The hearing wrapped up yesterday.  On Wednesday, I had a complete meltdowon on his barrrister.  They called me at lunch time and wanted me to testify at 7 AM my time the next morning.  I told them again, that's impossible as I'm on my way to work. I can't miss work for this and they know that.  So, they asked me to do it at 8 AM, that's cutting it very close as I just start work at 8.  This week has been hectic, we have a guy out and some parts we're trying to track down and a million of those other little things that we really need to do most of which require a phone.  We only have one phone line and that makes it difficult.  So, they asked me for an hour at 9 AM, I said an hour is out of the question. I still didn't want to testify at all considering I have no idea how their system works in terms of my rights and what I should and shouldn't do.  I mean, besides the obvious things.  I know his barrister was just doing his job, but some of his suggestions were just ridiculous and I got very frustrated because he was assuming I could do things I couldn't.  And, my boss was out and I couldn't get permission.  The whole "you have to testify, wait no you don't, yes you do, no you don't" game had worn on me by this point.  It's still wearing on me now and the hearing is over.  Long and short of it, I didn't have to. 

Here's where I get frustrated.  I understand this is the real world and a TV show were decisions are made in a half hour or less.  But, it's going to take the judge one to two weeks to give his judgement.  Now, here's what I don't understand having not studied law.  He said he could give his decision yesterday and they'd have to wait for the official decision to come down or they could wait.  My love chose to wait for a pretty good reason.  If the judge said no, he wants to know why right away so he can file an appeal.  I can't blame him.  Hearing no then waiting a week or two to find out why would be devistating for both of us.  But, I still don't want to wait.  We have to, but it's just as stressful and just as upsetting to have to wait such a long time. It's like our lives just can't move on. We're constantly waiting for something.  I've been told that there's nothing her legal people can do in the meantime which is good news. I"m always waiting for the next silly thing.  One thing the judge did say was that he wanted a mirror order filed with my state.  We think that means he's going to say yes, since a mirror order would most likely be a moot point if he said no.  But, I don't know, I've never studied law outside of intro courses which don't cover such things.

I talked to him this morning.  He sounds so tired.  I feel so bad for him.  Last night,  I had one of my episodes of sleep apnea which only occur when I'm under severe stress.  I thought last night's episode might be the last one as it felt like I couldn't breathe for well over 5 minutes.  I know it couldn't have been that long, but it felt like forever.  All I remember is thinking of him and who would tell him if something truly awful happened to me.   Now, I feel selfish because I desperately need to talk to him later tonight.  There's so much going on that I need his opinion on, but I hate to keep him up when he's clearly beat.  I don't know what to do. 

On a happier note, I got an email from his dad yesterday.  That's the first time his dad has ever talked to me and it made me feel much better.   If I could just shake this cold terror and the sleep apena and insomnia that are coming along with it, I'd feel at least partly human again. 

I've made up my mind about one thing.  If we get to have a wedding, nobody is giving me away.  I'm not being given to this man, I'm coming to him because I want to.  We've fought hard for this and I'm not being handed over to him, I'm going to him of my own free will.