| Jazmee27
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IRRATIONAL FEAR SEEMS TO BE A PART OF ME
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Last night was the first time since I lived here that I traversed the stairs. A year and a half, more or less, with the certain knowledge that, in an emergency, I’d be forced to use the stairs because the elevators stop working; yet, at the same time knowing—or fearing=--that my perilous balance would make using the stairs impossible.
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Reply #681. Jun 11 12, 8:29 PM
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| Jazmee27
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The stairwell is located at the end of the hall from me, just past the “trash room”. The door’s situated between apartments 501 and 502 and, like the other doors in this building, opens inward. Fortunately, there are three or four steps between said door and the steps themselves. Plus, the banister is quite big, with the stairs spiraling upward to the right, and down to the left. And the steps themselves are anything but steep, dispelling one of my fears instantaneously. Additionally, each floor is comprised only of seven steps.
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Reply #682. Jun 11 12, 8:30 PM
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| Jazmee27
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The one drawback: it’s pitch black in there. From the moment I crossed into that room, the memory of staring down into the basement of Annville-Cleona Elementary School, of visualizing myself flipping over that flimsy chain, rushed into my mind. And I remembered moving into the house Mom still lives in, and being terrified of the basement: truly, she wouldn’t have had to keep lecturing about why I should stay away from it; fear itself would have kept me safe. First off, I knew the stairs were steep, and most likely hard wood or some other equally hard surface—it wouldn’t surprise me had it been brick. But most of all, the utter blackness… and how musty it was…
I was also reminded of the MRI I had last year. I remember feeling like the walls were closing in on me, and as if something were pressing against my lungs and squeezing the breath from them. I became dizzy, and had a horrible headache, and I only began to feel better after it was over and I could see the light once more.
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Reply #683. Jun 11 12, 8:31 PM
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| Jazmee27
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Part of me recognizes that a fear of the dark is irrational. I can’t see well; such a phobia makes no sense. And yet, there it is.
I think of all the times I’ve had to walk into the house—or apartment—after the sun’s gone down. Of course, part of the terror I feel then is due to the stories I’ve heard about crimes being committed at that time. It’s the main reason I don’t like the city at night, and feel safe only once I’m behind a locked door. But another part is the fear of the dark, that somewhat irrational fear.
And now, to define why I say “somewhat”. It’s because there’s a spiritual component: There have been times I can feel the battle between Light and Dark swirling around me, and at those times I can see the physical manifestations of such Light or Darkness. And, of course, the stories I write are connected to this sense, as well are the things I read. Everything combined mixes up to create… For once, words fail me, and I’m unable to finish my thought. It’s just so complex that no amount of written or spoken language gives clarity to it, much like the concepts of physics I seem to have grasped within the past year.
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Reply #684. Jun 11 12, 8:33 PM
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| Jazmee27
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It’s unacceptable, I know; at least, that’s what part of me says. Certainly it sums up Mom’s opinion of the whole sordid affair. “If only you’d listened to me…” But logic dictates that things may not have been so different even then…
See, it’s like this: for a week or so last month, I’d try to call my caseworker from Lebanon County Assistance, and not get anywher3e because the phone rang and rang without going to voice-mail or anything. In fact, more times than one I checked the number to be sure it was the right one, only to be frustrated by the same unsatisfying result. And then, one day, she happened to call me—but I was out, downstairs in that meeting about the “emergency fire drill” and what it meant, and having to listen to all the changes being proposed for the building, and not realizing until later that I got a call because my cell phone didn’t tell me I had a message and I only checked to see if I had one around 4:30. And so I was forced to wait unti,l the next day, when I finally got ahold of the woman.
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Reply #685. Jun 11 12, 8:34 PM
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| Jazmee27
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SO MUCH FOR THINKING IT WAS LATE COMING TO ME THIS YEAR
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It was then that I learned that the form I’d had Mom help me out with, the one to renew my Medical Assistance benefits, hadn’t gone through. Later, I learned Mom no longer had the paper with the Website, having figured we were done with it and so having shredded it. So, another call to LCA to request either a new form be sent to me, or the address of the site. “It doesn’t matter to me one way or another.” But apparently it did, since when I only asked for a copy of the packet, Mom got mad at me.
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Reply #686. Jun 11 12, 8:37 PM
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| Jazmee27
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Unfortunately, by the time I learned about this, it was already June 30 and the end of the month; the application was due at the beginning of the month. And there was another factor in all this: the Fourth of July weekend was approaching, which meant people were taking off from work. And maybe I forgot to call on Wednesday; but I did on Thursday, two times. The first call I was informed she was in a meeting, and later she went home—around one or two in the afternoon! I didn’t call Friday, but it wouldn’t have mattered as she wasn’t in.
Monday, I called and asked if she’d gotten my message. Yes, and a new information packet was in the mail, and my address had been updated. Unfortunately, she’d also sent a notice that my account was closed. “I don’t want you to panic when you get it… We can always open it again, if you fill it out in a timely manner.”
