| hansdelbruk
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One day, two friends, Bubba and Earl were driving down the road drinking a couple of buds. The passenger: Bubba said, "Look up ahead Earl, It's a police roadblock! We're going to get busted for drinking these beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. We'll just pull over and finish these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "
What for?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talking, said Earl. They finished their beers threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked,” Have you boys been drinking? "No sir, said Earl, We're on the patch."
Reply #681. Nov 04 09, 9:31 AM
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| CarpeAnnum
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A new Irish priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Reply #682. Nov 05 09, 1:08 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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Great classic with a few new twists. Thanks Carpe,I'm still lmao.
Reply #683. Nov 05 09, 8:26 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink.
"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.
The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"
The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.
Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round.
The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.
Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.
The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
Reply #684. Nov 05 09, 8:27 AM
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cricketers 
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Now in our Hindi language we call a banana as "kela". So I heard a joke: What is a lonely banana called?
It is "A kela"! Now the funny part is that join the letters to form the hindi word "Akela"- which actually means "alone"!
Another one: Now there are two soldiers. One says very proudly: "See, I have Italian blood in my nerves." The other soldier asks: "From where- Your mom or Your dad?" The first one tells: "Nope, from a blood bank!" hehe
Reply #685. Nov 05 09, 11:58 AM
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cricketers
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lol carpeannum, the jokes were really funny!
Reply #686. Nov 05 09, 11:59 AM
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| CarpeAnnum
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Catholic elementary bible school tests (incorrect spelling has been left)
1. in the first book of the bible, guiness, god got tired of creating the world, so he took sabbath off.
2.adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark, noah builtan ark and the animals came in pears
3.lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day but a ball of fire during the night.
4.the jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals
5.samson was a strongman who lef thimself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah
6.samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles
7.moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, afterwards moses went up to the mount cyanide to get the 10 commandments
9.the first commandment was when eve told adam to eat the apple
10.the seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery
11. moses died before he ever reached Canada, then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. the greatest miracle in the bibble is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. he fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times
14.solomon, one of david's sons had 300 wives amd 700 porcupines.
15. when mary heard she was the mother of jesus she sang the magna carta
16.when the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in a manager
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption
18.St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head
19.Jesus enunciated the golden rule which says to do unto others before they do one to you. he also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone
20. it was a miracle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance
21. the people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibles
22. the epistles were the wives of the apostles
23.one of the opossums was St. mathew who was also a taximan
24. christians have only one spouse, this is called monotony
Reply #687. Nov 05 09, 12:52 PM
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| hansdelbruk
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LMAO, David and the Finklesteins, sounds like one hell of a bar band.
Reply #688. Nov 06 09, 7:05 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from just in time to notice a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. Because she was very attractive, he agreed.
Shortly afterward she said, "I'm about to have dinner--there's plenty. Would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye."
Reply #689. Nov 06 09, 7:05 AM
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| hansdelbruk
|
An Englishman & an Irishman are in the hospital laid side by side in different beds. The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face.
"I'm English..." Said the Englishman.
The Irishman also takes away his mask and gasps, "Irish..."
The Englishman slowly replies, "My name's David..."
"Paddy..." Replies the Irishman.
"Cancer..." Says the Englishman pointing to his chest.
The Irishman who slowly turns his head and lifts away his oxygen mask replies,
"Sagittarius..."
Reply #690. Nov 07 09, 6:49 AM
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REDVIKING57
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Context: Many small 'corner shops'/newsagents/stores in the UK are owned and run by British Asians. They work very long hours,seven days a week,to a point where their whole life revolves around the shop.
The wife of Apu the shopkeeper dies.He decides to put a memorial notice in the local paper,and is told it's £1 for three words. He only has a pound,so says put 'Daljit is dead'. They feel sorry for him,and offer him another three words for free. He thinks for a minute,and says "ok,put 'Daljit is dead.Shop still open'"
Reply #691. Nov 07 09, 7:12 AM
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| renesmee1995
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What is Labor Day ? when women have their babies
Reply #692. Nov 08 09, 7:15 PM
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| animelover33
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Here's another one.
So there was this guy that was talking to Jesus and the guy asked Jesus how long a million years was in Jesus's time. Jesus said, "Oh about a second". So the guy asked him again how much a million dollars is in Jesus's time.
Jesus said,"Oh about a penny". So the guy asked Jesus again, "Can I have a penny?" Jesus said,"Oh sure one second."
Reply #693. Nov 08 09, 9:11 PM
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| CarpeAnnum
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Not a joke, the article sppeared in the Daily Telegraph:
Priest accused of being drunk during funeral
A Swedish family are demanding £27,000 compensation from a pastor who slurred his way through a funeral service while sipping from a glass of wine and making rude comments.
By Allan Hall
Published: 1:38PM BST 04 Oct 2009
The clergyman is accused of being so wobbly at one point during the service for an 80-year-old woman that he almost fell to his knees.He is alleged to have pulled himself back up "using the altar like it was a climbing frame for an ape".
When he regained his balance, he quipped to the congregation: "Bit dodgy that - somewhere left a banana skin here."He is also accused of fondling a female mourner at one point, kissing her hand and saying; "Do you fancy nipping back to the vestry for an aquavit?"
