Minus the fur, it reminds me of my ex husband :D|
Reply #321. Apr 21 12, 12:36 AM
And I just found it somewhere, George, a while back. Can't remember now :)
Reply #322. Apr 21 12, 2:56 AM
How to IMPRESS a WOMAN -|
Spend money on her,
Wine and dine her,
Buy things for her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand by her,
Go to the ends of the Earth for her.
How to IMPRESS a MAN -
Show up naked.
Reply #323. Apr 21 12, 5:25 AM
How to REALLY impress a man.|
Just leave the beer outside the door.
Reply #324. Apr 21 12, 7:05 AM
|Topic of the Day: Money|
Somewhere I read that women control 90% of all the money in the world. This may well be true; it would explain the current state of the economy. Another often cited statistic is that women only earn seventy cents for every dollar that a man earns. Again, this may well be true, although it overlooks the fact that women are paid 70% of the wage earned by men while (in my experience) doing about 10% of the work.
There are, of course, many professions where women outperform men: kindergarten teacher, nurse, and stripper. Men are better at virtually everything else. But if women are not earning the money they have, where are they getting it? The answer is obvious: they are getting it from you.
The most common way women get their paws on your money is by marrying you, and then driving you to an early grave. Spare me the old wives tales about married men living longer than bachelors. Even if they are true, bachelors usually die with a smile on their faces, their demise brought on by the consequences of various types of high jinks that have brought them a great deal of pleasure. Ask a dying bachelor what he thinks of life, and he is likely to say something along the lines of Errol Flynn's last words: "I've had a Hell of a lot of fun, and enjoyed every minute of it." Granted, Flynn wasn't a bachelor, but he lived like one, so he counts. Ask a married man, and he is more likely to quote Woodrow Wilson: "I am ready to go."
Since women know they are going to outlive us, they often give a great deal of thought to financial security during their "golden years." I recently received an email from a lady friend who is turning 50, or thereabouts. She works for the federal government, and has for the past 32 years. She owns a condo worth about half a million dollars (purchased with funds obtained by taking her husband to the cleaners when they were divorced), and has $160K in the bank. She said her financial advisor told her this was not enough to retire in comfort. What should she do?
I replied that I have $50 in the bank, a mortgage on my house, and my financial advisor is the guy who prints the tip sheets at Hawthorne Park. Scientists who are analyzing the human genome have determined that man and chimpanzees diverged in the evolutionary pattern about eight million years ago; further research will probably reveal that, billions of years ago, women branched off from ants, and men from grasshoppers. I told her she should retire immediately, buy gold with her money and bury it somewhere President Obama can't find it, and not to worry about her retirement because the world is ending on December 21 anyway.
Women will spend money, even their own money, but they will spend it on things that make no sense at all. This is how artists like Gerhard Richter make a living. Rich widows with more money than taste will shell out millions for a piece of canvass that looks like a monkey spilled paint on it. They will plonk down $500 for a pair of "designer" shoes, and then spend $100 for a pedicure to show them off. This same woman will ridicule you for spending ten bucks for a six-pack of expensive beer. She will then drink all your beer.
Women are big on coupons. They will spend hours clipping them, and use $5 worth of gas driving across town to save 25 cents on a can of artichoke hearts. They will also try to use expired coupons, and argue for half an hour with the cashier at the checkout counter about it. This will happen while you are in line behind her (see Shopping).
One reason that women are able to accumulate vast sums of money while having no more economic sense than Tim Geithner is that men are expected to pay for everything (see Entertainment). As a rule of thumb, the more attractive your girlfriend, the more expensive her tastes. No matter how bad it gets, however, you can comfort yourself with the thought that it could be worse; you could be married. Women, like carpet steamers, are one thing that it makes more sense to rent than to buy.
Reply #325. Apr 21 12, 10:50 AM
((No matter how bad it gets, however, you can comfort yourself with the thought that it could be worse; you could be married. Women, like carpet steamers, are one thing that it makes more sense to rent than to buy.))|
Daver, you can trust me on this. You don't need to worry about getting married. I would, however, consider the very real possibility of getting, slobber knocked, by one these lovely ladies ;-)
Shake hands and come out fighting.
