Well, here I am on the day before New Year.

First off, I'll be all alone when the fireworks start exploding. My family doesn't give a damn (for want of a better term) about me these days. My guardian, Joana Montebon-Jumalon (Aunt) is now spending her first Christmas and New Year with her in-laws. Didn't even bring me along. She's supposed to be my guardian, for Pete's sake. Why is she leaving me all alone with my grandfather, who has been caught in the act of asking our household help to go with him to bed numerous times?? He's way over sixty, by the way.

And the household help. They've gone home for  the New Year. I don't know when they'll be back. I know they'll be back, but... when?? I don't mind not having them around to clean up the house, mind you. I can clean up after myself. It's just that I don't like talking to Daddylolo(Grandpa). The only subjects would be: how I'm feeling now that daddy is dead/mommy is staying in the US for longer than expected, when would I be going to join mommy, and how rotten the Philippines is compared to America.

I feel angry and frustrated everytime we touch the last one. I love my country. Sure it's not as good as America, heck, we've got one stupid government right now, even, but... But how can he hate it so much? Maybe because he's never been to the rural areas and seen the sincerity of the people who work everyday to make ends meet. He never saw my cousins, some about six/seven years old, walk an impossible distance from their house in the mountains to the school in the Poblacion and still smile like it was no big deal. Lord I was panting before we ever reached the Poblacion when I tried walking with them once.  I can only imagine how these little children can possibly do to help the Philippines. All of them are raised to till the land riding a buffalo, and when they get to school they earn themselves such big grades in Math and Sibika at Kultura (civics and culture).

And everytime... he always says he loves America and he'll never find the heart to even like his country, because it's full of corruption and evil. I don't get it. Why won't he open his eyes to the wonder that is our ability to see the good in every bad situation? We always end up shouting at each other once we discuss this topic.

After the New Year, I've got another problem. Mom's going to be spending two years in the US, and she wants me to join her. I've got an online friend who lives there and he asked me why I was going, and why I was reluctant to go. Here was our conversation:

Me: yesh indeed. >.> I hate to think of it, but I'm going to the US at about the same time you're leaving for Canada, Naru. I hate thinking about it. I really do.

Morsmaestro:

O_O WHAT?! NEED MOAR DETAILS NAO!

Me:

Mom's gonna stay there for longer than expected. I'm supposed to stay there for like the whole summer vacation. And then I'll have to make a decision at the end of it.

I'm sure everyone there's gonna hold me back by saying things like, "Your father's family is there, and they hate your mommy. They want to poison your mind against her."

I know that they hate mom, but they never even tried to contact me, directly at least. They never even asked me to go with them to Bohol on dad's forty days of being dead, which, coincidentally, was my birthday. V_V And I really wanted to go. Only mom was against it.

Next thing they'd say would be, "Your dad was murdered. How can we be sure you won't be dead next?"

Hey, I wasn't teh one who got cheated last elections when I was running for provincial board (I didn't even run for provincial board!). I wasn't the one who was shot in the head because I pushed for justice. Dad may have been a bastard in terms of family, but he had been a good leader and supporter of the oppressed people in his place.

And if I do decide to stay with mom, that won't be the end of it. They'll praise me for making the right decision and et cetera. How can they be so sure? How can they be sure that my relatives on dad's side don't just want to spend time with me (it's been more than four years since I had last seen all of them)? Their minds are so biased to mom's side of the story because they never saw my grandmother crying when she saw me again last June when I went to dad's funeral. They never felt what I felt when my cousins tried to entertain me to loosen me up when I told them I never felt anything for dad, only for the people he left.

I'm happy here in the Philippines. There would only be pressure if I stay in America. I'm still (cheesy, I know, but there's no better word for it) torn between wanting to escape everything I've been through and staying with all the things that helped me get through them. I need much more time than two months to think this over.


As if I can say anything like this to them, though.






















There Mors, you asked for it. >.>

And that's why my New Year'll definitely suck. T_T