A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. |
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
Reply #741. Dec 05 09, 9:03 AM
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." |
The man thinks, "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister, a married man, experienced, for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. A Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it!"
Reply #742. Dec 06 09, 8:24 AM
How do you say constipation in German?|
How do you say the same in Chinese?
How do you say heifer in Chinese?
Reply #743. Dec 06 09, 8:42 PM
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. |
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve`s wife gave it to me."
"That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`"
She said, "`No, I`m not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
Reply #744. Dec 07 09, 7:45 AM
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. |
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
Reply #745. Dec 09 09, 9:25 AM
There once was a "smart guy," a "not that smart guy," and an all round "not smart at all guy." They were going to cross the Sahara Desert. The "smart guy" says, "meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!" Later on an hour passes. The "smart guy" says I brought some ice packs to keep our heads cool, the "not so smart guy" says I brought a pail of water to keep us hydrated. The "not smart at all guy" says, "I brought a car door so I can roll the window down when it gets hot!"|
Reply #746. Dec 09 09, 12:51 PM
Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!|
Reply #747. Dec 09 09, 12:59 PM
Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon. |
Reply #748. Dec 09 09, 12:59 PM
True story. This nmorning I was following a dump truck on the freeway. On the back it said "happiness is a good dump". I had to laugh.|
Reply #749. Dec 09 09, 2:29 PM
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. |
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, Santa found that three were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out to heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Reply #750. Dec 09 09, 4:07 PM
The World's Greatest Cowboy (wgc) was captured by some Indians, who told him they would burn him at the stake at dawn. But because he was the wgc, they would give him a last request. The WGC said, let me talk to my horse.|
So he whispers in the horse's ear, and the horse runs off, and returns in an hour with a beautiful redhead. He takes her into a teepee and makes love to her for a couple of hours. Finally she staggers out, gets on the horse, and rides away. An hour later the horse returns.
The Indian chief says "Now we know why you are called the WGC! That was a good horse trick, and we are good horsemen ourselves. We will give you another last request." So WGC asked to speak to the horse again.
The horse runs off, and returns in an hour with a naked, beautiful, to die for, knock you off your feet, blonde. WGC takes her into the teepee, and after 3 hours, she staggers out, and has to be helped onto the horse, which carries her away and returns in an hour.
The chief says "The tribe is impressed, not only by your horse, but by your stamina and ability! Now we are certain why you are called the WGC, and are a great and honored enemy. We honor you, but we must still kill you at dawn. But we will still give you one more last request."
The WGC, walks up to the horse, grabs it by the head, and giving it a shake, says, "Posse! I said go and get me a POSSE!"
Reply #751. Dec 10 09, 9:54 AM
Thank You CarpeAnnum! It appears I must be related to Santa Claus. Or we are at least 'kindred spirits'! Being in manufacturing myself,I recognise his predicament only too well. BAH! HUMBUG! :)
Reply #752. Dec 10 09, 6:53 PM
And along the lines of Honeybee's 'dump truck' - over here,popular graffiti on dirty trucks/vans/lorries:
"I wish my wife was this dirty". :)
And underneath: "When you were on your last 'boy's night out',she was!"
Reply #753. Dec 10 09, 6:59 PM
There once was a man who traveled to a strange foreign country, and while he was there he found a strange old lamp of some sort. When he got home he polished off the lamp, and out came a genie. Then the genie said "I'll give you three wishes, but on one condition, your mother in law gets twice as much as you wish." |
So the man decided for his first wish that he wanted 1 billion dollars, so his mother in law (who lived across the street) got 2 billion dollars. For the man's second wish he decided that he wanted to have a 200 room mansion, so his mother in law got a 400 room mansion. For the man's last wish, he took a long time to think it out, and then he said to the genie, "I wish you choked me half to death."
Reply #754. Dec 13 09, 10:15 AM
An executive goes to see his doctor, complaining of feeling worn out all the time due to his long working hours. The doctor asks him a few questions about his lifestyle. |
Doc: "So, do you and your wife have an active sex-life?"
Exec: "Yes, doc, twice a day, once in the morning before I go to work and again last thing at night."
Doc: "Hmm, and any other love interests?"
Exec: "Actually, my secretary, twice a day, once at eleven o'clock when she brings my mid-morning coffee and again at four o'clock when she brings my afternoon tea."
Doc: "Hhhhmmmmm, and so you make love a total of four times a day?!"
Exec: "Actually, I also see my mistress twice a day, at lunch-time and we make love, and I pop round to see her on my way home from work and we make love then, too."
Doc: "My God, man, no wonder you're always feeling exhausted! You really must take matters in hand!"
Exec: "But I do, doc, twice a day..."
Reply #755. Dec 17 09, 9:39 AM
An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri State line. |
When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the man.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Might as well take me to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test!"
Reply #756. Dec 19 09, 10:02 AM
A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant. |
Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"
The nurse says, "She had twins."
He says, "Heh, heh, heh ... well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace."
She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black."
Reply #757. Dec 20 09, 9:12 AM
I snickered, then I laughed...then I laughed louder; then I noticed tears in my eyes. Those were GOOD!
Reply #758. Dec 20 09, 9:02 PM
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow cop.|
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law,
Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
Reply #759. Dec 24 09, 7:57 PM
Once a boy and his dog walk into a restaurant. He bets to the waiter that if he can make his dog talk, he could get an all you can eat buffet. So he asked his dog, "What covers a house?"|
The dog said, "Roof"
"How does sandpaper feel?"
"Who is the fastest runner in my class?"
The waiter kicked him and his dog out of the restaurant forever. While they walked home, the dog asked him "Was it Ralph or was it Jakob?"
Reply #760. Dec 30 09, 2:24 PM
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