Reply #326. Apr 21 12, 2:14 PM
((Daver, you can trust me on this. You don't need to worry about getting married))|
Don't be sure about that,there are many, many women who have gone to altar, thinking,(foolishly), that they can change their man to suit them.
What's that truism that states that a man marries a woman, hoping that she'll never change, and a woman marries a man to change him?. It's called a truism for a reason.
Why,Oh Why, do women tend to look upon men as just one lifetime work project?
The point i'm getting across here is that for Daver, there are probably a lot of women who are up to the challenge.
I don't suppose that there are any on this thread.;).
What about it, Daver,are there any women that you've met that have tried to change you for the better ITO?
I'll bet there has been a few, in fact i'm willing to put money on it!
Men aren't the only ones guilty of wishful thinking.
Reply #327. Apr 21 12, 3:22 PM
|There have been women who tried to get me to eat vegetables. Most of them are no longer with us.|
Reply #328. Apr 21 12, 3:28 PM
Daver needs a woman who will feed him Okra every night until he learns to love it. lol|
Reply #329. Apr 21 12, 4:02 PM
|I will not live that long. Okra, the nastiest stuff on earth.|
Reply #330. Apr 21 12, 4:22 PM
Many years ago, I was told what a woman thinks as she is about to get married...|
She's thinking of the aisle she has to walk down..
The altar before which she will stand..
and finally, the hymn that will be sung..
So, what's she thinking ?
AISLE (I'LL) ALTAR (ALTER) HYMN (HIM)
Good luck girl ! You got NO chance !
Reply #331. Apr 21 12, 4:59 PM
Okra (and Broccoli) about the only thing we would agree on Daver.|
Reply #332. Apr 21 12, 7:00 PM
I take it then, Dave, that you're rented quite a few women?|
Reply #333. Apr 21 12, 10:32 PM
Did it ever occur to you supercilious, arrogant, males, that were it not for some female none of you would be here. I will grant you this, in some cases they were indeed very foolish women.|
Reply #334. Apr 21 12, 11:27 PM
Did it ever occur to you overemotional, irrational females that if it wasn't for some male, none of YOU would be here? |
Reply #335. Apr 22 12, 12:23 AM
Personally I think the Black Widow Spider has the game by the throat. A very wise lady, who knows how to dispense with unwanted baggage|
Reply #336. Apr 22 12, 12:28 AM
Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap. That's a lot of big talk from someone who will never back it up. |
Reply #337. Apr 22 12, 12:31 AM
I read somewhere that in a thousand or so years, females will no longer need assistance in reproducing. She will only ever produce more females though and the male of the species will eventually die out.|
This seems somewhat of a shame, but who am I to argue with science. All those wasted wars, tsk.
When it was announced by someone in a chatroom I was then hosting in, I thought World War III had broken out. The men were furious at being made superfluous, and the women taunted them like mad. (It was an Australian chatroom, Mike)
I think I had to turf half the room out before they settled down. All that over some eggs and frisky little swimmers.
Every new embryo is female for the first few weeks of its life, did you know that, gents?
The writing is on the wall for you, I sadly fear.
Reply #338. Apr 22 12, 12:35 AM
Yeah, too bad, you won't live to see it. You won't even outlive me. One more thing?|
"Every new embryo is female for the first few weeks of its life, did you know that, gents?"
Basic biology. Come with something better.
Reply #339. Apr 22 12, 12:37 AM
Well, no need to get so upset, Anton....dear. It must be your female side playing up, which, I think, actually predominates with you.|
Hurling insults round however is the mark of an adolescent boy who usually likes to scribble on lavatory walls.
So you would appear to be nicely balanced. A cross between hysteria and a filthy mouth.
Tick, tick, tick, that science clock is ticking down steadily.
Reply #340. Apr 22 12, 12:58 AM
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