Lets cheer upjokes please - General Message Board

An old lady who was lonely bought two parrots. She was not able to tell which was male and which was female so she asked the petshop owner how you tell.

"Oh that's easy", said the owner, "Parrots make love every morning so just creep in first thing and whip off the cover"

The old lady did this and sure enough, was able to pick out the male, but to ensure that she knew him in future, she put a little white collar around his neck.

All went well until about two weeks later when the Vicar called for tea. The male parrot looked up, saw him and squawked, "Ah hah! I see you were caught at it as well."

Reply #1461. Mar 18 12, 10:33 PM

merrijig

There were 3 old stockmen having a beer in an remote pub way out in the Aussie outback, and as men of that ilk are prone to do, they were exaggerating and making boasts as is the custom.

The subject got around to personal heroics and toughness, and Gazza the first bushie said "You want toughness. Ill show you toughness". He then displayed his left wrist, which had a thick scar encircling it and continued "I chopped my hand off clearing some scrub, making a firebreak cos the bushfire was on its way thru. Didn't have time to worry about the wound because the fire was almost on us, and the town would have gone up in smoke, so with my right hand I recovered my severed left hand and stuck it back on my left wrist, flexed my left hand a few times. It seemed to have reattached itself ok, so I continued as tho nothing had happened, and saved the town. Now that's tough ! even if I say so myself!"

Well digger, who was sitting to his left said "aaah... that's sissy stuff! You want tough, I'll show you tough". and with that. he rolled up his left trouser leg and displayed a huge scar encircling his knee. He explained, " similar story to yours Gazza, but I saved 5 towns from a raging bushfire. I was using a tractor and slasher to clear the scrub, and the blade broke, and cut off my left leg as i was driving the tractor. Now, I didn't have time to wallow in self pity. I was the only bloke there doing the job. Things were critical. The towns were about to go up in smoke, so I hopped off the tractor on my right leg, found my severed left leg, reattached it, stomped on it a little. It seemed ok, so I got back up on the tractor, and because the slasher had only lost that one blade, I continued, and cleared the scrub. Saved hundreds of lives and 5 towns. Now even if I say so myself, I reckon that's heroic and tough !."
"hmmm" said Bluey, the third stockman. "You two guys are a couple of little girls. He took another drink from his glass, and said in a spooky solemn voice. "Boys, what you did was ok, heroic, but its nothing compared to what I've been thru.". The two looked at him and smiled sneeringly. "OK Bluey, what have you got for us" they mocked. He looked at them seriously, earnestly, and said "Boys, I've seen the other side and it;'s no picnic!" And with that, he tore open his shirt and revealed a thick Y shaped scar starting at the shoulders and travelling down to his pelvis. He only said one word... "AUTOPSY"

Reply #1462. Mar 19 12, 5:29 PM

Ever get the feeling your struff strutted off without you?

Reply #1463. Mar 19 12, 7:33 PM

DivineMsDRL

Merijig, must be Australian humour, as I don't get it. But then, I am slow on the uptake sometimes.

Reply #1464. Mar 19 12, 9:08 PM

merrijig

Divinemsdrl, well maybe its a little obscure, but he was demonstrating that he had been the subject of an autopsy, ergo, he had risen from the dead, lol, I guess the moment has passed !

Reply #1465. Mar 19 12, 10:33 PM

merrijig

A horse walked into a bar and the bartender asked him "why the long face ?"

Reply #1466. Mar 20 12, 12:09 AM

Ole and Clarence

Ole lived across the Minnesota river from Clarence, whom he didn't like at all.

They were yelling across the river at each other all the time.

Ole would yell at Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come ofer dere an beat you up good, yeah sure, ya betcha, by golly!"

Clarence would yell back, "Ya don't scare me. I cud beatcha wit one hand behind me back, fer sure!"

This went on for years.

Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now iss yer chance, Ole. Vhy doncha go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vud?"

Ole replied, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I vill do yust dat!"

Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and came back home.

Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, " Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, vhen I yell at him from across da river, he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 feet, 6 inches."

Reply #1467. Mar 20 12, 4:02 PM

Loved it Bananapeel! LOL

Reply #1468. Mar 20 12, 8:25 PM

IRISH TRADITION

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy, stepped out of the boat.....and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his Grandmother, "Grandma," he asked, " it's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen and you were born in August, ya eedjit"

Reply #1469. Mar 20 12, 8:31 PM

Medical Info Women Should Know
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q?: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.?

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q?: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Reply #1470. Mar 21 12, 4:47 PM

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7.. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

Reply #1471. Mar 22 12, 8:42 AM

So what happened to No. 1 or aren't you game?

Reply #1472. Mar 23 12, 4:23 AM

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Reply #1473. Mar 25 12, 9:05 AM

Philip_Eno

A tennis ball walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Have you been served?"

Reply #1474. Mar 25 12, 9:07 AM

A Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.
It's a man thing.

A Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.
It's a man thing.

A Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.
It's a guy thing.

Reply #1475. Mar 26 12, 4:21 PM

Sorry. I completely screwed up posting that last joke.

Reply #1476. Mar 26 12, 4:33 PM

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

Reply #1477. Mar 26 12, 4:37 PM

Reply #1478. Mar 26 12, 7:32 PM

oops, my mistake, meant to do a cut and paste and e-mail to some friends, sorry

Reply #1479. Mar 26 12, 7:34 PM