timence 
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A sausage and an egg are frying in a pan. The sausage turns to the egg and says: "a bit hot in here isn't it?", to which the egg replies..."oh my goodness, a talking sausage!"
Reply #1501. May 02 12, 6:53 AM
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navaho56
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Two dyslexic chefs working in the kitchen. One turns to the other and says "Can you smell gas?" The other one says "You joking, I can't even smell my own name"
Reply #1502. May 02 12, 7:05 AM
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bananapeel39
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'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the
garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the
doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.
'OLD'IS WHEN....
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes
Reply #1503. May 03 12, 5:45 PM
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bananapeel39
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SCOTCH WITH TWO DROPS OF WATER
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today....'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a
Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water however, is a whole other issue.'
Reply #1504. May 03 12, 6:21 PM
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Cymruambyth
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A priest and a rabbi are the only occupants of a railway carriage going from John O'Groats to Land's End. By the time they get to the Scottish/English border, they've exhausted all the conversational trivialities and are getting down to the serious theological stuff, and their different tenets of faith. The priest says to the rabbi, "Rabbi, it's a known fact that Jews cannot eat the flesh of a pig, but have you ever violated that tenet of your faith?". The rabbi shrugs and says, "I have to admit that when I was a boy, I fell prey to the temptation to find out what the flesh of a pig tasted like and I ordered a ham sandwich in a diner and ate it. So, tell me, you're a Roman Catholic priest and you are required to be celibate and chaste, but have you ever slept with a woman?" The priest blushed and admitted, "Well,when I was in my teens, before I went to seminary, I the girl who lived next door."
The rabbi smiled, "Hell of a lot better than ham, isn't it?"
Reply #1505. May 04 12, 9:52 PM
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Cymruambyth
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Shoot, trust me to ruin a joke! That should be "I had sex with the girl who lived next door."
Oh, well, try again. Apologies to all the non-Anglicans who may not get this one.
Scene: An Anglican (that's Episcopalian to Americans and Scots) Clergy Conference.
Time: Happy Hour, after the day's seminars and debates. Three of the clergy were chatting while they were enjoying their Scotch (the official drink of Anglican clergy). The first clergyman said, "I'm having a terrible problem with bats in my belfry, I don't know what to do about them. I even tried to shoot the pests but all that did was make holes in the windows and more bats flew in!"
The second clergyman exclaimed, "I have the same problem! I tried to get rid of them by putting down a sack with some bat bait in the bottom. When the bats flew into it, I tied up the sack, drove several miles into the country and released the bats. However, when I returned to the church, the bats had got there before me and they'd brought their country cousins with them, so now I have an even bigger problem!"
The third clergyman smiled and said, "Relax,chaps, I had the same problem, and I found a very effective solution. I also put down a sack containing bat bait. When the bats flew into it, I quickly tied up the sack, but before I released the bats outside, I called in the Bishop. He confirmed them, we released them, and we haven't seen them since!"
Reply #1506. May 04 12, 10:04 PM
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Cymruambyth
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Then there was the dyslexic atheist who didn't believe there is a Dog.
Reply #1507. May 04 12, 10:57 PM
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| Philip_Eno
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I saw my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line.
I was going to confront him but I got cold feet.
Reply #1508. May 05 12, 2:35 AM
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Josechingon
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A new group in town..Dam..Mothers against dyslexia
Reply #1509. May 08 12, 5:13 PM
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bananapeel39
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Does it bother anyone else when someone is on their cell phone and conducts very personal calls
that you really don't want to hear but are trapped into listening to? You'll enjoy this one:
God Bless America
After a busy day, and just as everyone was settling down for a nap on the train for home, a man sitting in the midst hauled out his cell phone and started up a loud, lengthy conversation:
"Hi darling, it's Bob... I'm on the train...Yes, I know it's the 6:30 not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting...No, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss... No, darling, you're the only one in my life...Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah . . ."
Does it bother anyone else when someone is on their cell phone and conducts very personal calls that you really don't want to hear but are trapped into listening to? You'll enjoy this one:
When this went on more than 15 minutes, a young woman sitting opposite him, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Bob! Turn off that phone and come back to bed!"
Reply #1510. May 09 12, 4:11 PM
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paulmallon
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The Dreaded Call
My boss phoned me today, "Is everything okay at the office?"
...
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been very busy; I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
"Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you.
Reply #1511. May 10 12, 6:48 AM
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Aussiedrongo
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Why did the fart cross the road?
It was stuck in the chicken's pants.
Reply #1512. May 24 12, 9:20 PM
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alexis722
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Well, that was a great way to end the day, thanks for the merriment.
Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Reply #1513. May 24 12, 9:42 PM
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BaronBatty
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was nae functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Dr. McCoy: Dammit Jim!! I'm a doctor not an farmer!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Spock: Obviously, it was the logical thing to do.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Data: Why is a barn yard fowl crossing a thoroughfare humorous?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Mr. Worf: For the honor of all chickens.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Counsilor Troi: I knew it was going to happen. I could sense it.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Computer: Insufficient information.
Q: Why did the Borg cross the road?
A: Because it assimilated the chicken!
Reply #1514. May 25 12, 5:59 AM
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| jamesbradley
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Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!
Reply #1515. May 25 12, 8:52 AM
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moonraker2
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A schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
Reply #1516. May 28 12, 8:47 AM
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romeomikegolf
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Went to the doctor over Christmas with a sore rear end. I dropped my trousers, he took one look and said "Ha, bumbug."
Reply #1517. May 31 12, 10:39 AM
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bananapeel39
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
He never knew what hit him.
Reply #1518. Jun 02 12, 6:37 AM
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| Philip_Eno
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I recently opened a shop specialising in Hot Cakes and my friend came in today and said, "How's business?"
I replied, "I can't understand it, they're simply not selling."
Reply #1519. Jun 02 12, 6:43 AM
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moonraker2
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What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !
Reply #1520. Jun 03 12, 1:51 PM
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