Little Johnny went to visit his grandfather's farm for a holiday. While grandfather was showing him around the farm, he saw a cock doing his business with one of the hens, and he asked, "Grandpa, what's that?” Grandpa replied, "That's a cock, and that's a hen and he's serving her." Further on, Johnny saw a horse doing his business with a mare, and he asked, "Grandpa, what's that?” Grandpa replied, "That's a horse and that's a mare, and he's serving her."|
At dinner that night, Grandma said, "Grandpa, will you please serve the turkey?" At that, little Johnny jumped up and said, "If he does that, I'm having a hamburger!"
Reply #641. Sep 30 09, 10:15 AM
Frank’s neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. The problem was hair in the ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.|
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady went to the drug store and got some 'Nair' hair remover.
At the register the pharmacist told her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days. The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.
The pharmacist said... 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days. The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer. The pharmacist said, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'
Reply #642. Oct 01 09, 10:29 AM
Time for some lightbulb jokes:|
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. People who glow in the dark do not need lightbulbs.
How many female students of Freud does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb and the other one to hold the breasts...I meant ladder.
While riding the Hogwarts Express to school, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Draco Malfoy were talking about their summer vacations. Harry said "It sure was miserable staying with the Dursleys this last summer break." Hermione said "Could you give us some examples?" Harry replied "For one thing, I was the one that had to change the lightbulbs." Draco said "What did you change them into?"
How many Confederates does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Lightbulbs were not invented yet.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side?
Reply #643. Oct 01 09, 5:13 PM
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,|
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar
was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman
started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done, "What was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a
jar of olives!"
Reply #644. Oct 02 09, 11:27 AM
I'm still giggling at the schnauzer one!|
Why does it take four women with PMT to change a lightbulb?
Because it just flipping does, OK? And instead of asking, why don't you get up here and change it yourself, I have to do everything round here while you just sit on your backside swilling beer...
Reply #645. Oct 02 09, 1:04 PM
Now, now Sally. Just calm down, and keep taking the tablets. If you run out, I've got plenty.|
Reply #646. Oct 02 09, 8:53 PM
Steady on,Sal! Sit down,take a break,have a KitKat!
Large box of choccys,huge bouquet and a bottle of good Bordeaux winging it's way through cyberspace,to you,as we 'speak'!
Oh,and half a dozen light bulbs,in case you run out!
Reply #647. Oct 03 09, 4:20 AM
Clinton and the Pope had an important meeting. The press waited anxiously outside. After hours behind closed doors, Clinton comes out cheerful. The press asks, "What happened? How'd it go?" Clinton says, "It was a huge success! We agreed on 80% of what we talked about." Clinton goes off all happy and skipping. The Pope comes out minutes later all sad-faced and solemn. The press asks, "What happened? We thought it was a huge success. Clinton said you agreed on 80% of what you talked about." The Pope said, "We were talking about the 10 Commandments."|
Reply #648. Oct 03 09, 10:37 AM
Farmer John has three sons. One day his oldest comes to him and pleads with him that now that he is graduating from school he would really like to get a car. |
His father says, "Son, come with me!" He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he understood and said, "Ok, Dad." A week later his second son, (10 yr. old), approaches him wanting a new two wheel bike.
Well, he gets the same excuse "....as soon as the tractor is paid for...."
Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle. Again, old dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself. His dad says, standing near by says, "Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that."
The little boy says "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid off!"
Reply #649. Oct 04 09, 10:14 AM
A Carnack joke|
Carnack says: Big Ben, Joe Namath and a candidate's campaign promises.
What is a clock, a jock and a crock
Reply #650. Oct 04 09, 10:20 AM
A man walks into a bar and says "line up ten neat vodkas" to the landlord.|
The Landlord lines them up on the bar, and the man quickly knocks them all back.
The Landlord says "Well, it certainly seems you needed them."
The man wipes his mouth and says "I wanted to get them down me before the trouble starts."
The Landlord leans over, excitedly and says "What trouble?"
The man says "I haven't got any money."
Reply #651. Oct 04 09, 11:23 AM
At a party an older couple is talking to a young one. The young man says to the old man, “I’ve heard that when you get on in years, you can’t have sex anymore.”|
“I don’t know where you heard that, young man, but we have sex almost every night,” the older gent replies. “Really?” “Sure. Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday….”
Reply #652. Oct 08 09, 9:38 AM
Why do Gorillas have big nostrils?|
They have big fingers.
Reply #653. Oct 08 09, 10:08 AM
One for us Northern Englanders here:) A Bolton woman dies and her husband orders a gravestone. His inscription reads: "Lord! she was thine". Two weeks later it's ready but he sees it's reading "Lord! she was thin". So he tells the stone mason he's missed off the 'E'. A week later and it's ready-this time it says "Eee Lord! she was thin".|
Reply #654. Oct 08 09, 11:49 AM
Three friends went deer hunting: a doctor, a lawyer, and a preacher. After hours of waiting, a huge deer suddenly appeared. Excited, all three men aimed and pulled their triggers at the same time, and the animal fell dead. The doctor said, "That was my shot." The lawyer replied, "I'm sure I shot it." The preacher disagreed, "I killed that deer." The argument was about to get out of hand when the doctor said, "Let me do an autopsy to settle this matter once for all." After the examination, the doctor reported, "It was the preacher who killed the deer." The lawyer asked, "What's the proof?" The doctor replied, "The bullet went in one ear and out the other." |
Reply #655. Oct 09 09, 10:32 AM
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. |
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him, smiles, and says, "The airbag."
Reply #656. Oct 10 09, 8:47 AM
Ok, so this guy walks into a bar. You'd think he would've seen it.|
Reply #657. Oct 11 09, 12:48 AM
You know you're a redneck when you've got your working TV on top of your non-working TV.|
Reply #658. Oct 11 09, 12:51 AM
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? The blonde said, How about 50 dollars? The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house? The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. You're finished already? he asked. Yes, the blonde answered, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. And by the way, the blonde added, that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.|
Reply #659. Oct 11 09, 12:53 AM
I'm very sorry everybody, but my funny jokes would get me banned from this site, so you're going ta have to live with these jokes.|
Reply #660. Oct 11 09, 12:58 AM
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