Oh, that genie was silly. It is so easy to please a woman. Consider this:|
How to Impress a Lady:
Wine her, dine her, hug her, support her, compliment her, suprise her, smile at her, hold her, romance her, laugh with her, shop with her, cuddle her, go to the end of the earth for her...
How to Impress a Man:
Show up naked, Bring Beer.
Reply #941. Jul 29 10, 6:01 PM
What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?|
A small medium at large!
Reply #942. Jul 30 10, 11:39 AM
Reply #943. Jul 30 10, 2:36 PM
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. |
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
Reply #944. Jul 30 10, 2:43 PM
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"|
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
Reply #945. Jul 30 10, 2:44 PM
Not so much as a joke but a really funny quote|
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
Reply #946. Jul 31 10, 7:37 PM
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. |
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Reply #947. Aug 07 10, 7:36 AM
Retiree Bathtub Test |
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed
near the window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Reply #948. Aug 07 10, 10:32 AM
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. |
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?
Reply #949. Aug 08 10, 7:35 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road?|
Oh my goodness, haven't you learned by now?
To get to the other side, of course!.!
Reply #950. Aug 09 10, 10:58 AM
There was a young man who had just learned to count on his fingers. |
One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill.
He told the uncle to ask him and addition question.
So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The young man counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."
The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it.
Now put your hands in your pockets.
" So the young man put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?"
The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said,
Reply #951. Aug 10 10, 7:37 AM
A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!' |
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'
The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking oil. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'
The clerk is astonished.
'Your wife's name is Crisco?'
The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public.'
'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at home?'
Reply #952. Aug 11 10, 8:09 AM
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. |
His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
Reply #953. Aug 12 10, 8:46 AM
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. |
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that damn cat on the phone ! I'm lost and need directions!"
Reply #954. Aug 14 10, 7:44 AM
Did you hear that Buckwheat converted to islam? Yeah, and he had to change his name.|
Reply #955. Aug 15 10, 12:36 PM
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.|
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
Reply #956. Aug 16 10, 8:07 AM
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" |
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Reply #957. Aug 17 10, 8:18 AM
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. |
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't goin to eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
Reply #958. Aug 19 10, 7:43 AM
This is a joke from "Family Guy"|
I go to a bar, and I talk to the bartender, and order a Grasshopper. On the way home, I notice a grasshopper, and say "Hey, did you know there's a drink named after you?", and the grasshopper says "You mean there's a drink named Ervin?!". The joke was spoken by Quagmire, from "Family Guy".
Reply #959. Aug 19 10, 10:17 PM
HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP|
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers - decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives…twice.
Reply #960. Aug 20 10, 8:14 AM
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