Mettlee 
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It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
Reply #421. Sep 06 08, 3:06 PM
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scubascott
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Texas Chili Contest (Long but Funny)
Some may have read this, but it's still funny.
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first
two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you
who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a
Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major
portion
of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from New York.
Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the heck! is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap- faced
from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I think I broke wind-four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
sulphuric flames. I greased my shorts when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally and
that
damn golden retriever. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone. Oh no, the damn dog ate some of that stuff.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a smoldering substance
that matches the color of my shirt and my belly button is sticking out
so far it looks like it's trying to escape. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing-it's too
painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Oh great! Now the dog is
doing butt-scoots across the grass he's in so much pain.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella,
wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Would someone use the fire extinguisher on the dog?
Reply #422. Sep 06 08, 4:29 PM
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| Twodeez
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Very funny Scuba, made me laugh out very loudly.
Reply #423. Sep 06 08, 4:58 PM
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Mettlee
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Oh Scubascott I have never laughed so much! I am typing this through a haze of tear filled eyes! That had to be the best joke I have yet to hear mwa ha ha!
Reply #424. Sep 07 08, 1:55 PM
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Cymruambyth
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Scubascott, that was priceless. I'm still laughing! My contribution is going to be tame after that, but here goes:
A fellow walks into a bar carrying an infant and a slab of asphalt and orders one for my baby and one more for the road.
A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Is this some sort of a joke?"
There was great excitement in the Vatican when a cache of parchments of New Testament scriptures dating from the first century was found in the Holy Land. However, imagine the anguish in the College of Cardinals when the ancient Hebrew script was translated and it was discovered to read "celebrate', not "celibate'.
Reply #425. Sep 07 08, 10:51 PM
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| ang23rose
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a blonde, a brunette, and a red head were driving down a steep hill in a truck.
all of a sudden the brakes went out and they could'nt stop.
the brunette screams, "oh my god what are we going to do?"
the red head screams, "I don't know we're going to die!"
the Blonde yells, "Duh! There's a stop sign at the end of the hill"
Reply #426. Sep 08 08, 12:07 PM
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tailspinner
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Ice Fishing
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
Reply #427. Sep 09 08, 4:09 AM
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| Marquise1
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A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
Reply #428. Sep 09 08, 2:30 PM
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scubascott
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This is kinda cute
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
Reply #429. Sep 09 08, 5:48 PM
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desertcat
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If Barbie is so popular, then why does she need to buy friends?
Reply #430. Sep 10 08, 8:15 AM
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Cymruambyth
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My sister sent me this one via e mail and three days later I'm still chuckling! (It originally referred to Kentuckians, but I know there are FT members from that beautiful state, and not all of them are named Bubba, so I've changed the headline.)
How to Install a Redneck Home Security System.
Step 1: Go to any used clothing store and buy a pair of men's workboots, size 14, 15 or 16.
Step 2: Beg, borrow, or, if you have to, steal an armload of 'Guns and Ammo' magazines.
Step 3: Return home and place the workboots and the magazines on the front porch.
Step 4: Write a note and pin it to the front door. Copy this text exactly:
Hey, Bubba: Big 'Un, Slim and me has gone out to get more beer and ammo. Don't go in the house. We had to put the Rottweilers inside because they messed up the mailman pretty bad this morning. I don't know if Killer was involved, but there was so much blood, we thought it best to leave him home with the dogs. Just wait outside until we git back. Signed: Billy-Bob
Evidently, anywhere this system has been installed, break-ins have decreased greatly!
Reply #431. Sep 11 08, 3:51 PM
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| Mouldy-Carpets
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Little Jack Horner
Sat in The corner
Because he had a square bum.
Reply #432. Sep 15 08, 1:55 PM
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leith90
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A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM'. He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Reply #433. Sep 16 08, 7:21 AM
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supersal1
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A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a hoot*.
The End
* Edited to meet FT family friendly rules!
Reply #434. Sep 16 08, 8:42 AM
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supersal1
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I do hope any Liverpudlians here aren't offended by the following - if you are, feel free to respond with Essex jokes. Or perhaps you'd better PM them to me, most of them are unrepeatable here!
"The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's work for dole scheme and employ unemployable Scousers. The decision to hire them was bought on by a recent documentary on how Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in under 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with high tech gear.
This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move by Ferrari Management as races are won and lost in the pits and Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first practice session, not only were the Scouse pit crew able to change tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 4 bottles of Stella, a gram of speed and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower."
Reply #435. Sep 16 08, 8:44 AM
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skumma
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I'm certainly not offended, but just to even it up:)-An Essex boy, the local drunken layabout, has finally been forced to get a job.
After 2 days he decides to get a sick note from the doctor for a couple of weeks off work. The doctor's having none of it and gives him a full medical.
Afterwards he says"I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but I can't find anything wrong with you- it must be the drink!"
The layabout replies" I'm sorry about that doc, shall I come back tomorrow when you're sober?"
Reply #436. Sep 16 08, 10:22 AM
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supersal1
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OK, so you know my doctor!
Reply #437. Sep 16 08, 12:11 PM
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skumma
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Is he like this one Sal?
Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious?
Doctor: Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV.
Reply #438. Sep 16 08, 2:12 PM
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supersal1
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I did wonder why he told me not to buy any green bananas!
Reply #439. Sep 16 08, 3:04 PM
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