daymare 
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Hi, Jazmee and Ethan.
So, what's planned for today? Does your Mom have tomorrow off?
Do you have a new downstairs neighbor yet?
Reply #41. Sep 04 11, 10:03 AM
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Jazmee27
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She hasn't moved in yet, but hopefully soon (I don't know how long maintenance needs to tidy up the apartment after the old tenant leaves, but that was the hold-up when I was waiting to move in, too)
Yes, Mom has off tomorrow and a plan is in the works by which we'll both spend time with Grandma-Mom would have liked to invite us to her place, but she still has plumbing problems so either they're both coming here or we're going down to Grandma
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Reply #42. Sep 04 11, 10:42 AM
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Jazmee27
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At some point, I'll copy all my poems and stories over here.
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Reply #43. Sep 04 11, 11:05 AM
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Jazmee27
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The first stories wil be from the folder entitled "Jazmee's World," written in 2010
From the spring, our first tale is called "Phone Call"
===
"Yes, I understand that," Jazmee said into the phone, struggling to make her voice as even as possible, "but the situation is this: I'm sight impaired. I
have balance issues. The ramp is right next to the steps. Navigating that on my own is not anoption." She took a deep breath, then continued: "If this
were a matter of mobility only, I could get around it. If it was a question of the vision impairment, I could get around it. But the fact is, we're dealing
with the combination here, and that's what's making it difficult for me to be as independent as I can be." 'And,' she thought, 'independent doesn't mean I won't ever need help!'
Miles away in a land known only to a choice few,Maria sat at a table, staring absently at a pile of documents. "I don't see wy we couldn't! I mean, if she's
meant to be one of ours, and if she has magical abilities, why not pull her out and begin her training now?"
Devlin shook his head sadly. "It's not the right time."
"And just when is the right time? The Universe is erupting in chaos, we're short on fighters, and it's not the right time!"
"We have fighters, they just need to finish training first."
"You're right, of course," the Assistant Headmistress conceeded grudgingly.
"Thin is," the Headmaster said with a sigh, rubbing his temples vigorously, "that until the girl accepts us she isn't really ours."
"Oh, I hate it when you're right!"
"I should be the one saying that to you-and sometimes, I hate it when I'm right, too. Give her time. If she truly is a Protector, we'll know soon enough."
___
I wrote this back when I was engaged in heated arguments with the local para transit company (funny how inspiration lent itself to me in the form of a fictional story)
I remember writing it shortly after a conversation wit the ODS coordinator at HACC (the fictional lines I had with the person on the phone are similar, if not the same as, those spoken to her)
At one time, I'd even begun drafting letters to theCounty Commissioner; they were never sent-that was about a year and a half go)
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Reply #44. Sep 04 11, 12:38 PM
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Jazmee27
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I hear another storm’s expected… Which one?
 http://hurricane.accuweather.com/hurricane/atlantic/basin.asp.
“Tropical Storm Katia is located at 21.4° N, 58.5° W with maximum sustained winds of 70 mph, gusting to 85 mph”
“Tropical Storm Lee is located at 29.6° N, 92.5° W with maximum sustained winds of 45 mph, gusting to 60 mph”
“Tropical Storm Lee, currently prompting flash floods and tornadoes in the Gulf region, set to bring a Labor Day washout.”
“Elsewhere, there are no other signs of tropical development across the basin.” (as of right now, you mean)
Well, we know rain’s forecast, and the time of year indicates another storm (the last thing we need is more rain-yeah, we need it like a whole in the head)
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Reply #45. Sep 04 11, 3:26 PM
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Jazmee27
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I think we need more humor in here:
http://www.moggies.co.uk/html/jokes.html.
The ones that got my attention were,
- “What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?”
- “How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.”
- “Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.”
- “What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.”
- “What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.”
- “What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.”
- “What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.”
- “If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.”
- “Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.”
- “If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.”
- “Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.”
- “How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion.”
- “What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.”
- “Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.”
- “What is the cat's favourite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.”
- “How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.”
