Jazmee27 
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It would be even funnier, Daver, if I was writing it - but I'm reading it. (Why does the library insist on sending me some of this stuff?)
I'm trying not to (a) fall asleep, or (b) die laughing--so, yes, "ha ha.")
It isn’t the kind of book I normally read (in a lot of ways it reminds me of “The Winnner Stands Alone” in the sense that it’s different from my “usual” reading—as if I have a “usual” [perhaps at one time I did])
O ut of curiosity, I looked up the author:
- “His works explore the ambivalent moral and political issues of the modern world.”
- Other titles include “Brighton Rock,,” “Brighton Rock,
- The Power and the Glory,,” “Brighton Rock,
- The Power and the Glory,
- The Heart of the Matter,” “The End of the Affair.,” “The Confidential Agent,,” “The Confidential Agent,
- The Third Man,,” “The Confidential Agent,
- The Third Man,
- The Quiet American,,” “The Confidential Agent,
- The Third Man,
- The Quiet American,
- Our Man in Havana,” and “The Confidential Agent,
- The Third Man,
- The Quiet American,
- Our Man in Havana
- and
- The Human Factor.”
- Oh, look—this explains quite a bit to me: “Greene suffered from bipolar disorder,” (My first thought upon reading that was, that’s why he has one of his characters being extremely paranoid!
- William Golding described Greene as "the ultimate chronicler of twentieth-century man's consciousness and anxiety."
- “The Man Within” was published in 1929
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Reply #301. May 17 12, 11:31 AM
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Jazmee27
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I'll never understand what possessed me to put that in the "other" folder. Come on--I wrote that in May, too--unless I'm completely out of my mind
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I was sitting at the kitchen table, finishing my iced tea, when I had a thought: “If I have any personality disorder, it’s liable to be avoidant.” And while it is true that the ccurse of being a psyc major, or even studying abnormal behavior, is that one constantly tries to diagnose himself or herself, there are times when a particular diagnosis matches with one’s behavior in a way that can’t be denied.
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Reply #302. May 17 12, 1:51 PM
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Jazmee27
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===
Following are some quotes I read--and my commentary about them:
“Avoidant personality disorder is a mental health condition in which a person has a lifelong pattern of feeling very shy, inadequate, and sensitive to rejection.” I’m often uncomfortable around people I don’t know and, even though some in my family would disagree, am often shy around others. Maybe part of this is that I had people pretend to be my friends when I was younger, only to turn around and treat me like the dirt under their feet—sometimes even worse than that, if you can imagine it. And any form of criticism cuts me like a knife, even the constructive kind. In some cases, even good-natured teasing is hard for me to take, though I can dish it out (I’m working on improving that, but…) And, if left to my own devices, I wouldn’t leave my apartment—that’s how uneasy social interactions leave me (and if that isn’t avoidant behavior, I don’t know what is! [I know socializing is healthy, andeven yearn friends—and a boyfriend—but the thought of past rejections is hard to overcome}]).
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Reply #303. May 17 12, 1:55 PM
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Jazmee27
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Or, as PubMedHealth puts it, “People with avoidant personality disorder can't stop thinking about their own shortcomings. They form relationships with other people only if they believe
they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these people will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.”
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Again, working on that.
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Reply #304. May 17 12, 1:56 PM
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Jazmee27
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“A person with avoidant personality disorder may: • Be easily hurt when people criticize or disapprove of them” (that’s me [I still remember hhow it felt to have Kerstin and Emily degrade me on the bus, and Caroline have her brother pick up the phone so she wouldn’t have to talk to me, or how upsetting it was to be teased relentlessly about the death of a puppy I was attached to {he was my grandma’s and, in March of 1995, when I was in fifth grade, he ran out in front of a car and was run over. Comments included “Rocky’s dead,” “I shot Rocky with a .45 pistol,” and “I ran over Rocky with an 18 wheeler!”}]);
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Reply #305. May 17 12, 1:57 PM
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Jazmee27
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“• Hold back too much in intimate relationships” (same as above [I shy away from the very idea of intimate relationships {I once thought I was in love with someone, but it turned out to be only infatuation, and the emotions I was feeling scared me, and then he got in trouble and was suspended from the program we were at—and when he came back, I got mad at him and ended up getting kicked out altogether. And once or twice I got hung up on the concept of love itself, but never really became involved with anyone. The prospect of laying my heart out to a man and being laughed at or hurt is just so… No, I could never bear that! {Although I do focus heavily on intimate relationships in some of my stories}]);
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Reply #306. May 17 12, 1:58 PM
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Jazmee27
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“• Be reluctant to become involved with people” (that’s a big one [the people I live with often ask Mom if I’m OK: “How’s Jaymee? We never see Jaymee” {Mom says it’s ridiculous, but I feel like I don’t relate to these people. I’m 28, and the youngest one here; the second youngest is about forty years older—and though I have a good relationship with my mother and my grandmother, I’ve pretty much known them my whole life, and know that no matter what happens, they’ll always… and I have to stop there, because even they have rejected me in their own way: disapproval}]);
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Reply #307. May 17 12, 1:59 PM
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Jazmee27
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Is it possible I've read rejection where there was none?
