A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, and the egg is frowning and looking a bit peed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular,|
'Well, I guess we answered THAT question....
Reply #881. Jun 02 10, 9:53 AM
A ham sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender says, " Sorry, we don't serve food here."|
Reply #882. Jun 02 10, 1:58 PM
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: 'I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that'. The other student says: 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class'. Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: 'We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?' The old man said: 'I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think.' Then one of the students said: 'I think it's Petry Syndrome'. And the old man said: 'you thought, but you're wrong. Then the other student said: 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome'. And the old man said: 'you thought, but you're wrong.' So they asked him: 'so what do you have?' And the old man said: 'I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but was wrong' |
Reply #883. Jun 04 10, 8:08 AM
Breaking News..... Duran Duran have just released the "Official England Theme Song" for 2010's Football World Cup: |
His name is Rio and he watches from the Stand ;-)
Reply #884. Jun 05 10, 5:34 AM
*STOP PRESS!* - *STOP PRESS!*
Just heard the 'Official' New Zealand song for the World Cup! Very poignant,and completely appropriate:
Steven Speaks' "Out Of My League". :))
Reply #885. Jun 05 10, 9:44 AM
My mate's only got one arm, I saw him the other day and I asked him where he was going, he said "I'm going to change a light bulb", I said "wont that be awkward?" "Nah" he said "I've still got the reciept"...|
Reply #886. Jun 06 10, 6:37 PM
Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"|
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!
The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.
"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked. The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?" The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.
The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block."
Reply #887. Jun 07 10, 8:14 AM
Q. Why can't you get headache tables in the jungle?|
A. Because Parrot's eat 'em all.
Reply #888. Jun 07 10, 2:33 PM
What do you call a sheep without legs?|
Reply #890. Jun 08 10, 9:01 AM
A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."|
Reply #891. Jun 09 10, 8:01 AM
Dave works hard at the plant & spends most of his evenings riding his Harley with the boys in the club. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them & says "Hey Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled & asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh No," says Dave. "He works at the plant."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable & says, "you must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser. "No honey, she works at the plant, too."
A stripper comes over to their table & throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says. "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse & storms out of the club.
Dave follows & spots her getting into a cab. Before she slams the door, he jumps in beside her & she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head & says, "Looks like you picked up a real screamer tonight, Dave."
Reply #892. Jun 14 10, 8:31 AM
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.|
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
Reply #893. Jun 14 10, 8:37 AM
A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. |
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew
Reply #894. Jun 14 10, 10:45 AM
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." |
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said "Bark".
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also sniffed out the poor dog on the table from head to toe. The cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600.
The dog's owner went crazy. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is DEAD? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the Cat scan..."
Reply #895. Jun 15 10, 1:47 PM
A man goes to the White House and asks to see President Bush. The Marine on duty tells the guy that Bush isn't President, and to please leave. |
The man goes away.
The next day he comes back to the White House and asks to see President Bush. The marine on duty reminds him again that Bush is not President, and to please go away.
The very next day, he comes back again, and again the same Marine is on duty. The man asks to see President Bush, and the Marine, his patience worn out, says, "Why do you keep coming here asking for him? Bush is NOT the President anymore!"
The man smiles and says, "I know, I just like hearing it."
Reply #896. Jun 16 10, 12:51 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their |
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
"You dumber than buffalo dung. It means someone stole the tent."
Reply #897. Jun 17 10, 7:56 AM
An American, a Brit, and a Frenchman were all walking together on a beach when they stimble upon a brass lamp. The Yank picks it up and rubs it. True to legend, a genie pops out. The said said, "Normally, I grant the finder of the lmap three wishes, but since there are three of you, I'll grant each of you one wish."|
The American goes first and says, "I'm a farmer, as was my father, and his father, and so on. My sons will both be farmers. Therefore, I want our farm land to be forever fertile so we can feed multitudes of people."
Poof, the genie makes it happen.
The Frenchman goes next and says, "You know, genie, I'm tired of being invaded by the Brits, Germans, Algerians, Turks, and so forth. Can you build a big wall, three miles high and one mile thick all the way around my country?"
Poof, the genie makes it happen.
The Brit then says to the genie, "What are the dimensions of that wall, again?"
The genie replies, "Three miles wide and one mile thick."
The Brit then says, "Fill it with water."
Reply #898. Jun 17 10, 10:57 AM
Lising on ebay...|
For Sale: French military rifle, never fired, only dropped twice.
Reply #899. Jun 17 10, 10:58 AM
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"|
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off"
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."
Reply #900. Jun 17 10, 11:02 AM
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