- “Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.”
- “If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.”
- “Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.”
- “Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.”
- “Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.”
- “Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted.”
http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/quotes/cats_are.html.
More favorites,
- “Why Cats are Better than Men
1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.
2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.
3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where she is.
4. If you stroke a cat she won't leap on you for sex.
5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.
6. When a cat comes in at midnight it doesn't wake you up by smashing into the furniture.
7. Cats never pretend they know how to fix the video.
8. Cats don't care what size your boobs are.
9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.
10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs however much cellulite you have.
11. Cats can be neutered if they stray.
12. If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy her.
13. It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.
14. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.
15. You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.
16. Better chance of training a cat.
17. Cats are cute.
18. A cat is never late for dinner.
19. Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags!
20. You'll never get a call from you cat's ex-wife.
21. A cat would never leave you for a younger women.
22. Cats treat your mom with respect.
23. Cats don't worry about hair loss.
24. I feels nice to stroke a cats soft, fluffy fur.
25. A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying.
26. Cats can't show love without meaning it.
27. To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 40p
28. Cats actually think with their heads.
29. Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.
30. It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.
31. Cats comfort you when you are sick.
32. When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.”
- “Like Cats And Dogs
What is a Cat?
List of 10 items
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.
list end
What is a Dog?
List of 10 items
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: Dogs are men in little fur coats.
list end”
- “Top 10 reasons why kittens are better than babies:
10.
Veterinarians have evening hours.
9.
Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its crying. Heck, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you
don't even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.
8.
Your kitten won't grow out of those cute, but expensive clothes within three months.
7.
Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath this month.
6.
You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you are going to finance your kitten's college education.
5.
No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't want to breast feed your kitten.
4.
No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.
3.
Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever
ask you if you know who the father is.
2.
No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.”
- “Top Ten Things A Cat Thinks About...
List of 10 items
1. I could have sworn I heard a can opener.
2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmmm.... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we ever get those STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey - no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilisation of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first
place.
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!”
- “CAT COMMANDMENTS
List of 18 items
1. Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
2. Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
3. Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off of the roll.
4. Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor, as thou art not transparent.
5. Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
6. Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
7. Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
8. Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap region.
9. Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
10. Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
11. Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou will fall in and trap thy self.
12. Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat, just as thy human is sitting down.
13. Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 am.
14. Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
15. Thou shalt not trip thy human even if they are walking too slow.
16. Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in the house.
17. Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
18. Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
list en”
- “Cats Rules Of Life
Although cats are the best and most wonderful creatures on this planet, they are quite bizzare... After Conspiring with the Cats Association for Taking
over Earth (CATE), I have managed to steal some Top Secret information about the mysterious the guardians of the underworld. This is their rules of life
(that every cat MUST stick to) in order to take over the world! But how these rules will help to achieve their objectives still remains a total mystery
to humans.
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare but occasionally rub their legs.
DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand looking sad at the humans. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After
you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather,
rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing
up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot or expensive clothing.
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."
Following are the rules for "hampering:"
List of 5 items
• When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then
picked up and comforted.
• For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
• For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every
so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. Bite when you're moved on.
• When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
• MOST IMPORTANT When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard and write a short story. Bat at mouse pointer on screen as if
it were real. Then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.
list end
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the
dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co-ordination skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. Even better- lie on his or hers face, making sure your arse is right on their nose. When
she is wearing an expensive silk nightie, don't forget to paw it. This will create lovely patterns!
LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. The smell
is also very attractive.
HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you for a few days. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that
you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
SLEEPING:
In order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep (at least 16 hours per day). It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable
place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color.
If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being
seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity
when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early
and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.
FOOD:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have
two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for
getting fed.
List of 5 items
1. When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
2. Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
3. Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.
4. Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will usually not be so polite
and try to leave.
5. Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for
food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are
not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the
Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.
list end”
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Reply #46. Sep 04 11, 6:36 PM
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Jazmee27
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Aching back or no, I’m not sleeping in my bed-it’s right under a window, and we’re having a thunderstorm. I hadn’t even realized what the strange noise I’d heard was until I saw lightning. I then switched on the Weather Radio. National Weather Service forecast for the area: thunderstorms, some producing damaging winds. More rain tomorrow. I hope Mom’s home now.
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Reply #47. Sep 04 11, 8:21 PM
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Jazmee27
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| I change my mind: sleeping in bed wit head at the other end so I can take digital player to bed with me. I'm scared :( |
Reply #48. Sep 04 11, 8:22 PM
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daymare
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'Morning, Jazmee.
I am sorry you were scared.
I hope you have a good day.
Reply #50. Sep 05 11, 7:57 AM
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Jazmee27
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Time for more humor:
http://www.enchantedlearning.com/subjects/birds/Birdjokes.html.
I like:
- “Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot
and a shark
?
A: A bird that talks your ear
off!”
- “Q: Why was the chicken
afraid of the chicken?
A: Because he was chicken!”
- “Q: What do you get if you cross a canary
and a 50-foot long snake
?
A: A sing-a-long!”
- “Q: What books
did the owl
like?
A: Hoot-dunits!”
- “Q: What's the difference between a duck
with one wing and a duck
with two wings?
A: Why, that's a difference of a pinion!”
- “Q: What bird
is with you at every meal
?
A: A swallow!”
- “Silly boy: I'd like to buy some bird seed.
Clerk: How many birds
do you have?
Silly boy: None! I want to grow some!”
- “Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken
with a cow
?
A: Roost beef!”
http://www.thayerbirding.com/birdjokes.htm.
These are so bad they’re funny (my faves are):
- “A BlueJay applied for the receptionists job at the new AT&T headquarters. The interviewer, a bit non-plussed, told the Jay that the candidate had to be
able to type at least 80 words per minute. The Jay demonstrated a 100 wpm talent! Not wanting to hire a BIRD for the job, the interviewer told the Jay
that the candidate had to be able to take dictation. The Jay surpassed all other candidates. Finally the interviewer thought he'd be able to get rid of
the Jay with "the candidate must be bilingual!" The Jay replied "Meow!"”
- “Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense? A: I'll tell you tomorrow!”
- “This guy in a station wagon is riding down the road with the back full of penguins. A cop sees him and pulls him over and says,"I want you to take those
penguins to the zoo right now!" The guy says, "O.K." Next day the cop sees this same guy going down the road with the penguins in the back. This time the
penguins are wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over again and says,"I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo." The guy answers, "Yeah,
that's right, we went and had a helluva time. We're going to the beach today!"”
- “A mother bird, a daddy bird and their baby bird were getting ready to migrate. The mother bird said, "My instincts tell me to go north." The daddy bird
said, "My instincts tell me to go south." The baby bird said,"My end stinks too, but it doesn't tell me where to go!"”
- “A man went swimming on Galveston Island, he left his watch with his shoes. A bird ate his watch and flew away, he chased it into a large flock of birds.
Grabbing a rock, he started towards the flock. When a cop stopped him, he stated "One of those birds ate my watch, I'm leaving no tern unstoned until I
find it".”
- “A burglar crept into a dark house and as he crossed the room he heard a voice say, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!" He froze in his tracks and waited. He started
walking again, and again the voice came "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU". Finally the burglar's eyes adjusted to the dark and with great relief he saw a parrot
in a cage in the corner. "What's your name," he asked the parrot. "Bonzo" said the parrot. "Who gave you that stupid name" sneered the burglar. "The same
guy who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
- “This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice, "Can you talk?" This goes on for weeks with absolutely
no response from the bird. Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts, "CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID MORONIC BIRD? CAN YOU TALK?" The bird looks him in
the eye and says "I can talk, all right. Can you fly?"”
- “Two crows are sitting on a fence, when a jet-fighter doing training maneuvers roars overhead. 1st crow says wistfully "Man, I sure wish I could fly that
fast!" 2nd crow remarks "If you had two butts, and both of them were on fire, you could!"”
http://www.plannedparrothood.com/jokes.html.