Overreacted to a situation? (YES)
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Reply #308. May 17 12, 2:00 PM
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Jazmee27
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“• Avoid activities or jobs that involve contact with others” (ouch! [I tried working with others, and it didn’t work {I guess I took my feelings of insecurity out on my coworkers}]);
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Let's not forget that was... oh, gee, how many *years* was that? (2003? '04? Either or both)
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Reply #309. May 17 12, 2:03 PM
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Jazmee27
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One can only have an argument with oneself with time... or changing circumstances
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“• Be shy in social situations out of fear of doing something wrong” (this prompted me to think, “Oh my God—that is you!” [initiating conversations or keeping them going, for the most part at any rate, fills me with dread {but I’ve noticed that there are times the fear disappears once I’m talking to someone, and we talk and talk for hours—that’s what happened with my friend Tiffany, and that’s what happened with my cousin Rebecca}]);
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Try loosening up--you make yourself way too damn tense!
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Reply #310. May 17 12, 2:05 PM
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Jazmee27
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This reminds me of that "letter to my younger self" article
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“• Make potential difficulties seem worse than they are” (unfortunately—worst-case scenario-type stuff [and then I end up “shutting down,” until someone gives me a “reality check” {mostly Mom or Tiffany}]);
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When will it be you?
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Reply #311. May 17 12, 2:07 PM
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Jazmee27
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“• Hold the view they are not good socially, not as good as other people, or unappealing” (somewhere deep down, I know I’m pretty and special and all that, but in the “real world” of stress and all that it’s hard to convince myself [old habits are hard to break and all that {and every time I encounter an obstacle, it only seems to validate the view that someone else *is more worthy}]).
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Hold up! Deep down you consider yourself special or pretty? Since when?
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Now I do, but certainly not back then
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STRESS ISN'T AN EXCUSE!
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Reply #312. May 17 12, 2:10 PM
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Jazmee27
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What? Are we dreaming of watches here?
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The pin in my watchband decided to come out… Hope it’s still partly in there, so I don’t have to buy a new band.
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Reply #313. May 17 12, 2:11 PM
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Jazmee27
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Halloween in springtime?
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this morning had another weird dream. The details are fuzzy, but I remember it was Halloween, and I remember the screams… (I know it was chilly last night, but… where do such things come from? [There again, I probably needn’t ask—most likely a combination of my story, the weather, and “The Ghost King,” as I’m relistening to it for the fourth or fifth time]).
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"The Ghost King"... one of those books I *didn't think I'd get into, especially since it was a book four--but the narrator was *awesome* (as Michael would say, "outstanding!")
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Reply #314. May 17 12, 2:15 PM
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Jazmee27
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WHAT? Shouldn't that say "the pillow Mom got me for my allergies over my eyes"? Not sure if that makes a lot more sense--but the way it's written sure doesn't (when the hell did I write this?)
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As I sit here at my desk, the “pillow” Mom got me for my eyes over my allergies, my mind travels back to the day I moved into my little apartment. I remember the cold, the sind frigid and biting. My bird, Ethan, had to be left at home because the draft would have been too much for him. |
Reply #315. May 17 12, 3:56 PM
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Jazmee27
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The date: January 29, 2010—a Friday.
My friend Tiffany had come down to help me move in. Mom had hired a moving van to take the stuff over. And I’d gone over to the building the day before to finish filling out the seemingly endless pile of paperwork.
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Reply #316. May 17 12, 3:57 PM
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Jazmee27
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I think back to the months before the move, the constant waiting. Waiting for what? My name had been at the top of the waiting list since August; but maintenance had to clean the entire place—and install grab bars in the bathroom. I smile, hearing Mom say, “I don’t compromise when it comes to safety”.
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Reply #317. May 17 12, 3:57 PM
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Jazmee27
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And then I chuckle, having almost forgotten Grandma. On the day of the 29th, she came up to help me move things and, being the impatient person she was, phoned both Mom and I when we weren’t exactly on time.
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Reply #318. May 17 12, 3:58 PM
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Jazmee27
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Then I remember how the movers pulled into the alley just as Grandma was calling. “She’s going to have to wait,” Mom exclaimed as she turned the car back around (we had been about to go back to her house, see, to meet Grandma, but with the arrival of the moving van, that wasn’t going to happen).
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Reply #319. May 17 12, 3:59 PM
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Jazmee27
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I also remember that night, crying because my buddy, my little Ethan, wasn’t at home with me. And Mom promised that, “even if I have to bring him in a box in a box in a box, I’ll get him here tomorrow”. And she did, though she feared the trip had killed him (he was fine when she lowered his cage into a box, but the moment she piled stuff on top, he started squawking up a storm. So then, she took off the book and cover and talked to him, at which time he was fine—but as soon as she put the stuff back on the cage, he began screaming again [until, that is, they were in the car, at which time he fell silent {Mom traveled up in the elevator, looking at Grandma and thinking, “Oh, no,” and wondering how she was going to tell me. But we were all in for a pleasant surprise when she unpacked the cage and he began chirping}]).
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Reply #320. May 17 12, 4:00 PM
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