The app was estimated to arrive on Thursday; Wednesday, Mom took it home with her. And the next day, she called me so it could be filled out, as it was just the paper. No Website.
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Reply #687. Jun 11 12, 8:37 PM
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| Jazmee27
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So why did I hesitate when Mom told me to ask for the site? Right or wrong, I felt that maybe we couldn’t fill it out online again since it was late.
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Reply #688. Jun 11 12, 8:38 PM
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| Jazmee27
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I waas watching videos, or listening to them—which is the same thing—when I stumbled upon this site devoted to stress management. “Lots of useful info to be had,” I thought, and so I began skimming through…
After reading about “oxidative stress,” I began a blog post entitled “four types of stress,” or something very like it. And just what are these four: why, “chronic stress,” defined as “long-lasting or recurrent or characterized by long suffering;” “acute stress,” which means “having or experiencing a rapid onset and short but severe course;” “eustress,” or “good stress;” and “distress,” which is great pain, anxiety, or sorrow; acute physical or mental suffering; affliction; trouble.”
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Reply #689. Jun 11 12, 8:39 PM
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| Jazmee27
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The article then goes on to outline how “chronic eustress” is “the very best of the types of stress out there,” followed by “chronic eustress” and “acute “distress”. What? Did I read that right? “No fun but not terribly dangerous”?
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Reply #690. Jun 11 12, 8:40 PM
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| Jazmee27
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One of the many links that caught my attention was “stress jokes”. Here are those I consider best among them:
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Reply #691. Jun 11 12, 8:42 PM
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| Jazmee27
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- “I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 28 years.”
- “Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.”
- “I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.”
- “I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?”
- “You say I’m a witch like it’s a bad thing.”
- “Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.”
- “You! Get off my planet!”
- “Earth is full. Go home.”
- “Is it time for your medication or mine?”
- “I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.”
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Reply #692. Jun 11 12, 8:45 PM
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| Jazmee27
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Who says sarcasm’s overrated? Here are my favorite “stress relief jokes:”
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Reply #693. Jun 11 12, 8:53 PM
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| Jazmee27
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- You are now up to your 37th piggy bank and you are beginning to wonder if this is the best way to be saving money.”
- “You were watching the news last week and were surprised to find out that the Berlin Wall wasn’t there anymore.”
- “You start to vibrate and lose color whenever someone disrupts the status quo within 50 miles of you.”
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Reply #694. Jun 11 12, 8:53 PM
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| Jazmee27
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- “You celebrate the holidays and special days of every religion just to be on the safe side. You have a party twice a week as a result.”
- “At your family reunion, there are 200 people in attendance, and you only know 3 of them.”
- “You have now declared bankruptcy on your third business and want to start another one.”
- “Your car has been stolen so many times that yoou have your own personal parking space at the insurance office.”
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Reply #695. Jun 11 12, 8:55 PM
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| Jazmee27
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- “You wanted to call your kids to the supper table the other day, but couldn’t remember their names.”
- “Your biggest complaint about all the coughing and sputtering is that it makes it more difficult to smoke.”
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Reply #696. Jun 11 12, 8:55 PM
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| Jazmee27
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SHE ALWAYS SPENDS "SISTERS DAY" WITH GRANDMA (WHILE BILL'S AT HIS PICNIC)
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From the moment Janice stepped through the door, my little birdie wouldn’t stop chirping. Both Grandma and I assumed he’d be quiet the closer she got to the cage, but… strike that! “He’s never done that before,” especially if he doesn’t know someone.
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Reply #697. Jun 11 12, 9:13 PM
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| Jazmee27
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Later, after Mom came, and she reinforced my assurances that Ethan wouldn’t bite, Mom got him out. “You don’t have to on my account,” Janice protested, to which Mom explained that he was due to come out, and I chimed In with “overdue.” And that was how Janice got to hold “Little Boy Blue” for a bit.
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Reply #698. Jun 11 12, 9:14 PM
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| Jazmee27
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For some strange reason, after a bit he flew over to the cage, then behind the air conditioner. “Get out of there, it’s too cold for you,” Mom scolded. And after he was no longer at risk of getting a draft, Mom asked if I wanted to hold him. “If he’ll let me,” for sometimes the longer he’s out the more skittish he becomes. But he transferred to my finger, and I brought him close to me because he likes that, and he began kissing my cheek, and rubbing his head against it, and slowly inching closer, and it was the cutest thing I’d ever seen.
Later still, he had to go back in the cage, as Grandma and Janice were ready to leave. But Janice had taken multiple photos of Ethan, including some of him on my shoulder, and she promised to see that I got some. And it was even later that Ethan got a bath, as he was screeching and picking at himself.
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Reply #699. Jun 11 12, 9:15 PM
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| Jazmee27
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I ordered groceries, but there are no chicken dinners as there's no chicken
I'm currently reading a book called "The Woman I Was Meant to Be"
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Reply #700. Jun 12 12, 12:33 PM
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