I posted this on the teamboard , but thought you all might find it funny too :-D|
It was Jim’s birthday, and he was considered to be an “old man” by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim’s friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.
The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said “Hi I’m your birthday present!”
Startled, he asked “What am I supposed to do with you?”
“I’m yours for super sex,” she answers.
So Jim replied “Well, I’m 75 years old so I’ll have the soup.”
Reply #521. Jan 22 09, 4:21 PM
How do you kill a blue elephant?|
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a yellow elephant?
There's no such thing...
Reply #522. Jan 22 09, 8:54 PM
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. |
After some discussion he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?
But there was no answer from his new Pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his
face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time.......I'm putting my shoes on!'
Reply #523. Jan 23 09, 7:17 PM
BOY: Aunty my stomach is aching. AUNTY : Don't worry it's because your stomach is empty. BOY: Was it for the same reason that uncle's head was paining.|
Reply #524. Apr 12 09, 6:29 AM
I love browsing through these jokes...they're funny :)|
Reply #525. Apr 12 09, 6:12 PM
There are two muffins sitting in an oven together|
One muffin says, "Boy it sure is HOT in here!"
The other muffin looks over and exclaims, "Oh my! A talking muffin!"
Reply #526. Apr 22 09, 7:03 AM
Geraldine was in Grade Two and every day after school she ran home to impart new found knowledge to her family. One day she carolled, "Guess what, mummy, today we learned how to make babies." Her mother, somehat taken aback and thinking that Grade Two was a bit early in the academic schedule for sex education, got a grip on herself and said, "Really, dear? Tell me about it and we'll see if you understood correctly." |
HERE COMES THE PUNCHLINE
"It's easy," said Geraldine. "You drop the 'y' and add 'ies'."
Reply #527. Apr 22 09, 11:46 AM
ahhhhhhhh................ ok i tree fell on someone what did they say while it fell|
im not that funny
Reply #528. May 06 09, 1:09 PM
A Polish woman goes to the opticians and he asks her if she can read out the letters J Z A W T X I T A on the board.|
She replies "I can do better than that, I know him".
Reply #529. May 06 09, 5:03 PM
Q. Why can’t a blonde dial 911?|
A. She can't find the eleven
Reply #530. Jun 07 09, 4:59 AM
A guy walks into a bar. Ow!|
Reply #531. Jun 07 09, 7:28 AM
Two blondes decide to go to Disney World. They drove all the way to Florida. They came to a sign that said Disney World, Left and they turned around and went home.|
Reply #532. Jun 10 09, 1:45 AM
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.|
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied,
"Father, it's me,........... Sister Kathleen!"
Reply #533. Jun 10 09, 5:08 AM
Question: How many dyslexics does it change to take a lightbulb?|
(No offence intended to anyone)
Read it properly
Reply #534. Jun 10 09, 5:09 AM
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"|
Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Reply #535. Jun 10 09, 5:12 AM
A man and his wife were having an argument about who|
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"
Reply #536. Jun 10 09, 5:15 AM
Did you know that global warming is having a devastating effect on the frog population?|
They are all starting to croak.
Reply #537. Jun 10 09, 5:23 AM
A group of primary school children, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.|
When it was time to take the children to the toilet it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said,
"You must be ready to go to high school next year."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding the favourite in the seventh."
Reply #538. Jun 10 09, 5:25 AM
Ohhhh! Nita,they're great! Got any more?
"Sister Kathleen" indeed!
Reply #539. Jun 10 09, 6:42 AM
let me see what I can do...glad you enjoyed.|
Reply #540. Jun 11 09, 3:49 AM
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