Creedy 
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You'll probably get deported by an immigrant, Tezza :).
The PM is Welsh. You're a goner, lol.
Reply #1381. Jan 22 12, 11:06 PM
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paulmallon
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a little British humour
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Reply #1382. Jan 23 12, 8:31 AM
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daver852
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The AFL-CIO was having a convention in Las Vegas, and one of the union bosses decided he'd have a bit of fun. After looking around for a bit, he found a bordello and went inside. There were dozens of beautiful women standing around in various stages of undress. So he went up to the Madame and asked how much it would cost to take advantage of their services.
"For $500, you can have any girl in the house," she answered.
"How much of that goes to the girl, and how much to the house?" he asked.
"$400 to the house, $100 to the girl."
"That's outrageous!" said the union man. "You're exploiting your workers."
"Well," replied the Madame, if you don't like our policy, you can go to the union house across the street."
The labor boss did as she suggested, and found the second house of ill repute. Just as in the first one, there were dozens of seductive women, and the price was $500.
"How much goes to the house and how much to the girl?" he asked.
"This is a union house," replied the Madame. "$100 to the house, and $400 to the girl."
"This is more like it," he thought. He pointed out a statuesque redhead, paid his money, and was told to go upstairs and wait. In a few minutes there was a knock at his door. When he opened it, there stood a wrinkled little old lady in her 80s, wearing a revealing nightgown and leaning on her walker.
Outraged, the man stormed downstairs and confronted the Madame.
"What's going on here?" he demanded. "I told you I wanted that redhead over there in the corner, and you send me some broad old enough to be my grandmother!"
"I know what you said you wanted," replied the Madame, indignantly. "But like I told you, this is a union house. Ida has worked here almost 60 years, and she's got seniority."
Reply #1383. Jan 23 12, 10:57 AM
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paulmallon
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Gandhi
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him very frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what?
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A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Reply #1384. Jan 23 12, 3:59 PM
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| Trigger7
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Just heard about my dear neighbour , little old 84 year old Lady. She is quite distraught that she has just lost her companions of 30 years, 2 cute and doting little monkeys.
She just could not imagine not having them in her life any more, so on another neighbour's advice, she took the two little bodies to a taxidermist, to see how he could help.
The taxidermist listened to her heart tugging story , then asked her, "I will help however I can, would you like them mounted?"
"Oh Heavens No, just holding hands would be fine"
Reply #1385. Jan 24 12, 7:34 PM
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paulmallon
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There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Claire-Lee and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He became quite besotted with Claire-Lee and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Claire-Lee while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with Claire-Lee.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...
"I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone"
Reply #1386. Jan 25 12, 3:09 PM
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paulmallon
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INTERNET WARNING:
If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi,"
don't open it... It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi
Reply #1387. Jan 26 12, 9:25 AM
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Mommakat
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Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of a heart attack. She married again and she and Bob had a further 7 children. Bob was killed in an auto accident 12 years later. Again Judy re-married and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord they are finally together".
Great Aunt Ethel leaned over to her best friend Margaret and said, "Margaret do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
Margaret replied, " I think he means her legs, Ethel......."
Reply #1388. Jan 26 12, 5:17 PM
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tezza1551
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Thiws is what would happen if the Department of Political correctness ever got hold of "Waltzing Matilda":
The politically correct version
Once a Jolly Swagperson temporarily halted by a water source
Under the shade of an indigenous eucalypt species
And he or she sang as he or she watched and waited till his or her kettle boiled (using solar power)
Will you consent to perambulate on a dance floor Matilda with me, please.
Down came an introduced livestock species to drink at the water source
Up jumped the swagperson and grabbed him/her/it with glee
And he or she sang as he or she stuffed the introduced livestock species into his receptacle
Will you consent to perambulate on a dance floor Matilda with me, please.
Down came the land leaseholder (and owner of the introduced livestock species) mounted on his tame introduced equine species
Up rode the peacekeepers, one, two ,three
"Where's that jolly introduced livestock species you secreted in your receptacle"
Will you consent to perambulate on a dance floor Matilda with me, please.
Up jumped the swagperson and jumped into the water source
"You'll never take me alive" said he or she
And his or her apparition may be observed as one passes by the water source
Will you consent to perambulate on a dance floor Matilda with me, please.
Consenting adult perambulating Matilda, consenting adult perambulating Matilda
Will you consent to perambulate on a dance floor Matilda with me, please.
And he or she sang as he or she watched and waited till his or her kettle boiled (using solar power)
Will you consent to perambulate on a dance floor Matilda with me, please.
Reply #1389. Jan 26 12, 5:30 PM
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paulmallon
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it's that time again.....THE DARWIN AWARDS are out!
These Annual Honors are given to the persons who did the human gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
You may recall that last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.
This year's winner was a genuine Rocket Scientist...no jive! Read on...and remember that each and every one of these is a true story. The nominees were:
Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police
spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the concrete," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from numerous rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized, but lived.
Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter
was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing
the blast had never been thought of as ''especially bright'' by his peers.
