A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.|
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
Reply #721. Nov 28 09, 3:33 PM
LOL Noah. |
Reply #722. Nov 28 09, 4:24 PM
Let's add another one. :o )|
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs!"
Reply #723. Nov 28 09, 8:54 PM
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.|
Reply #724. Nov 29 09, 9:37 AM
That's another good one. :o )|
Reply #726. Nov 29 09, 9:57 AM
Why do banks keep the doors wide open but chain their pens to the counters.|
What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.
Did you hear about the man who lost the left half of his body.
He's all right now.
Reply #727. Nov 29 09, 4:41 PM
I got a joke to!|
What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the car?
"Get in the car,Robin."
Reply #728. Nov 29 09, 4:48 PM
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.|
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
She says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing----
Reply #729. Nov 29 09, 5:21 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were out riding the trail one day when an Apache war party appeared on a nearby bluff. The Lone Ranger said, " Let's get behind that boulder ". As soon as they took cover the Apaches were right on them shooting arrows all around them. The Lone Ranger turned to his friend Tonto and said " It doesn't look good. I don't think we are going to make it out of this one. Goodbye old friend. " To which Tonto said, " What do you mean ' we ' Keemosabe? "|
Reply #730. Nov 29 09, 5:55 PM
Ffeeling it was time for a shakeup,a firm hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. |
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone here want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
Reply #731. Nov 29 09, 8:58 PM
Two little kids are in a hospital, standing next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "Whatcha in here for?" |
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "Whatcha in for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"
Reply #732. Dec 01 09, 9:43 AM
Thanks,guys! Been having a miserable day so far - now I'm smiling!
Reply #733. Dec 01 09, 11:21 AM
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? |
Reply #734. Dec 01 09, 12:17 PM
Hey Paul, that's what this thread is for, makin a bad day a little better.|
Reply #735. Dec 01 09, 12:24 PM
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, |
The barman says "We don't serve mushrooms here".
The mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fun guy."
Reply #736. Dec 02 09, 1:15 AM
One day in school the teacher is giving the class an English lesson. She asks if anyone can give her a sentence with the word 'Lovely' in it twice. |
All of a sudden little Mary jumps up and says that she has a sentence. The teacher is pleased to see her top pupil being so conscienious and asks her to tell the class.
The little girl goes on and says: "At the week-end the weather was lovely, so my family and I went out to the countryside and had a lovely picnic."
The teacher was most impressed, and asked if anyone else could make a similar sentence. Then from the back of the class, little Jonny the class rascal, shouted out that he had a sentence. The teacher, in a sympathetic tone of voice, said "Oh... alright then Jonny what is _your_ sentence?"
Jonny went on to say: "Last night my sister came home and said she was pregnant and our dad said, 'Lovely! Just Lovely!"
Reply #737. Dec 02 09, 8:08 AM
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.|
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!"
Reply #738. Dec 03 09, 8:30 AM
Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "A can of paint?!?" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."|
Reply #739. Dec 04 09, 9:22 AM
to sherry75,the slim fast joke is brill,i told my wife it while i was reading it and she burst out laughing.i phoned a ambulance as i thought she was having a stroke but they said she was ok,in all the time we have been married she never laughs at anything i think is funny ,so i was sure there was something wrong with her.maybe she has been cloned or something .anyone else had a similar experience.|
Reply #740. Dec 04 09, 2:04 PM
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