blazerfan004 
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Ok, so this woman lives across the street from a football field. One day she is walking down the street with two full garbage bags. One of the bags has a hole in it and $10 bills are falling out of it. A policeman stops his car and says: "You know ma'am, you're dropping money on the ground. How did you get this money? Did you, by chance, rob a bank?" "No sir", she replies, "I live across the street from a football field and at halftime I charge guys $10 if they want two take a whiz in my bathroom." "Ok, replies the officer, but what's in the other bag?" The woman replies, "Some guys don't pay me $10."
Reply #661. Oct 11 09, 1:20 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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A stalwart Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just as it had been before the Pilgrims landed. He dug up hundreds of stones and built a fence; cut down trees to create a clearing; built a house and a small barn; cleared land for pasture, dug a well and over several years just generally worked his fingers to the bone in creating a small, neat, productive farm.
Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and marveled rather fulsomely, and at great length, at all that "you and God have done together."
"Eh," the farmer said dubiously. "Ya shoulda seen the place when God ran it on his own."
Reply #662. Oct 13 09, 8:24 AM
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| animelover33
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ok.
So there is this girl that usually gets cold lunch and she is in the 2nd grade. One day her parents decided to give her money for lunch so that she would have something different to eat. Her mother said,"Now sweety, this is your lunch money for school. Have a great day!" So the little girl went to school. During lunch time while she was sitting with her friends, she literally ate her money. So one of her friends ask why she ate her money. She replied by saying, " My mommy told me it was my lunch money." This is a true story.
Reply #663. Oct 13 09, 8:23 PM
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tezza1551
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This arrived in my in box today, and I loved it.. too good not to share:
A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks,
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his mother used to do.
Reply #664. Oct 13 09, 9:20 PM
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strudi74
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Don't think I've seen this one here yet:
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador.
As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook it's head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!", she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged, "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..... it's $150.00.
Reply #665. Oct 15 09, 5:03 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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A Texan in New York City needed to call a nearby community from a pay phone. “Deposit a dollar and eighty-five cents, please,” instructed the operator.
Pulling himself up to full height and using his thickest Texas drawl, he objected, “Ma’am, I’m from Texas, and in Texas we can place a call to hell and back for that price!” “I understand, sir,” retorted the operator, “but in Texas, that’s a local call.”
Reply #666. Oct 15 09, 10:19 AM
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| sammy222
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Why dident the skeleton go trick or treating?
Because it had no body to go with. HAHAHA
Reply #667. Oct 16 09, 12:17 PM
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| hansdelbruk
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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
__________________
Reply #668. Oct 17 09, 10:21 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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Little Johnny was playing with something in the road. The local priest came up to him and said, "hello, little Johnny. What's that your playing with?"
Little Johnny replied, "it`s Sulphuric acid."
"You mustn't play with that," gasped the vicar, "it's dangerous"
Little Johhny says,"hey, I don't tell you not to play with holy water!"
The priest says, "no, because holy water is good. The other day I put holy water on a pregnant woman's tummy and she passed a baby boy."
"Well..." says little Johnny "...the other day I put Sulphuric Acid on my dogs butt and he passed a Ferrari."
Reply #669. Oct 18 09, 9:29 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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The Teacher was very curious about Christmas and how people celebrated this Holiday.
She asked young Patrick Murphy, “Tell me Patrick, what do you do at Christmas Time?"
"Well Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings then all exited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
That's very nice, Patrick.
"Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well Miss, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing Carols, we get home ever so late. We put biscuits and mince pies by the chimney and we hang up our stocking. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our Presents."
That's very nice Jimmy.
"Now Isaac Cohen, What do you do at Christmas?"
"Well it's the same thing every year, Dad comes home from the office, he opens the electric garage door, we all get in to his Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory, we go inside and look at all the empty shelves, and Dad Says "Thank God for Jesus Christ " and then we all go to the Bahamas."
Reply #670. Oct 19 09, 10:05 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"
"No." said the boy.
"Why not?" said the judge.
"Because she beats me."
The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."
"Oh No," cried the boy, "He beats me too."
Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"
"I want to live with the Boston Red Sox."
"Why?" asks the judge.
"They don't beat anybody."
Reply #671. Oct 20 09, 9:17 AM
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jolana
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Did you ever wonder where the tradition of putting an angel on top of the Christmas tree came from? Well, if you did, wonder no more because here is the answer.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were
out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, ! "Merry Christmas,
Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree...
Reply #672. Oct 20 09, 2:44 PM
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| hansdelbruk
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A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
Reply #673. Oct 21 09, 9:36 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.
"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."
"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.
Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?"
"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"
"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"
Reply #674. Oct 22 09, 9:21 AM
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| david1975
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A Toy Story joke:
Where did Andy take Buzz Lightyear when he found out that his grandmother was sick?
To the infirmary... and beyond!
Reply #675. Oct 22 09, 10:33 PM
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| hansdelbruk
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An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too.
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang,how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up,and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me...... I'm drawin' disability!"
Reply #676. Oct 23 09, 10:19 AM
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| Ate_May
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From Brain candy
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands.
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat.
Reply #677. Oct 29 09, 1:53 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
Reply #678. Oct 30 09, 8:05 AM
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Calpurnia09
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Here are some clever anagrams that a friend sent to me. I don't know their origin.
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
I hope that you enjoyed these.
Reply #679. Nov 01 09, 8:06 AM
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| Ate_May
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From Brain Candy
Short Animal Jokes - Mice, Part 1
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say “cheese.”
How do you revive a drowning rodent?
Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
What do mice do when they're at home?
Mousework.
What do you call the conductor of an all-mouse orchestra?
Micetro.
What does a mice artist call his greatest work?
A mouseterpiece.
Reply #680. Nov 02 09, 2:51 AM
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