And now the winner of this year's Darwin Award; as always, awarded posthumously;
THE 2011 WINNER!
Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
Police investigators finally pieced together
the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off...actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and
found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car,
jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5
seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.
The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles
(15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes,
blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of
approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
Really.....we couldn't make this stuff up.
People like these are all around us. They have kids and they vote!
Reply #1390. Jan 27 12, 12:03 PM
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| da_man11
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Semi-finalist #5 reminds me of someone I used to work with. I had been told to bring something out with a propane powered forklift. I worked at night and, as the forklift wouldn't turn over, I tried to read the fuel gauge in very little light. Suddenly this "Genius" appeared at my side, produced a cigarette lighter and said "need a light?". Thankfully the tank was empty or it would've been hard to explain where the forklift went after the explosion.
By the way, last I heard, the "Genius" is now a manager.
Reply #1391. Jan 27 12, 2:31 PM
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tezza1551
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Yes, unfortunately, they live and breed..
many years ago I was an volunteer ambulance officer at a traffic crash.. I was leaning through the window trying to stabilise a patient until the firies could get the Jaws of Life to free him.. smell of petrol everywhere and I suddenly heard my usually mild mannered co-worker abuse someone loudly & strongly.
Later I found out that a curious bystander had parked his car, got out to assuage his curiosity and was about to light a cigarette...luckily for me, people noticed..
Reply #1392. Jan 27 12, 5:04 PM
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Mommakat
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Well you know the old saying - "there's one born every minute"
Reply #1393. Jan 27 12, 7:12 PM
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paulmallon
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Q:where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: exactly where you left him!
Reply #1394. Jan 28 12, 4:27 PM
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paulmallon
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An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Reply #1395. Jan 29 12, 7:41 PM
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paulmallon
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THE BLONDE AND THE LORD
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made
for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens
the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink!
Reply #1396. Jan 31 12, 9:27 PM
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paulmallon
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GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
.... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started
Adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
Reply #1397. Feb 03 12, 10:34 AM
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| shakira25
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Lol very fun congrats u cheered me up thanks
Reply #1398. Feb 04 12, 8:39 AM
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paulmallon
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:-)
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens
when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a
female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Reply #1399. Feb 07 12, 9:43 PM
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BaronBatty
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What's the difference between American stand-up comics and lutefisk? The lutefisk are funnier.
What is the national vegetable of the state of Ohio? The lutefisk.
How many lutefisk can you fit into a barrel of sugar cookies? Usually about ten before store security catches you, only five if the barrel is still on the export boat.
Lutefisk is not funny. Really, the white fillets of fish are not funny at all. Actually, there is not much to lutefisk aside from a subtle taste, flavor, and texture that is palatable to most folk. However, lutefisk are an ideal subject for humor. After all, the lutefisk are not going to tell jokes back.
What is the national flower of the state of Minnesota? The lutefisk.
Someone in the state of Wisconsin developed the lutefisk pizza, complete with lutefisk flour, lutefisk-flavored cheese, and lutefisk tomato sauce. Sales of the product were lukewarm, though. Nobody understands why, not even the lutefisk.
Whoever said, "I never met a lutefisk I didn't like"? We know that Will Rogers said that he'd never met a person he didn't like. However, what's to like about a lutefisk, or to dislike about a lutefisk? Lutefisk have no personality, whatsoever.
The State of Michigan is presently doing a year-long psychological assessment on the personality profile of the lutefisk. This study was funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, and is a serious undertaking. Don't laugh, please, this is a serious, very serious matter, just like there are serious cookies - evidently, the lutefisk has become a serious fish deserving of its own definition within the Diagnostic Standard Manual.
What is the national bird of the state of Michigan? The lutefisk, which is absolutely not to be flipped, ever.
Speaking of flipping, there are pancake houses that serve smoked lutefisk instead of bacon along with their pancakes. These are the sorts of places that Danes attempt to find in the United States when taking a long walk instead of trying to amuse tourists from the snowbanks with their lie-down comedy routines. A lot of Danes tell lutefisk jokes during the Arctic winter, and the popularity of these jokes is pervasive.
Here's some news for recent immigrants to the United States: filet mignon is not a type of French lutefisk, in fact, filet mignon is not a type of fish.
Here's some news for Czechs visiting Helsinki: American stand-up comics are not lutefisk. A lot of people from Czechoslovakia do not realize that the lutefisk are not tourists. Perhaps the exports to this nation were of the nuclear variety, which might explain a few things.
Never, ever try to do a stand-up comedy routine from a snowbank. The wind chill factor is intense in most places that have snowbanks, and a person's skin quickly develops the color and texture of lutefisk.
Some tourists to Stockholm confuse the lutefisk with Swedish fish. Let me clear up this misconception: the lutefisk is served for dinner, Swedish fish are served for dessert. Now you can safely go back to your filet of fish and jello shot dinner, as long as you remember to feed your house gecko.
 http://voices.yahoo.com/lutefisk-jokes-2163983.html?cat=22
Reply #1400. Feb 09 12, 12:23 AM
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