The family of the deceased man complained to the Church of Sweden who are investigating the reverend following the funeral.The quips he made while giving the funeral oration for the woman made mourners squirm in embarrassment.At one point he said: "The family wanted an open coffin but I am worried about swine flu. If you sneeze on her you might have to wipe the smile off her face."One angry relative told the Helsingsborg Handesblat newspaper: "He was so tanked up it was an embarrassment."It was an incoherent waffle for 30 minutes. He read out a poem to the old lady and nobody understood a word.The information that the grandchildren of the deceased gave him to read out he totally ignored. If he didn't have the altar to lean on he would have fallen over."
The dead woman's daughter said how "uncomfortable" she was as the priest kissed her hand just before she walked up to the coffin."Everyone knew the priest was drunk," she told another newspaper. "We cannot rebury my mother so we are demanding compensation."
All the relatives signed a collective letter to the Church of Sweden saying the priest had "destroyed" the funeral service.The priest is lying low since the incident but one of his sons told a Stockholm paper: "We have received information that he denies he was drunk but all the people in the church say otherwise."
Reply #694. Nov 09 09, 7:01 AM
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| CarpeAnnum
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This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays... This was on the Tonight Show with Jay
Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight).
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by he plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing...........A whole new definition of being "pissed off."
Reply #695. Nov 09 09, 7:08 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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Emmitt Smith died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, St. Peter was waiting for him and issued Emmitt an invitation to play for the HFL- the heaven football league. Emmitt thought about it for a minute and said, "Sure!"
As they walked out to the field, there was a game in progress. Emmitt was stunned. There were a lot of ex-NFL players out on that field. But what he found to be strange was that the jerseys didn't have any numbers. Instead they had letters on them. So he turned around and questioned St. Peter about the numbers. St. Peter chuckled and told him, "Up here we don't need numbers. The letters stand for the position they are playing, QB is for quarterback, WR is for wide receiver and so on." Emmitt smile and nodded his head. But as he gazed around the sidelines, he got a perplexed look on his face. On the other side of the field, there was a man wearing a jersey that had the letters TL. "St. Peter, as you know, I played football many years with the Dallas Cowboys and I am familiar with all the positions. But in all my years I have never seen the position of TL." St. Peter laughed and said, "Oh yeah, I forgot. That's just God, he likes to pretend that he is Tom Landry."
Reply #696. Nov 09 09, 8:58 AM
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jolana
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I know a similar one:
Jesus and Moses were out on the greens, relaxing and playing a few holes of golf. Upon coming to a difficult shot, Jesus elects to go for the gold instead of playing it safe, laying it up and getting par.
Moses exclaims,”Jesus why are you using your 3 iron, you know you can’t make this shot in one swing, lay it up.”
Jesus then comforts Moses, “Relax my friend, I saw Tiger Woods make a similar shot on T.V. last week, I can do it.”
Upon swinging the mighty club, Jesus inadvertently hits his ball into a water hazard.
“Man,” shouts Jesus,”that was my last ball.”
“Ok, ok, I’ll help you this time,” says Moses.
So with a swift motion of his hand, Moses parts the water hazard and Jesus walks in and claims his ball.
Now, Jesus sets the ball down again in the same spot as before and brings out the 3 iron again.
“Jesus, what are you doing,” asks Moses,”You know you can’t make this shot, you just tried and failed.”
Jesus turns to him and says,”Dont worry, I saw Tiger woods make a similar shot on T.V. last week, I can do it, relax.”
So, Jesus takes his club back, swings and plop…the ball ends up in the water hazard again.
Without waiting Moses parts the water hazard again and Jesus retrieves his ball.
Once more Jesus places the ball in the exact same spot and again takes out the 3 iron.
“Jesus, c’mon man, what on earth are you doing, you know you can’t make this shot and I’m not going to get the ball for you again.”
“Relax My friend I saw Tiger Woods Make the same shot on T.V. last week, I can do it.”
So once again the ball goes into the water hazard after the swing and as said before Moses did not part the water.
So being the enlightened man he is, Jesus calmly walks on top of the water in search of his last ball.
While doing so, two club members who were driving by in their golf cart, noticed a man walking on top of the water.
One man exclaimed,”Who does he think he is Jesus Christ?”
Moses shouts back at him,”No, he thinks he’s Tiger Woods!”
Reply #697. Nov 09 09, 1:20 PM
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| hansdelbruk
|
A family went to the zoo one day. As they stopped at the Elephant display, the father left to use the bathrooms. While he was gone, the little girl asks the mother, "Mamma, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?" the mother replies, " That's his trunk." "No, mamma, that other thing" The mother says, "Oh, that's his tail." "NOOO, mamma, that OTHER thing!" The mother notices the child is pointing at the elephant’s penis. She replies to her, "Oh, that's nothing" Later on, the family comes back by the elephant display and the mother goes to the bathrooms at this time. The little girl saw and opportunity and ask her father, "Papa, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?" He explains, "That's his trunk." "No, Papa, that other thing." He said, "Oh that's his tail." By this time the little girl is quite frustrated and replies, NOOOO Papa, that OTHER thing!" He notices she is pointing to his penis and replies, "Oh that's his penis." The child said, "But Papa, Momma said that's nothing." The father looks at his daughter with a smile and replies, "That's cause your Mamma's spoiled."
Reply #698. Nov 10 09, 7:53 AM
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| hansdelbruk
|
A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for the milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought probably she meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify her request.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I am going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "You want it pasteurized?"
The blonde replied, "No, just up to my neck."
Reply #699. Nov 13 09, 9:31 AM
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| hansdelbruk
|
Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.
First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."
Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."
Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think its the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which I suspect had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before."
First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn on that damn light...."
Reply #700. Nov 14 09, 8:49 AM
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