I've had the best morning reading a lot of the jokes on this thread. When I finally think of a good one I'll put it on.|
Reply #181. Jan 21 08, 4:28 PM
a blond guy walks into a hardware store and tells the woman behind the counter that he wants some 4 by 2's . she replied do you mean 2 by 4's he said I'm not sure let me go ask my friend in the truck he returns and says yes I meant 2 by 4's .|
she then asks him how long do you want them to which he replied a long time we're building a house
Reply #182. Jan 21 08, 4:40 PM
>An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to dig his tomato |
> >garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
> >Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
> >his son and described his predicament.
> >Dear Vincent-
> >I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
> >tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
> >plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would
> >be happy to dig the plot for me.
> >A few days later he received a letter from his son.
> >Dear Pop
> >Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
> >Love, Vinnie
> >At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
> >the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
> >and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
> >Dear Pop,
> >Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
> >Love you-
Reply #183. Jan 21 08, 5:03 PM
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.|
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factoryfloor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.
"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Reply #184. Feb 02 08, 11:53 PM
A frog walks into a bank and asks for a loan.|
“What’s your name?” Asks the woman behind the counter, a Mrs. Paddy Wack.
“Mike Jagger.” He replies.
They discuss things for a while linger, then Mrs. Paddy Wack informs him that he meets all the qualifications for the loan and all he needs to finalize the deal is something to seal it with.
Mike Jagger hands over a small plastic elephant.
“What is this?” Asks Mrs. Paddy Wack.
“An elephant,” replies Mike.
“I will not accept this. In fact, I’m going to call the manager and see what he thinks of this nonsense.”
So she does.
Pretty soon the manager comes down the stairs and listens attentively to Mrs. Paddy Wack’s recount of what had happened. She ends with “now, what IS this elephant thing?” He nods and says…
“It’s a knick-knack, Paddy Wack, give the frog a loan,
his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
Reply #186. Feb 03 08, 12:38 AM
Oh, thanks DD and everybody who has posted jokes on this thread for cheering me up. I needed it.
Reply #187. Feb 03 08, 12:40 AM
XD i like the elmo one.|
Reply #188. Feb 03 08, 6:54 PM
what do you call a midget vampire?|
Reply #189. Feb 03 08, 6:55 PM
Schwatzenegger has a big one.|
Michael J Fox has a little one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
George Burns had a hot one.
Liberace never used his on a woman.
Jerry Seinfeld is very proud of his.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
A last name..... were you thinking something else?
Reply #190. Feb 03 08, 7:53 PM
Honeybee, I was maybe thinking the same way you were when you first read it:)|
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
Just remember. if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember !
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going eat the next thing that comes outta its butt .
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Reply #191. Feb 03 08, 8:08 PM
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. |
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year'
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.
The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.
Reply #192. Feb 03 08, 8:48 PM
A reporter is sent to meet a farmer who is reported to have a miracle pig. The farmer agrees to bring the pig out for the reporter to get some pictures. The pig is missing half of one ear, only has 3 legs, two of which are wooden.|
The reporter is shocked. "This is the pig you claim saved your life - twice?"
"Tell me about it."
"First time was when I was in the barn working during a thunderstorm. Didn't realize lightening had struck the old tree next to the barn and it caught fire. Pig grabbed the cuff of my overalls and drug me out before the barn went up. Second time was when I was working on the old tractor over there and didn't realize there was a gas leak. Pig grabbed the cuff of my overalls and drug me to safety."
"But this pig looks..., well, pardon my saying so, but this pig looks beat! I mean, it's missing 1/2 an ear, and three legs. I mean, look at him!"
"Yup. Well, you don't think you eat a pig as special as that all at once, do ya?"
Reply #193. Feb 03 08, 9:14 PM
What do you bear called with no teeth?|
...A Gummy Bear
Reply #194. Feb 04 08, 5:15 PM
Little Red Riding Hood|
The Politically Correct Version
Make sure you tell your friends about this one!
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.
"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.
"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!
This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"
Please, please, please tell a friend about this site!
Reply #195. Feb 04 08, 6:07 PM
Excellent. But sadly, that's the way it's going.
Reply #196. Feb 04 08, 6:22 PM
BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR|
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for awhile, he yells to the waiter:
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you
are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 185 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No... Not, if I'm going to have to explain it five times.'
Reply #197. Feb 06 08, 5:48 AM
A king wants every single person in his kingdom to bow down to him, so he forms a line of every single person. So, as it goes, the first couple hundred people do OK, but when he gets to the 284th person, he gets a little troubled. "Bow down to me peasant!" the "peasant" says,"But, I can't bow down to you, I'm already worshiping God!" "Well fine, leave, but, before you do, you might to tie your shoelaces, you don't on the stairs! Actully, I don't, because I just swept yesterday." So the peasant crouches down and is about to tie his shoelace, but before can make the bunny ears, the king says, " You bowed to me! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!|
Reply #198. Feb 06 08, 11:50 AM
Actully, it was "you don't want to fall on the stairs!" Sorry bout that|
Reply #199. Feb 06 08, 11:53 AM
DD: Ouch - that hurt!|
Reply #200. Feb 06 08, 12:11 PM
Legal / Conditions of Use