| hansdelbruk
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Q: What is the married mans perfect day?
A: He wakes up and sees his girlfriend on the cover of Playboy. His son is on the cereal box, and his wife is on a milk carton.
Reply #701. Nov 15 09, 11:08 AM
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borisanchovy 
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Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Sept 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Oct 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
P. S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I heard you could get cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.
Reply #702. Nov 15 09, 11:39 AM
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REDVIKING57
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Noah,some people in the U.K. believe that what happened in the U.S. yesterday,happens here tomorrow.
Got my wallet ready,and can't wait for tomorrow..........!
Reply #703. Nov 16 09, 6:09 AM
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borisanchovy
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You go Red. Mapquest the McDonalds in your area and pick the one that's farthest away. ;o )
Reply #704. Nov 16 09, 8:41 AM
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Praia
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LOL.
Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord...
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
"Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Reply #705. Nov 16 09, 9:30 AM
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daver852
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Three men are sitting in the waiting room of a VA hospital. The man in the middle asks, "What branch of the service were you in?"
The man to his left replied, "Colonel. Twenty years, United States Marines. Married, two sons. Both lawyers."
The man to his right said, "Brigadier General. Thirty years in the Marine Corps. Married, three sons. All doctors. And you?"
The man in the middle smiled and said, "Boatswain's Mate. Three years, United States Navy. Never married. Four sons. All Marines."
Reply #706. Nov 16 09, 11:41 AM
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Praia
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Good one Dave. lol
One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.
Reply #707. Nov 16 09, 2:09 PM
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| hansdelbruk
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Great one Praia, Reminds me of the law enforcement here in my little town. A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
Reply #708. Nov 18 09, 7:53 AM
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REDVIKING57
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Ric,that's a cracker! (Brit-speak for very,very good!) LOL!
Reply #709. Nov 18 09, 8:10 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle
Reply #710. Nov 19 09, 7:47 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
Reply #711. Nov 22 09, 9:17 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Mom & Dad, I have some great news for you. I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington! He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time.
She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again.
A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea became furious upon hearing what her Dad had to say.
She decided to go to her Mother and tell her about his numerous infidelities. After Chelsea told her Mom everything, she concluded crying, "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married. Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."
Hillary just shook her head and replied, "Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not really your father."
Reply #712. Nov 23 09, 8:58 AM
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Praia
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Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're going fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
Reply #713. Nov 23 09, 10:57 AM
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| dj168
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Today, I attended a co-worker's wedding. A little boy who looked about 6 was coming down the aisle and he took two steps, stopped, and turned to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side), put his hands up like claws, and roared. Step, step, ROAR, step step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. The crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing and was almost crying. When asked what he was doing, he sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear." MLIA
Reply #714. Nov 25 09, 1:08 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earring.”
“Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
Reply #715. Nov 27 09, 8:48 AM
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Praia
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You Know You Overdid Thanksgiving When....
Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.
The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!
You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.
Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog.
Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000."
That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.
Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.
You consider gluttony your patriotic duty.
Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.
Reply #716. Nov 27 09, 10:10 AM
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borisanchovy
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Good one Praia. :o )
Reply #717. Nov 27 09, 10:42 AM
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| hansdelbruk
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While living Denver the weatherman said, expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight so park on the right side of the road so we can plow the left side. Willie’s wife ran out and parked on the right side. The next week the forecast called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, but this time he said park on the left side. So Willie’s wife ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road. The following week he said 16 inches of snow expected park, the lights went out and all our power was lost. Willie’s wife said, my goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car. “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage!” Willie said.
Reply #718. Nov 28 09, 8:32 AM
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Praia
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A priest and a pastor from the local church are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads:
"The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve, they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"
Reply #719. Nov 28 09, 9:31 AM
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| crotalus77
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One day three bulls; a big bull, a medium bull and a small bull, were out in the pasture talking. The little bull said, " I hear that new bull is going to arrive today ". The big bull said " It doesn't matter I'm not sharing any of my cows with him. I'll tear him up if he tries ". The medium bull said " I've got six cows and and there's no way I'll share with him either ". The little bull said " I only have one heifer that halfway likes me. I hope he doesn't take her away from me ". Just then a tractor- trailer pulled in, backed up to the chute, the rancher opened the doors and down the ramp came the the biggest brahma bull anyone ever saw. With a hump as tall as a man and a dewlap that nearly touched the ground. He looked over at the three looking at him and gave a deep snort that seemed to shake the very ground on which they stood.
" Well, I've been doing some thinking, " said the big bull. " Maybe I have just been a little selfish. I suppose the neighborly thing to do would be to share one or two of my cows with him. He seems a nice enough guy ". The medium bull agreed " Yeah, I think you are right, after all it would be the decent thing to do ". All of a sudden the little bull went over to the big brahma and got nose to nose with him and snorted and started pawing the ground slinging dirt over his back. The other bulls yelled at him saying " Are you crazy? He's going to kill you!". To which the little bull replied " I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!".
Reply #720. Nov 28 09, 12:39 PM
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