Doctor, doctor, I think I'm turning into a young cat.|
You must be kitten me.
Reply #981. Sep 04 10, 12:30 PM
Doctor, doctor, my snoring wakes me up every night.|
Try sleeping in a different bedroom, then you won't be able to hear it.
Reply #982. Sep 05 10, 9:07 AM
Please French teacher,|
listen to me,
I don't really know French,
but I need a oui!
Reply #983. Sep 05 10, 9:09 AM
Teacher: Steven, what's a computer byte?|
Steven: I didn't even know they had teeth!
Reply #984. Sep 05 10, 9:12 AM
Yootha person who owns this house, 'cause it's on fire!
Reply #985. Sep 05 10, 9:17 AM
Carl this a friendly greeting- 'cause I don't!
Reply #986. Sep 05 10, 9:18 AM
What do you get if you cross a teacher with a vampire?|
Reply #987. Sep 05 10, 11:32 AM
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. |
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it.
The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
Reply #988. Sep 08 10, 7:41 AM
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in South Dakota , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.|
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores..
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge! Show him your BADGE!"
Reply #989. Sep 09 10, 7:26 AM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. |
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."
Reply #990. Sep 10 10, 7:53 AM
One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife (who was a blonde) in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio.|
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow tod ay.
You must park..." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
Reply #991. Sep 16 10, 7:23 AM
Last week I went on one of those "Once in a life time holidays".|
It was Rubbish. I'll not be back there again.
Reply #992. Sep 16 10, 12:53 PM
Had this cartoon clip on my refridgerator for years...|
Ziggy looked down and saw a fallen star that said to him, "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!"
Reply #993. Sep 16 10, 10:52 PM
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. |
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Reply #994. Sep 22 10, 7:38 AM
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. |
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
Reply #995. Sep 24 10, 6:26 AM
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. |
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."
Reply #996. Oct 03 10, 7:23 AM
In 1873 the Arabs invented the condom by using sheeps intestines.|
In 1874 the English decided that it might be better to remove the sheeps intestines first.
Reply #997. Oct 03 10, 6:59 PM
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,"How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!"and hangs up.|
Her husband rolls over and asks,"Sweetheart, who was that?"
"I don't know,some dumb woman asking if the coast is clear."
Reply #998. Oct 05 10, 6:01 AM
In an effort to rally support for his flagging Administration, President Obama embraked on a cross-country tour. Addressing a small gathering on a farm in rural Missouri, the President climbed up on a manure spreader and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in my life, I am speaking from a Republican platform."|
Instantly, an old man in the crowd called out, "You git down from there, young feller! 'Tain't made to carry sich a heavy load."
Reply #999. Oct 10 10, 11:29 AM
Just a friendly reminder to keep them suitable for a family audience.|
Reply #1000. Oct 19 10, 12:35 AM
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