| trypanosome
|
Here's another: A blonde and a brunette both jump off a skyscraper simultaneously, which one lands first?
The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions!
Reply #161. Nov 01 07, 11:26 PM
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colliwobbles
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs rolling around in the autumn leaves?
Russell
Reply #162. Nov 02 07, 4:17 PM
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colliwobbles
|
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Reply #163. Nov 02 07, 4:18 PM
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| DanielPoulson
|
This is a quote from Winston Churchill which I thought was very funny:
"Well, dinner would have been splendid…if the wine had been as cold as the soup, the beef as rare as the service, the brandy as old as the fish,"
Reply #164. Nov 05 07, 3:48 PM
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deadlydalton 
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Crap,intit.
Reply #165. Nov 05 07, 4:28 PM
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deadlydalton
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I've just been accused by a female down the street from me that I'm spreading it about that she is nothing but an old DOG.
Bold as brass, she knocked on my door and asked "Why are you telling everyone I'm nothing but a DOG?"
My reply, "It's not me Misses,your barking up the wrong tree there".
Tada.
DD.
Reply #166. Nov 06 07, 9:10 AM
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MeganRead
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All credit to French & Saunders Productions for this.
Two nuns were driving through a haunted wood when a vampire jumps in front of the car. One nun says to the other and says 'Hurry! Show him your cross!' so the other nun winds down the window and shouts 'Get off the road you toothy idiot!'
Reply #167. Nov 06 07, 2:56 PM
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MeganRead
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My friend told me this one.
There was a magic slide that would make you land in whatever you said whilst riding it.
The first man screamed 'Goooooold!' and landed in pile of golden coins.
The second man shouted 'Pizzzzza!' and landed in a giant pizza
The third man cried 'Weeeeeee!' and I shall say no more...
Reply #168. Nov 06 07, 3:06 PM
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| Kingofllamas
|
Ok, here's one
You're not too smart if, when playing piano, you often you lose grip on the bow.
You're not too smart if you have ever made a bonfire at a gas station for the pretty colors.
Thank you, Thank you very much.
Reply #169. Nov 08 07, 7:56 PM
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houston1127
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This joke was cut and pasted fair and square from ebaumsworld.com :
Mental Hospital
Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Reply #170. Nov 09 07, 11:37 PM
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| Pad322
|
Here is one my uncle told me
What can't you buy in a second hand shop?
Toilet paper
Reply #171. Nov 13 07, 1:57 PM
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| nuttyd
|
a man was drowning in the ocean.
a boat passed him and offered him help.
the man declined, stating that god would help him.
the boat went away.
another boat came and offered him help.
again the man declined, stating that god would help him.
the man drowned and went to heaven...
he asked god "why didnt you help me?"
god replied "i sent you two big boats, ya big dummy!"
Reply #172. Nov 15 07, 2:44 AM
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deadlydalton
|
A rather long one here.In the form of E.mail.
Here's a thought for all the Edinburgh dwellers on the service your boys in blue / black / yellow provide. True email sent to the force, lengthy but absolutely brilliantly written.....
Anonymised correspondence from a member of the public
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith Police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this meassage on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and, as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking atrocities are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunatly they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant ?????????
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ????????????????
Community Beat Officer
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear PC ?????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twits that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
Regards ???????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.
DD.
Reply #173. Nov 20 07, 10:11 PM
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| lizziedoitall
|
Why do elephants where springs on their feet?
Liz
Reply #174. Nov 20 07, 10:43 PM
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| silentdogood
|
So they don't get hurt when they jump out of trees?
Reply #175. Nov 20 07, 10:57 PM
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| Rumpo
|
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Reply #176. Nov 20 07, 11:56 PM
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deadlydalton
|
Recently,a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in London where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.It was laid out on five floors with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.
The only shop "rule" was,once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place,NEVER to return.
Two women go husband shopping.
On the first floor the door had a sign saying
"These men have jobs and love kids".
The women read the sign and said,"Well,that's better than not having a job,or not loving kids,but I wonder what's further up?"So up they went.
On the second floor the sign read, "These men have high paying jobs,love kids,and are extremely good-looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies."But I wonder what's further up?"
On to the third floor they go.The sign reads,
"These men have high paying jobs,are extremely good looking,love kids and help with the housework."
"WOW!" said the women."Very tempting,but there's more further up!" And up they went.
On the fourth floor the door had a sign saying
"These men have high paying jobs,are incredibly good-looking, love kids, help with the housework,and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh,my word! said the women "But just think what's awaiting us further on up!"
So up to the fifth floor they go.
On the fifth floor the sign on the door said
"This floor is empty,and exists only to prove that women are absolutely *'#~!%&^# impossible to please."
DD.
Reply #177. Nov 25 07, 6:45 AM
|
deadlydalton
|
What was the first town in Britain to have double glazing,and why?
Aberdeen, so the kids couldn't hear the ice-cream van!
Reply #178. Nov 30 07, 5:15 PM
|
deadlydalton
|
Bob goes into the doctors and say’s he has a problem but is embarrassed about it and thinks the doctor will laugh at him……!
The Doctor replied to his patient…"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'Whoo-Ha….' the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied……!
Reply #179. Jan 20 08, 9:33 PM
|
highfells
|
A motorcycle cop is out on patrol when he sees a car ahead driving very erratically.
As he draws up along side of it and looks in he's astounded to see that the "driver" is knitting...
Signalling frantically to attract the knitter's attention, he yells, "PULL OVER!"
The driver looks round and yells back, "NO, IT'S A SCARF!"
----------
Another lightbulb joke:
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Fish.
Reply #180. Jan 21 08, 3:23 PM
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