| greenkiwi
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I love my email jokes:-)
Nine words women use...
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut-up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying "Kick" YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh,cause they know it's true.
Reply #221. May 10 08, 5:35 PM
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supersal1 
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Warning:
There are a group of good three looking young men hanging around in a supermarket car park. One will come up and distract you by asking for a light, or drawing your attention to an imaginary flaw on your car. The others will then steal your handbag, bundle you into the car and drive to a secluded spot and repeatedly ravish you.
They got me twice on Tuesday, three times yesterday but they weren't there today!
Reply #222. May 15 08, 9:00 AM
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sherry75
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ROFL Sal, you beat me to it... hope you have got your fireproof pants on...
Reply #223. May 15 08, 9:21 AM
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| joza1
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Lol, some good jokes here XD
Reply #224. May 15 08, 10:07 AM
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sherry75
|
A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer
As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voise saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'.
The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from. A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.' The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.
The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'
Reply #225. May 15 08, 10:07 AM
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webuffy
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What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
Dam!
- web buff
Reply #226. May 15 08, 6:50 PM
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| greenkiwi
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Newsflash!
All sperm banks in Manchester will be closed next wednesday as all Man.Utd supporters will be in Moscow ;-)
Reply #227. May 15 08, 6:54 PM
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sherry75
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CUCKOO...
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.... If
this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls. I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12
cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my
husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh [****].' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Reply #228. May 16 08, 4:00 AM
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Professer
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This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.
Reply #229. May 17 08, 2:02 AM
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Trigger7
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This one is short and sweet.
Notice in a Church Bulletin - Following the Service, for those of you who may be interested, we will hold a meeting to discuss the Missionary Position.
Reply #230. May 18 08, 9:30 PM
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| dj168
|
Lol I don't get the one Supersal said. Wait so they distract you and steal your handbag?
Lol the nuts one was funny and the missionary position. xD
Lol these jokes are funny.
What goes up and down and up and down and is furry and brown?
A kiwi in an elevator!
Reply #231. May 18 08, 9:35 PM
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| Twodeez
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Notre Dame cathedral is on fire and Quasimodo is at the bell tower looking down in terror.
The Fire Chief shouts up to Quasimodo
"Jump, we've got eight men on the jump blanket, we'll catch you"
Quasimodo, with sheer panic in his eye, points over his shoulder and shouts back "Ithuhmpavgitoanmabaknohaprcht"
The firemen all start wondering what Quasimodo has said.
Well, the flames are now licking the bell tower and Quasimodo has scambled up the spire with the heat getting even more intense.
Again the Fire Chief shouts up to Quasimodo,
"Jump Quasi, we've got ten men on the jump blanket, we'll catch you, if you don't jump, you're going to die".
And again Quasimodo points over his shoulder and shouts down "Ithuhmpavgitoanmabaknohaprcht"
And again the firemen all wonder what it is Quasimodo is trying to say, so they send for his sister Mary.
Well, the flames have almost engulfed the entire cathedral and Quasimodo is hanging on to the weather vane at the very top of the cathedral.
Once again the Fire Chief, with Quasimodo's sister Mary now by his side shouts up, "For goodness sake Quasi, we have 12 men on the jump blanket, we'll catch you, if you don't jump in the next 30 seconds, you'll die".
Quasimodo, now clinging on with one hand, again points over his shoulder with his other hand and shouts down
"Ithuhmpavgitoanmabaknohaprcht"
Instantly, the Fire Chief turns to Mary and asks
"What the hell is Quasimodo shouting down to us?"
Mary explains "He says he's not jumping, is a hunch he's got on his back, not a parachute"
Reply #232. May 19 08, 4:43 AM
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Professer
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Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was going say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Reply #233. May 19 08, 5:45 AM
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lesley153
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John Prescott has been diagnosed as suffering from Munchhausen's bulimia by proxy. He eats, and everyone around him is sick.
Reply #234. May 19 08, 6:04 AM
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| Legend15
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Words that a woman says with the definition of what she actually means
Yes-No
No-Yes
Maybe-No
Reply #235. Jun 01 08, 8:12 PM
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| dj168
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"What does your dad do after Thanksgiving dinner" Asks the Host.
The daughter replied, " Poop!"
Reply #236. Jun 01 08, 9:02 PM
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sherry75
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Ain't it the Truth!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items
'How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.
She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'
Reply #237. Jun 02 08, 11:59 AM
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| Twodeez
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Legend15's definitions made me guffaw. Brilliant.
Reply #238. Jun 02 08, 12:47 PM
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leelee63
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Actually, doesn't maybe mean perhaps? It might mean No but it could mean yes. Usually it does any way, sometimes it doesn't. It's a bit confusing.
Reply #239. Jun 02 08, 1:09 PM
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leelee63
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The Giraffe Test
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.
2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the
repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. Didn't
you just put him in there? This tests your memory. Okay, even
if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have
one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been
listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests
whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got
several correct answers. Anderson Consulting
says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the
brains of a four-year-old.
Reply #240. Jun 02 08, 9:16 PM
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