Taught middle school for 25 years and got this story via email - supposedly true.|
A certain middle school principal was getting recurring complaints from the custodian about the girls putting on lipstick and leaving lip prints on the mirrors in the bathroom. Night after night he would spend extra time cleaning the oily lipstick off the mirrors. Finally the principal had enough, and gathered a group of girls and took them to the bathroom. She also had the custodian come along. She explained to the girls how hard the custodian had to work to clean the mirrors and then asked the him to demonstrate. He took his mop, dipped it in one of the toilets, and then proceeded to clean the mirrors. Problem solved.
Reply #921. Jun 30 10, 7:48 AM
After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night's shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn. |
Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.
Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn't long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.
The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.
Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.
Reply #922. Jun 30 10, 7:50 AM
Snow white and the seven dwarfs.|
Snow White packs their lunches and waves the seven dwarfs off as they go to the mines for the day. About an hour later she hears an almighty explosion coming from the direction of the mines. She drops her feather duster and runs in a mad panic to the mines. When she gets there its chaos...the mine entrance is completely caved in and there's debris everywhere. Fearing the worst, she yells out “Can anybody hear me?"
A muffled voice yells back “England For The World Cup Win!”
"Arh well" says Snow White, "At least Dopey is still alive" :-)
...Too Soon? ;-)
Reply #923. Jul 01 10, 12:49 AM
Too soon? Yes,I haven't finished my week of National Mourning yet!
But I'll live! :))
Reply #924. Jul 01 10, 6:01 AM
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?" |
Reply #925. Jul 01 10, 7:54 AM
A Irish guy walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman staggered to his feet and started to leave. |
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what he had seen, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of olives!"
Reply #926. Jul 03 10, 2:37 PM
An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the|
aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking.
He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of
bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and
dragged himself into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With waning strength, he made it to the table and was just
barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie,
his wife suddenly whacked his hand hard with a spatula causing him to drop the cookie.
"Why?" whispered the dying man. "Why did you do that"?
"They're for the funeral," she replied.
Reply #927. Jul 05 10, 12:46 PM
This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.|
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”
“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”
“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”
Reply #928. Jul 08 10, 9:02 AM
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handywoman type ... she started canvassing a nearby wealthy neighborhood.|
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about fifty dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and asked her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A few hours later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats".
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Reply #929. Jul 08 10, 11:11 AM
An American woman, a British woman, and an Italian woman were having lunch.|
The American woman said, I told my husband that I wasn't going to clean the
house anymore. If he wanted it clean, he would have to do it himself. After the
first day, I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. Then, on
the third day, voila! My husband had cleaned the whole house!
The British woman agreed. I told my husband that I wasn't going to do the
laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he would have to do it himself. After the
first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then,
on the third day, voila! My husband had done both his and my laundry!
The Italian woman chimed in, I told my husband that I wasn't going to cook
anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by his mother or
cook for himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I
didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, I began to see a little out of my
Reply #930. Jul 13 10, 7:04 AM
Saint Peter was at the Pearly Gates when three people arrived. The first one comes up to the entrance and St. Peter asks, "What|
did you die of?"
The man replies, "I died of the big 'C'."
St. Peter says, "The big 'C'? What's that?"
The man replies, "Cancer. It ate me up alive."
St. Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in."
The next man walks up to Saint Peter, and Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?"
The man replies, "I died of the big 'H'."
Saint Peter asks, "The big 'H'? What's the big 'H'?"
The man says, "Heart attack. I was drinking with my kids when my heart gave out, and here I am."
Saint Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in."
The third person, a lady, walks up to Saint Peter. She is dressed like a street walker.
Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?"
The girl replies, "I died of the big 'G'."
Saint Peter says, "The big 'G'? I've never heard of the big 'G'."
She says, "That's the big 'G' for Gonorrhea."
Saint Peter replies, "Gonorrhea? No one dies of gonorrhea!"
The girl replies, "You do if you give it to a Biker !"
Reply #931. Jul 16 10, 7:27 AM
My favorite joke of all time is more of a riddle:|
What gets wetter as it dries?
Reply #932. Jul 18 10, 11:52 PM
The Bishop runs into the Pope's quarters and says, "Your Holiness, I have good news and I have bad news!"|
Pope: "What's the good news?"
Bishop: "Jesus has returned to earth! He's on the phone and wants to speak with you!"
Pope: "And the bad news?"
Bishop: "He's calling from Salt Lake City!"
Reply #933. Jul 24 10, 9:13 AM
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. |
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself.
"When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!"
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too."
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be."
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
Then, he uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
"He's going to run for Congress."
Reply #934. Jul 26 10, 7:48 AM
Out in the plains of Nebraska in the nineteenth century, an Indian chief had three wives, but try as he might he could not have any children.|
Frustrated, he went to the medicine man and told him of the problem. After much consulting with the spririts, the Medicine Man went to the Chief's tent and gave him three animal skins; and elk skin, a bear skin and a hippopotamus skin.
"Put one of these on each of your wives' beds," he instructed. "That should do the trick".
The chief did just that, and sure enough, nine months later, two of the wives delivered a baby while the third delivered twins.
Delighted, yet mystified, the Chief thanked the Medicine man profusely, but asked how come the one wife had twins.
"Well," said the Medicine Man. "Don't you know that the sum of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides?"
(Love a good pun!)
Reply #935. Jul 27 10, 11:42 AM
went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a large snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.|
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Reply #936. Jul 28 10, 9:09 AM
Two flies are sitting on a pile of doo-doo. One of the flies farts. The other one says, "C'mon man. Can't you see I'm eating."|
Reply #937. Jul 28 10, 9:41 PM
Joe B. was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.|
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Joe B's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Joe B's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, he had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Joe B. was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next fall, the bells are not always audible.
Reply #938. Jul 29 10, 8:11 AM
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.|
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening."
The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!"
So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on."
He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up."
He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"
Reply #939. Jul 29 10, 4:40 PM
A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and rubs it.|
Naturally, genie pops out.
'Thank you for freeing me - I'm in a hurry so no three wishes, just one'
'OK' says the guy. 'I've always wanted to visit New Zealand, but am afraid to fly. Can you build a bridge for me?'
"What! A bridge? You any idea how hard that would be? Posts miles long to rest it on, time it would take? Pick another wish.'
'Hmm, ok. I have always wanted to understand women. Can you tell me the secret?'
'Understand women? How many lanes do you want on that bridge?'
Reply #940. Jul 29 10, 5:46 PM
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