| hansdelbruk
|
Bob and his father meet for lunch a couple of months after the wedding. “Well,” says Dad, “how is married life treating you?” “Not very well, I’m afraid. It seems that I married a nun,” says Bob.
“A nun??” asks his Dad.
“That’s right Dad. None in the morning, none at night ….. none unless I beg!”
The father nods knowingly and pats his son on the back. “Why don’t you bring your bride over to the house tonight and we can all have a nice chat?”
Bob’s face brightens; “Gee, Dad, that’s a great idea.”
“Fine then; I will call and tell Mother Superior to set two extra plates.”
Reply #781. Jan 24 10, 8:44 AM
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| hansdelbruk
|
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him now, he's too damn scared to cough"
Reply #782. Jan 26 10, 10:02 AM
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| sasha67
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Two sisters,one blonde,the other brunette inherit the family ranch. Within a few yrs the ranch was almost in financial ruin. To keep the bank from foreclosing on the ranch they need to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock.
When she leaves the brunette tells the blond "If I decide to buy the bull I will send you word. You hitch up the tailer and come and meet me."
The brunette arrives at the ranch, inspects the bull and decides to buy it. The man tells her "$599 not a penny less." So she buys the bull.
She goes to the local telegraph office and tells the girl working there what she needs but the girl tells her its 99 cents a word. The brunette thinks for a while and then says "Comfortable" The girl asks how her sister will know what to do just from that one word.
Brunette says "My sister is blonde and reads really slow,come for da bull."
Reply #783. Jan 27 10, 1:47 PM
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| Redwallcrazy
|
This is taken from our team joke board:
Tracy hadn't talked to her grandparents for a while and decided she should call and update them.
"I had a terrible time!" she told them. "First off I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got rheumatism, and to top it off they gave me hypodermics and inoculations. I thought I would never get through that spelling bee."
Reply #784. Jan 29 10, 3:46 AM
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Plodd 
|
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.
He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.
His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! ..... The Hills’ are alive with the sound of music!"
Reply #785. Jan 29 10, 3:26 PM
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Plodd
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And a joke for all the Star Trek fans!
Q. How many ears does Spock have?
A. Three ears. Left ear, right ear.....and final frontier!
Reply #786. Jan 29 10, 3:27 PM
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| Redwallcrazy
|
Two bats have gone for a long time without food (blood). They are very hungry. One of the bats gets fed up and says, "I'm going to leave the cave a find some food."
A few minutes later he comes back with blood all over his face. The other bat gets excited.
"Where did you find all that food?" He asks the other bat.
"See that tree there?" He says, pointing with his wing.
"Yes!" The other bat says.
"And see that branch there?" The first bat asks.
"Yes!" Says the other bat.
"well I didn't" Says the first bat.
That isn't a very funny joke, but it is the only one I can think of at the moment. Sorry.
Reply #787. Feb 03 10, 2:48 AM
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| Redwallcrazy
|
A young girl asks her mother, "Why am I called Lily?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born a Lily fell on your head".
Her sibiling asked her mother, "Why am I called Rose?"
Again the mother replied, "Because when you were born a Rose fell on your head".
Another sibiling asked her mother, "sghgheguhpod;hji[oh?"
And her mother replied, "Be quite, Fridge."
Reply #788. Feb 13 10, 3:38 AM
|
howdyitsme
|
what's brown and sounds like a bell?
dung!
Reply #789. Feb 14 10, 2:49 PM
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| Trigger7
|
What type of Engineer Designed the Human Body?
Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day, arguing about who may have designed the human body.
The first one said, "It must have been a Mechanical Engineer, as the human body has all those amazing levers and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have designed all that!"
The second student said, "No, it had to have been an Electrical Engineer, look at the complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain - had to have been an electrical engineer!"
The third student said, "No way, I think it had to have been a Civil Engineer - Who else would have run a waste water line through a Recreational Area?"
Reply #790. Feb 15 10, 10:34 AM
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| Trigger7
|
Who has a Living Will ??