Here are the ones I like best:
- “GOT ANY GRAPES?
One day a parrot walked up to the counter inside a convenience store. The parrot said to the clerk "Got any grapes?"
"No" replied the store clerk. The parrot smiled and walked out the door. A little while later the parrot returned and asked "Got any grapes?" The clerk
replied "No! I already told you 15 minutes ago, i don't have any grapes!"
The parrot smiled and once again walked out of the store. Ten minutes later, the parrot returned and asked once again "Got any grapes?" The irate clerk
yelled "No! We didn't have any, we don't have any and we're not going to have any! If you come back in here again, i'm going to nail your feet to the floor!"
The parrot smiled and walked out the door. Later that day the parrot returned and asked "Got any nails?" The clerk said "NO!". The parrot replied "Good.
Got any grapes?"”
- “MAMA'S GIFTS
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who
told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year
for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.
"She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind.
I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."”
- “GOING, GOING, GONE!
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding,
but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally
his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to
find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"”
- “COURTEOUS PARROT
A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really
ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing
her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The
store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot
said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its
perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."”
- “CHEAP ENTERTAINMENT
A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night
and drink lots and lots." "Oh yes," says the bartender. "How are you going to do that?" The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano.
The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "Have you got
anything else?" The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along
- sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The bartender is delighted.
"I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks. The man shook his head no. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the bartender. "OK, I'll
sell you the parrot for $100" the man says. The bartender is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster
said, "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100". "No I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist"!”
- “EXPENSIVE PARROTS
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs
$500". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to
use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $2,000. Needless to say, this begs the question "What can
it do?", to which the owner replies, "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!".”
- “FRIGID PARROT
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating
himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad
and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and
he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and
thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens
up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to
improve my vocabulary from now on.".
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but
what did the chicken do?".”
- “MAGICIAN AND THE PARROT
There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment.
He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking out and giving away
his secrets like:
"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"or
"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"or
"IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!"
The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his
act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.
Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could
see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.
The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"”
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Reply #51. Sep 05 11, 11:49 AM
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Jazmee27
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Mom and Grandma are due to arrive around 5. Mom said she's picking up a chicken-bacon-ranch pizza or something.
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Reply #52. Sep 05 11, 11:52 AM
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daymare
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Jazmee, those are good. The only jokes I remember are naughty. Wait...I can't remember those either. Darned brain...
Reply #53. Sep 05 11, 1:38 PM
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Jazmee27
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The only downside was that I only had one paper plate left :( The plus was that Mom did the dishes :)
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Reply #54. Sep 05 11, 5:15 PM
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Jazmee27
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Feel free to advise me on color schemes, etc., as I can’t see well enough to appreciate such things
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Reply #56. Sep 05 11, 7:32 PM
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daymare
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On the second one, with the rug, the end table could also be removed as unnecessary. As it sits on the ground, it actually serves no purpose.
Reply #58. Sep 05 11, 7:45 PM
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Jazmee27
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Could you kindly describe the colors to me?
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Reply #59. Sep 05 11, 7:56 PM
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daymare
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Sorry, I knew I forgot something....
The first link is of a living room with chairs and an oversized footstool (almost the size of the chairs) in a large check pattern in different shades of blue. The tables are blue. The built in cabinet is a light cream color. The walls are dark blue with the door frames in a bright white as is the ceiling. There is a large checked rug which is not necessary.
The second link is all about contrasts. Stripes on the wall hanging and on the lounging couch. Solid colors of lime green and light turquoise. There are pillows with flowers, circles within circles, stripes. The stripes on the wall hanging and pillows and couch are everything from white to the same lime green and light turquoise. The colors include rose, yellow, orange, purple. One wall is painted in a deep rose color. The remaining walls are a bold white.
The chair I mentioned in the last link (the one I liked for being 'loud' is a compilation of pink, yellow and lime green.
I hope this helps.
Reply #60. Sep 05 11, 8:08 PM
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