you are, we are Australian.
Reply #1379. Jan 22 12, 8:47 PM
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Mommakat
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Tezza - the funniest thing I have read for ages. ROFL
Trouble is, it is very close to the mark.
Reply #1380. Jan 22 12, 10:42 PM
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