A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. |
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."
Reply #861. May 13 10, 7:58 AM
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, |
and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like
The priest looked up from his book and answered, 'I am the
Father of many.'
The boy said, 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of
hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned
over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on
backwards instead of your collar."
Reply #862. May 14 10, 7:27 AM
When you think you're having a bad day read this and know that it could have been worse.|
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK" So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What happened to you?
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't going to be your day, cupcake."
Reply #863. May 14 10, 8:03 AM
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.|
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"
Reply #864. May 15 10, 7:02 AM
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"|
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
Reply #865. May 18 10, 7:53 AM
Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he’s sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!|
Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"
Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!
Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?"
Reply #866. May 20 10, 7:15 AM
An Attorney was riding home in his limo and noticed two men sitting on the side of the road eating grass, he told his driver to stop and investigate.|
His driver went to the two men and asked, sirs why are you eating grass? The first man replied, I have no money and must eat grass. The driver told the Attorney. The Attoorney would not hear of it and said come to my house and I will feed you. The man stated, sir I have a wife and three children, and then the second man spoke up and said I have a wife and six children. The Attorney says it is ok bring them all, there is enough for everyone.
It takes about twenty minutes to get everyone into the car and they are on their way.Shortly after the two men are totally overtaken and are saying to the Attorney, sir I do not know how to thank you and we are not able to repay you, thank you for your kindness. The Attorney says to them do not worry about it, it is fine and plenty for everyone. You will love my house, the grass is about two feet high.
Reply #867. May 20 10, 10:19 PM
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.
'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'
The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'
Reply #868. May 22 10, 8:08 AM
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon|
a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the
water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks
the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I
am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus? "The drunk
replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the
answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again
pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my
brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this
time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about
30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him
up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Reply #869. May 23 10, 8:11 AM
The watch that is an hour fast is hilarious...thanks.|
Reply #870. May 23 10, 3:21 PM
A fellow walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out of canaries, but I do have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The potential customer decides that this is complete nonsense, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet.|
He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But," says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound exactly like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there must be some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides," he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper."
His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. A clerk wanders by and asks if he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The clerk knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown." The bird (and file) owner thanks the clerk and leaves for home.
A few weeks later, the guy wanders into the hardware store. The same clerk, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports, "Bird's dead." The clerk offers his condolences and asks, "Filed off too much beak?" To which the former bird owner replies, "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vise."
Reply #871. May 24 10, 8:22 AM
Glad to oblige ya Big Flicker.|
Reply #872. May 24 10, 8:23 AM
Three dogs are sitting in the Humane Society shelter. The first dog asked the second dog, "So, why are you in here?"|
"Well, I took a dump on the masters new carpet and he stepped in it in his bare feet, so I am here to be destroyed."
The first dog says, "boy, life can sure be rough. I'm in here because I peed on the kitchen floor. the master slipped on it and broke his leg! So he sent me here to be destroyed."
The second dog says, "You know, I can't believe it. That's so unfair!"
Then the first dog turns to the third dog and asks him why he was in the kennel. "Well, the master's wife was getting ready to take a bath. She was naked and she bent over the bathtub to adjust the water and it looked so perfect I couldn't help myself. So I grabbed her from behind and I "did" her."
The first dog says, "Oh that is so cruel! So they are putting you to sleep for that?"
The dog says, "Oh no, I'm only here to get my nails clipped."
Reply #873. May 25 10, 7:25 AM
The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. |
Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .'
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting.......
'Grumpy ****** a penguin!'
'Grumpy ****** a penguin!'
Reply #874. May 25 10, 2:16 PM
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.|
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"Oh no," she said, "I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi."
Reply #875. May 26 10, 6:50 AM
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.|
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
Reply #876. May 27 10, 6:36 AM
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station,
when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with
little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly
coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was
being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure
is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. He noticed the girl had tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then
I wouldn't have a siren:)
Reply #877. May 28 10, 6:24 AM
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune say, “One Marine is better than ten Taliban.”|
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out, “One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers.”
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Marine voice calls out, “One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban.”
The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought..
Then silence. Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men, it’s a trap. There are two of them.”
Reply #878. May 29 10, 6:13 AM
Some of the jokes posted have been a bit near the knuckle. Let's remember that this is a family site. Please do not post jokes that you wouldn't want your young children to hear.|
Reply #879. May 29 10, 6:46 AM
American to Frenchman: "Do you speak German?" Frenchman: "No." American: "You're Welcome! |
Reply #880. May 30 10, 6:03 AM
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