What will a traffic light say to a zebra crossing?|
"Don't look at me! I am changing!"
Why was Cinderella so bad at sports?
"Because she ran away from the ball and she had a pumpkin as her coach."
Reply #241. Jun 02 08, 10:30 PM
A certain woman was becoming increasingly upset that her husband was not paying enough attention to her, his main interest was in his favourite hockey team, the Boston Bruins.|
Especially when they were playing a game on TV. So, after much thought , she decided to attract his attention, she would do something drastic. She went to a tatoo parlour and got a huge "B" tatooed on each of her butt cheeks.
The next night, while her hubby was enjoying his Boston Bruins on the telly, she walked between him and the TV, dropped her pants, and bent over, flashing him her new tatoo.
His response was, "Can you please move over, and, by the way, Who the heck is BOB ?"
Reply #242. Jun 04 08, 8:18 AM
is it okay to tell jokes about the Pope?|
Reply #243. Jun 04 08, 8:38 AM
Trigger, nice one.|
I liked that one:)
Reply #244. Jun 04 08, 9:40 AM
"is it okay to tell jokes about the Pope?"|
Dave Allen did it for years, but that was before the PC brigade got hold of humour.
Reply #245. Jun 04 08, 9:44 AM
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo,and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb|
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,
'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what
if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in
behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh,dear God, I'm going to lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the bloody Pope as a chauffeur!'
One I hope Dave Allan heard
Reply #246. Jun 04 08, 10:08 AM
I swear this is true, it just happened this past Monday. One of the guys in my department was commenting and complaining about how much it costs lately to get a haircut. Since he is rather bald, I told him, "In your case, Kevin, they charge you more because they have to look for it!"|
Reply #247. Jun 04 08, 6:22 PM
Do You Feel Safer?|
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.
Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs: "FATASS."
I feel safer already
Reply #248. Jun 05 08, 12:14 AM
you know what..........|
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old
next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come
over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied,
'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error' What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said,
'and I think you'll figure it out'.
So I wrote down:
I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric
Reply #249. Jun 05 08, 12:16 AM
Advantages Of Being A Woman|
Why it’s better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
Reply #250. Jun 05 08, 2:03 AM
An old man on his deathbed implored his wife "When I am gone, I want you to marry Harry Briggs"|
"Why Harry Briggs?" his wife asked "You've hated hin all your life!"
"Still do" gasped the old man
Reply #251. Jun 12 08, 3:25 PM
A blonde and a brunette commit suicide at the same time, in the same building, who dies first?|
The brunette~ cause the blonde had to ask for directions
Now, I am a blonde....but you have to admit...it is funny!
Reply #252. Jun 12 08, 3:28 PM
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" |
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Reply #253. Jun 12 08, 7:16 PM
Wife~ What are you doing?|
Wife~ Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour
Husband~ I was looking for the expiration date
Reply #254. Jun 12 08, 8:43 PM
Sherry's reply was pretty rude. Offending to me.|
Reply #255. Jun 12 08, 9:10 PM
I am a man and I can change if I have to , I guess.|
Sherry, I think your quips were quite entertaining and amusing. If we can't laugh at ourselves, hopefully others can.
Reply #256. Jun 12 08, 9:44 PM
Perhaps a wee Limerick will cheer you up:|
A wonderful bird is the Pelican
His bill can hold more than his Belican.
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week,
But nobody knows how the Helican.
Reply #257. Jun 12 08, 9:52 PM
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. |
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer
to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face
with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a
couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
Reply #258. Jun 12 08, 10:27 PM
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that escaped from jail?|
The was a small medium at large.
Reply #259. Jun 12 08, 10:39 PM
Since this thread is about cheering up a bit, and some of us have needed cheering up lately, I thought I'd upload an E.Mail I recieved this morning to youtube. It certainly made me laugh. A Kung Fu training video.|
Reply #260. Jun 13 08, 4:51 AM
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