A young lady came home from a date, sad and in tears. She told her mother, “Robert proposed to me an hour ago.” “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked. ”Because he also told me he’s an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a Hell!” Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”|
Reply #621. Sep 17 09, 9:16 AM
ok this isnt exactly a joke but i saw this on a tshirt yesterday it said the last thing i want to do is hurt you..but it is still on the list|
Reply #622. Sep 18 09, 4:08 PM
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. |
The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
He said to his manager, "There's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just tramps and hockey players up there."
"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
Reply #623. Sep 19 09, 9:27 AM
Reply #624. Sep 19 09, 10:39 AM
A 97 year old man visits his doctor and says, “Doc. I want my sex drive lowered.”|
“Sir, replied the doctor, “You are 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”
“You are darned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want lowered!”
Reply #625. Sep 20 09, 9:30 AM
In heaven, the cooks are French, the police are British, the lovers are Italian, the bankers are German and the adminstrators are Swiss. In hell, the cooks are British, the police are German, the administrators are French, the bankers Italian and the lovers Swiss.|
Reply #626. Sep 20 09, 10:15 AM
A blonde is pulled over by a highway cop for going twenty over the speed limit. When she steps out of her car, the cop notices that she is intently listening to her iPod.|
"Excuse me, Ma'am," says the police officer, "but can you please remove your earphones?"
"NO!" responds the blonde. "Without this, I'll die!"
The officer gets irritated by her behavior and seizes the iPod in his hands. The blonde shrieks, "No, it'll kill me!" In less than five seconds, she falls to the ground, dead.
The officer is taken aback and decides to find out what the blonde was listening to. He puts on the earphones.
He heard a singsong voice saying, "Breathe in. Breathe out."
Reply #627. Sep 20 09, 10:30 AM
A cowboy, an Indian, and a cereal manufacturer walk into a bar.|
The bartender asks the cowboy where he is from and the cowboys responds "I'm not sure, my ancestors were lost in paperwork at Ellis Island."
The bartender asks the Indian the same question and he responds "I do not know. My people were run off of their reservation so I have no idea where my homeland is."
Then the bartender asks the cereal manufacturer the same question, but the cereal manufacturer doesn't say anything because he's deaf!
Reply #628. Sep 20 09, 1:49 PM
HEART SURGEON'S FUNERAL |
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his
coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red
roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their
good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the
heart closed again.
It was a Majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why
are you laughing, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a
Reply #629. Sep 21 09, 7:51 AM
A rancher was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event. |
The rancher thought to himself: "Great, now I'm going to have to start explaining sex. Well, no need to jump the gun. I'll just let him ask the questions and I'll answer as best I can."
After everything was over, the rancher walked over to his son and said, "Well, son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?"
Reply #630. Sep 22 09, 11:39 AM
I wrote a Funtrivia song they could sing to themselves and I know it would cheer them up, well here tis: |
My fun trivia song to the tune of jingle bells
While sitting on my butt
playing trivia all day
I can hardly walk
there's nothin I can say
no food I ve had to eat
nor water to drink
I just smelled my clothes
and they really stink
Oh, fun trivia, fun trivia, playin night and day
what fun it is to win a quiz and go hooray hooray
fun trivia fun trivia I just won agin
I wish I d won some money
I would go and buy some Gin
Reply #631. Sep 22 09, 4:55 PM
A priest, a rabbi, and a penguin walk into a bar.|
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke??"
Reply #632. Sep 22 09, 10:09 PM
Replacement teacher: Are you chewing gum?|
Jack: No! I'm Jack!
Reply #633. Sep 24 09, 2:54 AM
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. "Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted? "|
Reply #634. Sep 25 09, 9:23 AM
Would the fortune teller's reply be: "Only if the jury foreman's name is Monica"?
Reply #635. Sep 25 09, 9:55 AM
A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?" |
Reply #636. Sep 26 09, 9:54 AM
I don't have another one today but want to thank you for making me laugh so much. There's some great ones on here. My mom is ill and I call her up and read some of them to her, too. So that has been special. |
Reply #637. Sep 26 09, 2:05 PM
An old man was on his deathbed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000." |
Reply #638. Sep 28 09, 9:50 AM
For all the chemistry-loving people out there :)|
One atom says to another atom, "I think I lost an electron!" The second atom says, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
Reply #639. Sep 28 09, 7:02 PM
Great Laughs on Here!|
I want to share some "Clever Signs" with you :
On a Proctologists door - "For Faster Service, Please Back In.
On a Plumber's Truck - "We Repair what your Husband Fixed"
On another Plumber's Truck - "Don't Sleep with a Drip - Call Your Plumber"
On a Maternity Room Door - " Push Push Push !"
In an Optometrist's Office - "If you don't see what you're looking for, you have come to the right place"
Outside a Muffler Shop - "No Appointment Necessary - We Hear You Coming"
In a Veterinarian's Waiting Room - "Back in 5 Minutes - Sit! Stay! "
In the front yard of a Funeral Home - "Drive Carefully, We'll Wait"
Reply #640. Sep 28 09, 9:00 PM
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