Twodeez 
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THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.'
Reply #381. Jul 29 08, 10:50 PM
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Starlord
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Lol. Good one Twodeez.
Patient: Doctor I've got a strawberry stuck in my bottom!
Doctor: I've got cream for that!
Reply #382. Jul 30 08, 4:11 PM
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| perthbooter
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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon with great expression he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
Reply #383. Jul 31 08, 2:01 AM
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| Twodeez
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McDougal received £10,000 for injuries sustained in a road traffic accident while his wife received £2,000.
"How badly injured was your wife?" his friend asked.
"Oh, my wife wasn't injured in the accident at all" replied McDougal. "but I had the presence of mind to kick her teeth in before the police arrived".
Reply #384. Jul 31 08, 4:20 AM
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sherry75
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Missing Husband
Rick was in trouble -- He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him, 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!'
The next morning, Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused and curious, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,
And brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new....BATHROOM SCALE.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him
Reply #385. Jul 31 08, 8:04 AM
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sherry75
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Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so turned on that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!'
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''
Reply #386. Jul 31 08, 11:40 AM
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Pagiedamon
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Rosmarinus, I hope you are not still down and depressed. Just thinking of you!
Reply #387. Aug 01 08, 9:10 AM
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rosmarinus44
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Paigemon, thank you for that ~ really means a lot a present.
Reply #388. Aug 01 08, 10:29 AM
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| dj168
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LOL Twodeez that one about the flight attendant was hilarious!
Reply #389. Aug 03 08, 10:03 PM
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demurechicky
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The batman one made me giggle lol
A wife goes into the kitchen and finds her husband swatting flies. She asks him how many he has killed.
He says " Five. 3 male and 2 female".
Wife asks him how he knows what sex they were.
"That's easy", he says," Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone".
That one is courtesy of my teenage daughter.
Reply #390. Aug 04 08, 1:01 AM
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demurechicky
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Above should read 3 male and 2 female....
Reply #391. Aug 04 08, 1:10 AM
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| perthbooter
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A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, 'I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son.'
He answered, 'That's okay.'
'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.'
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, 'Goodbye, Mom.'
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
'That comes to $121.85,' said the clerk.
'How come so much ... I only bought 5 items..'
The clerk replied, 'Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too.'
Don't trust sweet little Old Ladies!
Reply #393. Aug 04 08, 1:18 AM
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demurechicky
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Why thank you RMG, much appreciated x
Reply #394. Aug 04 08, 1:19 AM
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Pagiedamon
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Rosmarinus, glad that you responded!
Reply #395. Aug 04 08, 12:17 PM
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| countryenough
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Angels Explained by Children
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.
--Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
--Olive, 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
--Matthew, 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
--Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
--Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows.
--Jack, 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
--Daniel, 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.
--Reagan, 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.
--Sara, 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
--Jared, 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
--Antonio, 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
--Katelynn, 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
--Vicki, 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
--Sarah, 7
Reply #396. Aug 04 08, 3:34 PM
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sherry75
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The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?
Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee'.
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture...
There's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!
Eet EES a bacon tree!'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that...Luis races toward the tree.
He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
'Pepe...go back man, you was right. Ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?
'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
... Eees a Ham Bush!'
Reply #398. Aug 05 08, 9:13 AM
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sherry75
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One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband
'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's p**** doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
Reply #399. Aug 05 08, 9:16 AM
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| lovleyEm6767
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs rolling around in the autumn leaves?
Russell
Reply #400. Aug 09 08, 3:52 PM
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