After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.. |
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Reply #581. Jun 18 09, 5:46 PM
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.|
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"
Reply #582. Jun 18 09, 5:50 PM
Hi! Roxymary. Loved your version of the Good Book, it was priceless. Haven't laughed so much for ages.....Mommakat|
Reply #583. Jun 18 09, 11:52 PM
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.|
Reply #584. Jun 19 09, 1:12 AM
Nita,you've done it again! Pass the tissues.....ROFL!
Reply #585. Jun 19 09, 4:37 AM
so three guys were climbing a mountain. one guy drops a mug, the other a pop can, and the last a bomb. they continued their way down the mountain. when they reached the bottom, they stopped at a guy who was breaking down in sobs. they said "sir sir whats the matter"? the man said " a mug dropped from the sky and landed one my sheep, now i have no wool"! they continued walking and stopped at another man who was on the ground crying. they said "sir sir whats the matter"? the man replied and said " a can flew from the sky and knocked out my cow, now i have no beef or milk"! they continued down the valley trail and stopped at a man who was laughing so hard he was in tears. they said "sir sir whats so funny"? the man said " I FARTED AND MY HOUSE BLEW UP"!|
Reply #586. Jun 26 09, 8:45 AM
What can travel around the world without leaving the corner.A Stamp!lol!|
Reply #587. Jun 28 09, 9:23 PM
Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.|
Reply #588. Jun 29 09, 2:02 PM
What's the difference between God and a doctor?|
God doesn't think he is a doctor.
Reply #589. Jun 30 09, 10:18 PM
lmao , thats funny|
Reply #590. Jun 30 09, 10:43 PM
Not going to check back through nearly 600 jokes to find out if already posted, so hope it hasn't been.|
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination for the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor told the man that he appeared to be in good health but asked if he had any medical concerns that he would like to discuss.
"In fact I do,"said the man, "After I have sex with my wife the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting." replied the doctor, "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor told her she appeared to be fine and asked if she had any other medical concerns to discuss. She replied that she had none.
The doctor then asked, "Your husand had an unusual concern, he claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time....Do you know why?"
"Oh that old buzzard!"she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."
Reply #591. Jun 30 09, 11:05 PM
Good one mommakat|
This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mum, what is butt dust?'
Reply #592. Jul 05 09, 9:29 PM
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'|
Reply #593. Jul 05 09, 9:30 PM
I am still giggling over your bible effort Roxymary, but try this short and to the point effort -|
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters the confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin' there's no paper on this side either"
Reply #594. Jul 06 09, 9:16 PM
I shot an elephant in my pj's yesturday.|
What it was doing in my pj's i don't know.
Reply #595. Jul 07 09, 6:17 AM
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Reply #596. Jul 07 09, 9:57 PM
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' |
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Reply #597. Jul 07 09, 9:57 PM
Three old guys are out walking. |
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
Reply #598. Jul 07 09, 9:59 PM
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. |
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Reply #599. Jul 07 09, 9:59 PM
Some of these may be repeats so I apologise in advance:|
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Reply #600. Jul 07 09, 10:02 PM
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