DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE |
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and makeup. I'm really excited.
DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside . The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman! He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't come to his cabin for the night, he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today... Twice
Reply #341. Jul 12 08, 5:13 AM
Furby.....I laughed like a Hyena at that.|
Reply #342. Jul 12 08, 10:52 AM
I offered a blonde a penny for her thoughts- she gave me change|
Reply #343. Jul 12 08, 11:31 AM
Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet?|
She didn't want to wake the sleeping tablets....
Reply #344. Jul 12 08, 11:32 AM
The assistant asked the blond if she would like her pizza cut in 6 pieces or 12.....|
She said Six please I could never eat 12!
Reply #345. Jul 12 08, 11:35 AM
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.|
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who where only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer has its advantages.
Reply #346. Jul 12 08, 11:41 AM
Fred is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.|
The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, 'This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'
Fred then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?'
The medicine man replies: 'All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!'
Fred rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, '123.' He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, 'What did you say 123 for?'
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition
Reply #347. Jul 12 08, 11:42 AM
Subject: Mexican Maid Needs a Raise|
MexicanMaid needs a raise...
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you feel you deserve a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.The first is that I iron better than you do."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than I do?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you are."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you are a better cook?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you are."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that, as well?"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."
Reply #348. Jul 12 08, 11:49 AM
Sherlock Holmes, the great detective, and his faithful companion, Dr. Watson, go on holiday in the south of France, camping. On the first night, Holmes nudges Watson in his sleeping bag, and wakes him. |
"Tell me, Watson, when you look up at the stars, what do you see? What does the night sky tell you?"
Thinking it to be some kind of riddle, or personality test, Watson thinks for a moment, before answering. "Meteorologically, the sky tells me it is a clear, cloudless night, and the weather will be fine for the next day. Astronomically, Venus has entered the House of the Moon, while Astrologically, it appears that Capricorns should not attempt any personal upheaval this month, but Sagittariuses can expect a windfall to come their way. Religiously, it tells me that the Lord has worked long and hard to create the best world he can, and philosophically it makes me feel very small in a massive universe." At this, he turned to Holmes and smiled, saying "What does it tell you?"
"It tells me, my dear Watson, that some swine has pinched our tent!"
Reply #349. Jul 12 08, 2:53 PM
It's with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 98% of her brains...Yes, her husband just died.|
Reply #350. Jul 12 08, 2:57 PM
A good friend of mine used to say, |
"My ex-wife drove me to drinking. . .I never did get a chance to thank her."
Reply #351. Jul 12 08, 2:59 PM
Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna.|
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his Palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. When he returned he had a piece of toilet
paper hanging from his a**. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Irishman glanced around behind and said ... B-jesus , will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!
Reply #352. Jul 12 08, 3:00 PM
What do you call a blonde holding a briefcase, up a tree?|
The Branch manager
Reply #353. Jul 12 08, 3:03 PM
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodeaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road pounding a sign into the ground, that read:|
***'Da End is Near! Turn You self Around Now! Before It's Too Late!'***
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash......Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say BRIDGE OUT'?
Reply #354. Jul 12 08, 3:04 PM
This is from "Last Comic Standing".|
"You wanna know what the red white and blue stand for?"
" Red neck, white trash, and blue collar." - Jon Reep
Reply #355. Jul 12 08, 7:20 PM
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.|
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills.... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my pants.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like... 'You know sometimes I forget to eat!'
.....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
Reply #356. Jul 12 08, 8:49 PM
A WOMAN'S POEM:|
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend
Reply #357. Jul 13 08, 3:21 PM
A MAN'S POEM:|
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs and a nice butt who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s#i#.
Reply #358. Jul 13 08, 3:21 PM
Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.|
The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight.
They 'enjoy' themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.
The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm going back to that field of carrots," says one.
"I'm going back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.
"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."
Reply #359. Jul 14 08, 2:08 PM
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the service guy.|
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.
Reply #360. Jul 14 08, 2:08 PM
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