Chimpy's Thoughts

A young boy named Sora pelted downward as the mysterious Kingdom Hearts theme music (“Simple and Clean”) played in the background deafeningly. His eyes were closed as his body, head first, was thrown out of the clouds toward the blue ocean beneath him. He came closer and closer to the giant mass of water, until…

Sora opens one eye and examines his surroundings. Frightened by his current situation, he opens his other and frantically looks around for help. That’s when he notices the camera shooting his every movement. In other words: The camera that made this compilation possible. The camera that followed Sora’s every movement on his adventure across worlds. The camera that was placed on Sora’s shoulder… Well, the shoulder buttons, that is. (Which, by the way, was a big mistake!) So, now you know how I got all of this information, and soon you will know why I am sharing it with you. Actually, it’s because I have no life, but, hey, no one’s perfect, right?

Anyways, back to the story. Sora notices the camera and panic fills his eyes. He chokes on his words as he screams…

Sora: Hey, I don’t listen to this stuff! I-I swear! Look, it must be my mom’s or something! This is a mistake! I don’t even know what the heck’s going on! You gotta believe-!

Sora never gets to finish his sentence as warm salt water engulfs him. He raises his feet as he nears a platform with some hideous woman painted on it, but the ocean current has other plans as it forces him to stand on it. Sora sighs and takes a deep breath, glad that a plot hole allows him to breathe. Suddenly, a mysterious voice confronts Sora…

???: Hello, adventurer! Welcome to Kingdom Hearts! Kingdom Hearts is a delightful world of fun and excitement!

Sora: Can we just get on with this?

???: You DO want this to be a delightful world of fun and excitement, don’t you?

Sora: Yeah, I guess…

???: *Angrily* Then don’t ever interrupt me again!!!

Sora: Ok, Ok!

???: Now, tap the left analog stick slowly in one direction to walk that way. Push it harder to run. Sora, walk forward to the center of the platform. Can you do it?

Sora: Umm, do you think I’m some kind of retard? I’ve been walking for fourteen years, man! Fourteen years! *Sora puts 8 fingers out in front of him*

???: *Annoyed* Umm..ok. Well, just walk forward so we can continue, please.

Sora: Ok. *walks forward*

???: Stop! No, no, wait! Stop!!!

Sora continues to the edge, but is saved by the invisible wall.

Sora: Hehe, I told you I know what I’m doing!

???: No you didn’t.

Sora: Soooo. Obviously I know so much more than you about video games and invisible walls.

???: *Sarcastically* It would seem so, Sora. It would seem so.

Sora: …

???: Anyways, on to the training! In a few moments a mysterious and fragile looking staircase will appear. Do not be alarmed! You must climb this set of stairs as soon as possible.

Sora: Why?

???: Because if you wait too long it might collapse.

Sora: …

Sora: Oh, that’s reassuring.

???: Yes, indeed.

The staircase appears and Sora just stands there for a moment. He then struts over to the staircase, which is really just a winding set of glass steps. Finally he reaches the top, where yet another platform with a repulsive woman on it appears. Three pedestals are in the center. Floating above each is a weapon; a sword, a shield, and a staff shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head.

???: Ok. Pick the weapon that you desire.

Sora: OK. *Sora grabs the sword and the shield* I might as well take this, too. *He reaches for the staff*

???: Fool! This is not a buffet! You pick ONE!

Sora: Well, the sword is too standard. There’s a sword in EVERY video game.

???: Spyro?

Sora: Don’t patronize me.

???: I never would have guessed that YOU of all people had an extensive vocabulary!

Sora: You’re welcome.

???: …Anyways….go on.

Sora: Oh, right! Therefore, I’m not going to pick the sword

???: And now the moment we have all been anticipating: WHICH ARE YOU GOING TO CHOOSE?

Sora: Good question. Well, the staff is kind of lame looking, and I don’t think that I would be able to kill stuff with a shield…

???: Who said anything about killing stuff?

Sora: I just assumed.

???: Your assumptions suck.

Sora: I’m cool with that. Oh, whatever, I’ll pick the sword!

???: Good choice.

Sora: Really?

???: No.

???: So what are you going to give up?

Sora: What!?!? I have to give something up?

???: Yes.

Sora: But…but that means it’ll go away forever. And- and I’ll have to say bye-bye to the cute little staff…

???: So you’re saying you don’t want the staff?

Sora: No.

???: Then the shield?

Sora: Look, loser! I’m lost and I don’t know where I am and you know what? I have no idea what to give up! Can I phone a friend or something?

???: Most certainly.

Sora smiles when he hears the ringing of a telephone, just like on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’. A raspy voice picks up on the other end.

Raspy Voice: Hello?

Sora: Who’s this?

Raspy Voice: The name’s Cricket. Jiminy Cricket. Whadd’ya want?

Sora: Should I give up the shield or the staff?

Jiminy Cricket: Forget about it. I mean, does it really matter? You’re just dreaming, right?

Sora: How the heck do you know?

Jiminy: Well, if this is an RPG and there are so many plot holes, than I’ll be darned if it’s not a dream. Do ‘ya really think they’d just let you breathe underwater without an explanation?

Sora: They let Tidus and Wakka breathe underwater in Final Fantasy X. I’d know, they’re my friends and they tell me stuff like that all the time. Aren’t Fun Facts fun?

???: *Sarcastically* He’s a video game genius, Jiminy. He knows what he’s talking about. Goodbye!

Sora: Hey wait!

???: Which are you giving up, fool? Do you really think I won’t kill you if you don’t make up your mind?

Sora: I did…up until you just yelled at me like that. How do you think you would kill me?

???: That’s it, you’re giving up the staff!

The staff disappears and the pedestal goes into the floor. The sword’s pedestal also disappears, leaving the sword floating in mid-air.

Sora: Nooooooooo! Stafy-Poo!!!!!

Sora runs slowly to the empty space that used to be the staff’s pedestal. After a few moments of respect, he grabs the floating sword to make up for his loss.

???: You can’t use magic yet anyway.

Sora: So! It was cute!

???: Right…. Let me explain to you the Command Menu. The first command is Attack. The next is Magic, which you can’t use yet-

Sora: Why?

???: *Annoyed* I don’t know. But the next command is Items, and the next one is for “Special Commands” such as-

Sora: Ewwwwwww!

???: …

Sora: Ewwwwwwwww.

???: Are you done y-

Sora: Ewwwwwww.

???: Are you done yet?

Sora: …

???: ….commands such as “Open” and, uh…that’s basically it. You-you really only use it for opening chests and-

Sora: Ewwwwwwww.

???: …and doors, you immature monkey.

Sora: *Mocking* You immature monkey.

A large barrel falls from the sky and lands on Sora’s head. It bursts open and Sora falls onto the ground.

???: You were supposed to destroy that with your sword, but I thought I might find it more amusing to see an immature monkey get pegged in the head with a barrel. He. Hehe.

A potion that was inside the barrel pops out. Sora screams as it comes toward him.

Sora: Ahh! Get away!

Sora runs around and around the platform, the item trailing behind him.

Sora: Get it off, get it off me! And I don’t even have Treasure Magnet equipped!

???: Oh, you big baby, it won’t hurt you! It’s just trying to…give itself to you.

Sora: Ewwwwww!

???: God, help me.

TO BE CONTINUED...