A couple from the USA were on a holiday in Ireland. They didn't have a map, and they needed to get to Dublin as fast as they could. So they walked up to an Irishman and asked what the fastest way to Dublin was.|
"Are you driving, or are you walking?" The Irishman asked.
"Driving" the Husband answered.
"Well, that's the quickest way to Dublin!" The Irishman answered.
Reply #761. Dec 31 09, 10:12 PM
What do you call a woman with a fish on her head?|
Reply #762. Dec 31 09, 10:53 PM
What do you call a woman with a fish on her head?|
Reply #763. Dec 31 09, 10:53 PM
Here we go:|
There is a dead fly sitting on a table.
A man walks up to it and says:
"Yuck! A fly! I'm going to pull its wings off!"
And pulls its wings off.
A second man walks up to the fly and says:
"Yuck! A fly! I'm going to pull its head off!"
And pulls its head off.
A Third man walks up to the fly and says:
"Yuck! A fly! I'm going to pull its feet off!"
And pulls its feet off.
A young kid walks up to the fly and says:
"Yum! A Raisin............"
Reply #764. Jan 01 10, 2:22 AM
If you want a luagh try this (Sorry this isn't a joke, but it sure is funny!)|
Go to an online translater and type in some lyrics from a well known song. Translate them from English to Japanese. Then translate them from Japanese back to English. You'll end up with something REALLY funny.
Hope you got that!
Reply #765. Jan 02 10, 3:53 AM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. |
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
Reply #766. Jan 02 10, 9:27 AM
American Navel ships deployed in the Atlantic ocean on a very foggy night are telling another ship to move or they will use force,the other ship replys you must move we cannot,again the Amercican ship says move now or we will use severe force ,the other one says we cannot move,the american ships says this is an American war ship move now or we will use force,the other says Lighthouse your call.|
Reply #767. Jan 02 10, 9:40 PM
I was born in the foothills of the Ozark Mountains and come from some fairly long-lived hillbilly stock. The other day my Uncle Saul, who's 94 years old, went to the doctor for a check up. After poking and prodding him for a while, the doctor said, "Well, Saul, for a man your age, you're in pretty good shape."|
"Glad to hear it," said Saul, "Ah reckoned Ah should have myself checked out afore the weddin'."
"You're getting married?" asked the doctor.
"Yep. Me and and old Ferdell Maggert's youngest daughter are a-fixin' to git ourselves hitched."
"Ferdell's youngest daughter!" exclaimed the doctor. "Why she can't be more than 17."
"That'd be about right," answered Saul.
"Now, Saul," said the doctor, "I don't know exactly how to tell you this, but you're 94 and she's only 17. If you two get married, well, it could be dangerous. Maybe even fatal."
My uncle thought about what the doctor told him for a long time. Finally, he said, "Ah reckon you're right, Doc. But it's a chance Ah'm a-willin' to take. If she dies, she dies."
Reply #768. Jan 05 10, 9:32 PM
This might not make sence for some people, but I like it! Thankyou to Priya from team Everything! (the team I'm in). Here we go:|
A man who's wife was having a baby wanted to ring up the hospital to see how she was going. But he accidently rung up a Cricket ground, and he didn't know that!
"How's it going?" He asked.
"Great!" The man replied. "Four are already out, and the last one was a duck!"
Reply #769. Jan 05 10, 10:10 PM
Oh, I said thankyou to Priya becuas she posted this on OUR jokes page.|
Reply #770. Jan 05 10, 10:10 PM
Oh, I said thankyou to Priya because she posted this on our team jokes page.
Reply #771. Jan 05 10, 10:23 PM
he who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame...|
Reply #772. Jan 06 10, 1:21 PM
Many aspects of the human condition are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other'.
He addressed the men.
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.
Reply #773. Jan 07 10, 11:05 PM
If a bumble bee stung a bumble bee, on a bumble bee's bum, what colour will the bumble bee's bum be?|
Reply #774. Jan 18 10, 8:14 PM
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. |
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
Reply #775. Jan 19 10, 9:04 AM
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Reply #776. Jan 21 10, 6:21 PM
Two cowboys in a saloon who were always betting each other about everything under the sun finally ran out of ideas of things to bet on. After a long silence the first cowboy said to the other, " I know, I'll bet you five dollars you won't take a sip out of that spitoon over at the end of the bar." The other cowboy said, " You're on " , and picked up the spitoon and proceeded to bring it to his lips. He started to take the sip and then he turned the thing end up and drank the whole thing. The first cowboy stared in amazement slapped the five dollars on the bar and said " Man, all you had to do was just take a little sip. Why did you drink the whole thing? ". To which the other cowboy replied, " I couldn't help it. It was all one string! ".|
Reply #777. Jan 21 10, 7:45 PM
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine |
spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked
to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed
there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his
He promptly called the US House of
Representatives for assistance. The conversation went
like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi.
How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself.
This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass
lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to
send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit,
replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my
impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true,
but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."
Reply #778. Jan 22 10, 7:37 PM
Once there was this kid who didn't want to be in the spelling bee. The judges ask him to spell cat. The kid goes like "K-A-T". He was then out of the spelling bee. As he walks by his friend who was a smart-alek, he tells him," I know there are two T's in cat."|
Reply #780. Jan 23 10, 11:50 AM
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