bananapeel39 
|
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a 'sunny beach.'
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
Reply #1561. Sep 15 12, 9:23 AM
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Aussiedrongo
|
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a grasshopper walk into a bar. The grasshopper said "Oops, I'm in the wrong joke."
Reply #1562. Sep 18 12, 8:12 AM
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| hansdelbruk
|
I was in line at the grocery store and the woman in front of me was wearing a sweatshirt that had the word "GUESS" printed across the front so I replied "IMPLANTS".
Reply #1563. Sep 20 12, 8:37 AM
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| hansdelbruk
|
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."
.
Reply #1564. Oct 01 12, 8:06 AM
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alexis722
|
I didn't go back through all the pages to see if this has already been posted, so forgive me if it's a second telling, anyway -
Three people wait at the pearly gates, and the first, a rather overly cherubic man, walks over to St. Peter, who asks him, "And how did you die, sir?" The man replies, "The Big H." "Ah," says Peter, writing in his book, "heart attack. So sorry, sir, please go through." Next, a middle aged woman comes up and Peter asks the same question, to which she replies "O, it was the Big C." "Yes, cancer, nasty thing, sorry, ma'am, go on through." Then the blonde strolls up, "Hi, Pete," she says. "And what was your cause of death, young lady?" says Peter. "The Big G," she replies. "Big G? O, you mean gonorrhea? But that's not fatal!" says he. "Well," she says, "It is if you give it to Big Al!"
Reply #1565. Oct 07 12, 11:16 AM
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| hansdelbruk
|
Presidents visit Oz
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four U.S. presidents are caught in a tornado and are whirled off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Who is next?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..., I...I think I need a heart."
"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"
Up stepped George Bush sadly and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"No problem!" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?"
"Uhh...is Dorothy here?"
Reply #1566. Oct 08 12, 9:57 AM
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Aussiedrongo
|
And did you hear the one about the man who dug three big holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Reply #1567. Oct 12 12, 12:52 PM
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daver852
|
This isn't exactly a joke, but I've always thought it was a funny story. Long time Congressman Ken Gray, from southern Illinois, swears it is true.
Back in the old days when candidates campaigned in person, Gray was making the rounds of his district when he knocked on the door of a farm house. A very elderly man opened it.
"I'm Ken Gray, and I'm running for reelection to Congess," he said. "I'd appreciate your vote."
"You'll have to speak up," grumbled the old man, "I'm a little deaf."
"I said I'm Ken Gray, and I'm running for reelection to Congress, and I'd like your vote," said Gray a little louder.
"Didn't catch a word of what you said," replied the old man.
Gray took a deep breath and shouted as loud as he could, "I said I'm running for Congress, and I'd like your vote!"
The old man smiled and shook his hand. "You got it, sonny," he said. "That #@&* we got in there now ain't worth a &*)#."
Reply #1568. Oct 13 12, 8:29 PM
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| Greatguggly
|
That reminds of an episode of "Cops". The cops got a tip about a man growing marijuana in his house. Apparently they didn't bother with or couldn't get a warrant and just decided to knock on his door and ask him some questions. A very unkempt and disoriented man answered the door. After an exchange of pleasantries one cop said, "Mr. Jones, the reason we're here is because we've received information that you may be a cultivator of marijuana." Mr. Jones responded, "Huh, a cultivator?" "Yes sir, a cultivator, do you mind if we come inside?" "Sure, come on in." Within a minute they locate several pot plants and begin handcuffing Mr Jones. The accused then begins to complain and denies ownership of the plants. "I ain't no cultivator, I'm a Presbyterian!". 100% true story.
Reply #1569. Oct 14 12, 4:04 AM
|
daver852
|
Q: How much whisky can a Scotsman drink?
A: Any given amount.
Reply #1570. Oct 26 12, 10:48 PM
|
paulmallon
|
Puns for Educated Minds
1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3.
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.
7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17.
A backward poet writes inverse.
18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
21.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Puns for Educated Minds
1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3.
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.
7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17.
A backward poet writes inverse.
18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
21.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Reply #1571. Nov 01 12, 9:58 AM
|
beergirllaura
|
A man was driving along on the Interstate when a trooper pulled him over.
Hurrying up to the man's car, the trooper gestured for the man to roll down his window.
The man did so, and the trooper said, "Sir! Do you realize your wife fell out of your car a few miles back?"
"Phew," the man replied, "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
Reply #1572. Nov 03 12, 8:14 PM
|
| crotalus77
|
A blind guy sits down at a bar, orders a beer, and asks the barmaid if she wants to hear a blonde joke.
The barmaid takes a shotgun out from under the bar and racks a shell, and then says: "I'm blonde and I have a gun. The two girls sitting to your right are blondes and they are professional tag team wrestlers. The girl sitting to your left is a blonde and is covered with tattoos and rides a Harley. The girl standing behind you right now is my bouncer, and she is also a blonde and has a black belt in karate. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind guy replies: "Well, no, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."
Reply #1573. Nov 08 12, 9:47 PM
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| Shiningstar7
|
Thanks for the laughs, LOL!
Reply #1574. Nov 20 12, 2:21 AM
|
nautilator
|
One evening Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The bartender approached him and said, "Good evening Rene! Shall I serve you the usual drink?" Descartes replied, "I think not" and promptly vanished.
Reply #1575. Nov 20 12, 9:50 PM
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moonraker2
|
Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
All of them board the train.The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.”The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was a clever idea.So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but to their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please.”
Reply #1576. Nov 22 12, 4:16 PM
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kysus
|
If April showers bring mayflowers. What do mayflowers bring? Pilgrims, of course.
Reply #1577. Nov 26 12, 12:20 AM
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| juip
|
I was in the movies and in front of me There was a ladie who had fake hair so i couldnt see the movie and i "accedently" spilt my popcorn and soda dow her hair and then she took it off and threw it at me whoopee federal prision
Reply #1578. Nov 30 12, 3:00 PM
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| JONESNIDER
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Not a joke,,, type in "C is for Cookie",,,,lol
Reply #1579. Dec 21 12, 4:52 PM
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jolana
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bananapeel39: ROFL:)
Reply #1580. Dec 21 12, 5:22 PM
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