This is from our Team Board from cyberhen -
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Reply #441. Sep 16 08, 7:49 PM
Here's a good one. What do you call a cat with lipstick?|
Answer: a glamour puss!
That's my take on all of those political jokes that are flying around lately.
Reply #442. Sep 17 08, 1:53 PM
Received via email.|
Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) comes to Scotland to Conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield, there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill.
A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt.
'Hammer O the Scots?' yells the wee Scottish guy on the hill. 'Come up here, ya Sassenach, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!'
King Edward turns to his commander. 'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart' he says. The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman.
Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. 'Ya Sassenachs!' he yells. 'Come on the rest of ye! Come on, I'll have ye all!'
King Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!' The commander sends 100 men over the hill to do the job. Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn. 'Ya sassenachs!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up! Come and get me, Ya Sassenachs'
King Edward losses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!' he yells.
The commander gulps, but leads four hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.
Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood and slash marks. 'Is that the best ye can do?' he shouts.
You're all women! Come on! 'Come and have a go ya bunch of Sassenachs' he yells.
King Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back until you've killed him!' he commands. The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn.
'Your Majesty!' he yells.
'It's a trap!'
There's two of them!.
There's plenty of stingy Scots jokes about,
let's hear them.
Reply #443. Sep 19 08, 4:15 AM
Not a Scots one but a bizzare animal one:|
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
Well, it made me laugh lol
Reply #444. Sep 19 08, 1:07 PM
He He, MC...|
I laughed out loud. Seen it before, but I really chuckled just then.
Reply #445. Sep 19 08, 1:21 PM
Here's one for American football, particularly Vikings fans: Whats the difference between the Mississippi River and Tavaris Jackson?|
The Mississippi starts in Minnesota.
Reply #446. Sep 21 08, 9:18 AM
A Marriage Made in Heaven....|
"How did God make you so beautiful and so stupid at the same time?" Tom asked his wife,Betty.
"He made me beautiful so you would marry me," she replied.
"And he made me stupid so I would marry you."
This came from a magazine joke section from PA.
Reply #447. Sep 23 08, 11:58 AM
Two parrots on a perch one says to the other "do you smell fish"|
Reply #448. Sep 23 08, 10:46 PM
I hope you haven't heard this one:|
'Hello, is this the police?'
'Yes it is. How can we help you?'
'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!'
'Thank you very much for the call.'
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?'
'Did they chop up your firewood?'
'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate.'
Reply #449. Sep 24 08, 6:20 AM
"There's plenty of stingy Scots jokes about,|
let's hear them."
Did you hear about the Scotsman who went out on Christmas Eve and fired a shot over his roof? He went back inside and told his kids Father Christmas had just committed suicide!
Reply #450. Sep 25 08, 1:44 AM
How do you fix a broken tomato?|
With tomato paste!
Reply #451. Sep 25 08, 5:50 AM
Should children witness childbirth?|
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over
her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi
pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was
born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The
paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had
just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't
have crawled in there in the first place......smack him
Reply #452. Sep 26 08, 2:40 AM
What does a peanut say when he sneezes?|
Reply #453. Sep 26 08, 6:06 PM
A Czech, a German and a Frenchman applied for a job with a British firm. To verify their English they were given a task to say a little speech containing the words: green, pink and yellow. |
The Czech said: I vake in de morrning, look from de vindow and I see a girrl with pink cheek, green skirrt and yellow blouse. The German says something very similar this time with the cute German accent.
Then comes the Frenchman and says: I wake up in the morning,
my telephone "grin,grin", I pink it up and I say "Yellow".
My apology to all French people here.
Reply #454. Sep 29 08, 6:35 PM
TEXAN; Where are you from ? |
HARVARD GRAD; I come from a place where they don't end a sentence with a preposition.
TEXAN; OK.. Where are you from, jackass?
Reply #455. Oct 04 08, 2:23 AM
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the|
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
Chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided.
You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a
Suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
Reply #456. Oct 06 08, 5:08 AM
myles is the gas game winner|
Reply #457. Oct 06 08, 5:48 AM
A man walks into a bar and starts to drink. |
A beautiful woman sits down next to him and he orders a "special beer".
The woman asks what a "special beer" is.
"Well, by drinking this beer, I can jump off the roof and fly around the building." the man says
"Oh, I don't believe you!"
So, the man finishes his beer and jumps off the roof, and flys around the building."
The woman is in such a state of shock that she asks him do to it again, and then again. So he does. The woman wants to try it herself, so she asks the bartender to give her what the man next to her is having. The bartender pours her a beer and she drinks it all heartily before running up to the roof. She jumps off, lands on the ground and breaks everybone in her body.
The bartender then looks at the man at the bar and says, "Geeze, Superman. You're such a jerk when you're drunk!"
Reply #458. Oct 08 08, 3:44 PM
2 blondes sitting in a bar in Sydney,Australia. One turns to the other and asks "which do you think is closest, the Moon or Perth?"|
2nd blonde replies "Oh that's easy! When you go outside you can SEE the moon, you can't SEE Perth!"
Reply #459. Oct 11 08, 12:30 AM
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER|
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Reply #460. Oct 11 08, 1:06 AM
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