Last nite, my adult children and I were having that discussion in our living room, and I said to them " I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, please, just pull the plug!"
They got up, unplugged my computer and threw out my wine!
First time they actually listened to me!
Reply #791. Feb 15 10, 11:19 PM
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| poneke
|
A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
BLOKE: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
BLOKE: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
BLOKE: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
BLOKE: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£70,000"
BLOKE: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"
BLOKE: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
BLOKE: "Bye! I love you, too." The bloke hangs up. The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Reply #792. Feb 16 10, 6:56 PM
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| poneke
|
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionality
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiation 5. Phenomena
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. A pizza? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Reply #793. Feb 16 10, 9:54 PM
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| BIG_Flicker
|
What's yellow and smelly and lies underneath a banana tree?
Monkey sickness.
Reply #794. Feb 28 10, 6:13 PM
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howdyitsme
|
oh that's not funny just gross
Reply #795. Mar 01 10, 7:24 AM
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| hansdelbruk
|
One day, an extremely rich business man decides that the time has come to indulge himself. He has been working hard and making money all his life, and he rarely spends any of it on himself. So he goes out and buys the world's fastest commercial vehicle: the all-custom 2001 Chevrolet Zoom. This puppy can hit 350 mph on a straightaway and has all the trimmings. Leather, CD, Sunroof, GPS, everything. It cost him a cool $3 million.
He decides to take it for an afternoon spin. He's just cruising around town with one arm out the window, having the time of his life, when he gets to a red light. He pulls up next to an old guy on a little moped who is already waiting at the light.
"Now THAT'S a car," the old guy says with awe. "What on earth did that cost you?"
"Three million," the rich guy proclaimed. "And that was a steal. This here is the world's fastest commercial vehicle."
"You're kidding!" the old guy scoffed. "How fast?"
"350."
The old guy's jaw dropped. "Hey, do you mind if I take a look around inside real quick?"
"Not at all," the rich guy said.
The old guy leans way over and sticks his head in the window. After looking around for a few seconds, he sits back down on his moped. "That's a fine car," he said, nodding his head.
Just then, the stoplight turned to green, and the rich guy decided to show this old man what his car is really capable of. He floors it out of the intersection, and in a few seconds he is happily cruising along at 350 mph.
He happens to glance in his rearview mirror, and notices to his dismay a speck on the horizon that seems to be getting closer. Sure enough, the speck comes closer and closer until WHOOSH! it passes him. The rich guy just can't figure out what's going on here, so he pulls over. He sees the speck again on the horizon in front of him coming back towards him, and sure enough, WHOOSH! it passes him again. This time, though, he was prepared and got a better look at it. He could have sworn that he saw the old guy on the moped. "But that's impossible," he thought to himself.
Once again, the thing was coming back at the rear of his car, only this time it looked like it was going to hit. And hit it did. There was a loud crash as the thing slammed into the back of the Chevy Zoom.
The rich guy jumps out of the car and runs around to the back, where the old guy is dying on the road, pieces of his moped scattered around him.
"Oh, my God!" the rich guy said, horrified. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes," the old man responded feebly. "Before I die, I want you to unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."
Reply #796. Mar 01 10, 9:11 AM
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| poneke
|
A mother is cleaning out her 12 year old son's bedroom...she is shocked when she finds a load of bondage gear and fetish magazines! She calls her husband and asks him, "What should I do?". He replies, " I'm not sure, but whatever you do...don't spank him!"
Reply #797. Mar 05 10, 5:17 PM
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| shooter0220
|
what cheese is not yours?
NACHOCHEESE
not-your-cheese
Reply #798. Mar 05 10, 8:08 PM
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| BIG_Flicker
|
What is worse than finding a worm in your lunchtime apple?
Finding half a worm.
Reply #799. Mar 10 10, 6:20 PM
|
jolana
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Teacher: "What do you think is worse, the lack of knowledge or ignorance?"
Student: "I don´t know - and I don´t care."
Reply #800. Mar 23 10, 5:45 PM
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