The Bacon Tree|
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?
Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee'.
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture...
There's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!
Eet EES a bacon tree!'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that...Luis races toward the tree.
He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
'Pepe...go back man, you was right. Ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?
'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...
... Eees a Ham Bush!'
Reply #401. Aug 09 08, 3:53 PM
Have you seen the joke in post 406?
Reply #402. Aug 09 08, 4:16 PM
Not sure if this one has been posted before but this is SO my favourite joke.|
A Liverpool guy goes on holiday to America and spends a couple of weeks travelling around. Eventually gets to the west where his guide book tells him he must hit this very rural bar where there is an amazing Native American called the Memory Man.
He calls into the bar and decides to check out the guy.
Goes up to him and says hello.
Hello says the very old American.
Hear your the memory man.
So they say, says the American.
Okay, who won the FA Cup in 1965?
Liverpool, answers the America.
Who did they play?
Leeds, answers the American.
What was the final score.
2:1 says the American.
Who scored the winning goal?
Ian St John, answers the American.
By now, the Liverpool guy is so impressed. Buys the memory man a drink and continues on his holiday.
Many years later, same Liverpool guy, back in the US with his friends. Tells them about his holiday and day with the memory man. They hardly believe him so he decides to go back to the bar. Thinking the old guy is probAbly long dead but anyway, there they are in the same bar and there is the memory man.
So he goes up to him, thinking must respect him and so he says "How".
And the memory man answers. " a diving header in the six yard box"
Reply #403. Aug 09 08, 6:09 PM
Have you seen the joke in post 406?"
Why, Lesley, of course she saw it. How else could she have copied and pasted it?!
Reply #404. Aug 11 08, 6:30 PM
Sandy, I am ashamed to admit that I hadn't thought of that. The joke is all over the internet, so I assumed that she had copied and posted it from a joke site. But copying it from the same page? Now that is chutzpah!|
Reply #405. Aug 11 08, 6:43 PM
I don't know if this is posted already but here goes....|
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Reply #406. Aug 15 08, 7:23 AM
"I don't know if this is posted already"|
If it's already been posted, duplicating it is a waste of space - although, admittedly, not as great a waste of space as the one in both #406 and #409. But still, imagine if nobody checked - every page could be the same twenty jokes.
Besides that, by not looking, you have deprived yourself of reading about 400 good jokes!
Reply #407. Aug 15 08, 8:04 AM
I heard this joke from a child that I had in daycare once:|
Why was Piglet looking down the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
Reply #408. Aug 17 08, 12:02 AM
Not sure if this was done, but it's one of my favorites. And I don't think it was done, but maybe I'm wrong. |
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Reply #409. Aug 17 08, 12:57 AM
Marriage is not a word but a sentence -- a life sentence.|
Reply #410. Aug 23 08, 9:46 PM
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?|
His lips are moving.
Reply #411. Aug 23 08, 9:49 PM
Did you hear the devil went down south and entered a church, everyone saw who it was and ran terrified and screaming, except one little old man in the front pew. The devil thought wow thats strange that the man didnt run, so he walks over to the little man and says " do you know who I am? " the little old man looked at him and replied, yeah, I know who you are. And the devil says to the little old man " well, arent you afraid of me?" The little old man says, afraid of you? I married your sister 40 years ago you are family.|
Reply #412. Aug 25 08, 9:02 PM
10 Ways To Annoy Your Waiter|
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's going to spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
Reply #413. Aug 27 08, 10:18 AM
FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......|
Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!
Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats
right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,
but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents!
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game,
all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooooooooooo? It's only 25 freaking cents!
Reply #414. Aug 28 08, 1:32 PM
No offence to blonde people okay it's just there are a lot of blonde jokes going around..|
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough,
there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!'
Reply #415. Aug 28 08, 1:34 PM
Three blondes were walking down the street and they walked into a building.|
It was kind of funny because you would have figured one of them would have seen it.'
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A blonde walked into a bar and said "Ouch"
Reply #416. Aug 29 08, 4:57 AM
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous Brunette sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.|
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
He shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy
'No,' she replies. . .
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
Reply #417. Aug 29 08, 8:28 AM
Three men are construction workers. As they sat down on a high building to eat lunch, the man with black hair complains,"Aw, Man! I have to eat ham again! If I get it again tomorrow, I'm going to jump of this building!" The brown haired man then says the same thing. Finally, the blonde haired man says,"And I have to eat tomato and bacon again! If I get it tomorrow again, I'm going to jump of this building."|
The next day, the black haired gets the same sandwich, as well as the brown haired, and blonde haired. Angry, the three men jumped off the building and died.
At the funeral, the wives of the three men gather. The black haired and brown haired mens' wives wept. "If only I gave him a different sandwich!" the two said. The blonde haired man's wife replied, "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch!"
Reply #418. Aug 29 08, 7:35 PM
OOh the blonde jokes keep getting better lol!|
How To Be A Perfect B*tch
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was
horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and
I'm wearing it,' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously
said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all,
your special day.' A few days later, they went shopping and did find
another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked
her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress?. You
don't have another occasion where you could wear it'. Her mother
smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the
rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.' NOW I ASK YOU - IS
THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?
Reply #419. Sep 03 08, 3:37 PM
Oh, what a good idea. Outstanding.|
What do French Canadian Geese say as they fly overhead?
Le Honk! Le Honk! Le Honk!
Reply #420. Sep 03 08, 3:51 PM
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