End of week round-up
Odd cousin
My cousin was born in York but his parents brought him to London when he was about 20. Forty years on, he and his wife have moved back up north, and I sent them a happy new home card, which I signed Lesley and Jonathan. He phoned up and chatted for a few minutes. Eventually he asked "Did you send a card?"
Yes, I did.
"We couldn't work out who it was from. We thought one of the names was Jonathan and (my wife) has a relative called Jonathan, but we couldn't work out what the other name was. So it was you?"
Yes, what did it look like?
"Nothing on earth!"
There's nothing like a gracious thank you, is there? I asked my brother how my writing was good enough for the post office but not them, and he had an answer: "Because the post office aren't illiterate."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poorly niece
My niece had a chemo line inserted on Monday, and her first dose of chemotherapy on Wednesday. She crawled home, exhausted and sick, and isn't answering the phone. Nobody in the house is picking up the phone. Her slightly younger sister, who is one of the most capable and calmest people I know, has some contact, and I am treating her as an information hub.
My SIL is phoning everyone and shouting at them because her daughter isn't answering the phone, or returning her texts, and she's worried because her daughter is feeling so ill. She rang me up at half past ten in the evening, with a borderline teary voice, complaining about everyone and everything, without knowing the full story behind anything. I managed to convince her that feeling tired and sick after chemo is normal, and that her daughter needs a complete absence of pressure. I didn't say I can't blame her for not answering the phone if she's going to get shouted at.
SIL wanted me to send a text and see if I got an answer. I didn't, because I thought it was intrusive and unnecessary and, as I don't normally send her texts, would probably come across as more pressure. I've sent a pretty card she can read, smile at (I hope), and put away without feeling that she has to respond. I put on my best stern voice and told my SIL to send text messages without including a request for an answer: to allow her second daughter to be an information hub: and to trust her family and medical people to look after her. Everyone feels bad that my SIL hasn't been able to talk to her daughter, but everyone understands why.
"This too shall pass." (Rowena's favourite expression)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Me and my
cardiologist
When my breathing went silly in April, Jonathan said it was a perfect match for descriptions of asthma. My GP said you need to wheeze quite a lot more before we start thinking that it might be asthma. He prescribed antibiotics, which didn't work.
He spoke most disparagingly of the inhalers his locum had prescribed for me. "Inhalers will help anyone to some extent." (Don't knock it - they're helping me!) He seems to have made his mind up that I have congestive heart failure, and who better to back him up than a cardiologist?
So this morning I had an echocardiogram and an electrocardiogram, and then went to see the consultant. He said that my heart was healthy, my replacement valve had been well maintained, and he was discharging me. I definitely haven't got heart disease. (Phew.) He thinks I've got asthma. Actually, having passed me earlier and heard me coughing, he is convinced I've got asthma. My next GP appointment is going to be great fun.
He did ask if I would come back, as an examination aid. He is the chief examiner for a load of doctors who want to become consultants, and he wants to see if they can identify and explain my scar - "because they won't be much use as consultants if they can't!" He's also thinking of giving me roles to play, like pretending I have chest pain, and seeing who knows what they're doing. Hmmm.
My reward will be in heaven or in cake; he says his wife makes wonderful cakes.
Jonathan laughed his head off when I told him what had happened. "What did I tell you last April?" Wonder if my GP will laugh as much.
Edited to add:
My mother had asthma, and so did her sister - so perhaps this is just one more thing that's written into my genes and I can't escape.
22 Comments:
It must be a real relief to know that your problem isn't heart related. Take care. .
By honeybee4, Oct 16 09 7:52 PM
I am so relieved to hear your heart is okay! And you are doing exactly the right thing for your niece - hopefully the rest of the family can follow your example and let her recuperate from chemo in peace.
By bionic4ever, Oct 16 09 8:11 PM
Thanks, Judy, it's a huge relief. My GP was going on about heart so much I was starting to believe him, and to get worried. Next time I see him, I promise to be very gentle. :)
By lesley153, Oct 16 09 8:13 PM
And thank you Beth - we were writing at the same time. I think the problem is just with my SIL, who doesn't seem to realise that chemo isn't like an injection - five minutes with your feet up and you're back to normal: and she doesn't seem to know how to do empathy. Bit late to learn too - shame.
By lesley153, Oct 16 09 8:16 PM
Crikey, I attract the strange and unusual and you attract the hard of thinking. How asthma and heart disease can be confused is only known by your GP as the venn diagram has a very small overlap (did you see my library of medical books here?). Having had a hobby of diagnosing my grandma's friends for many years, usually well before their doctors, as well as the medical dramas from the 70s onwards it is not a particularly difficult task given the symptoms and the very simple diagrams in every medical book.
The difference between readers and doctors is the good doctors can tell the disorder by observation before even hearing most of the symptoms. That is the highest level and one few seem to have reached. Great relief they have finally gone for the much lesser of the two options.
By satguru, Oct 16 09 9:00 PM
I didn't realize CHF was even a consideration! Thank God it isn't that!
Asthma has a lot of different symptoms, and I guess you can develop it at any time...I've always thought the diagnosis came earlier in life, however. You are not a smoker, right?
My doctor said "Asthma" the first time, when I was 5 or 6. He told my parents to get rid of all feather pillows, stuffed animals, dust, and installed a 'Puretron' thing that sat on a shelf, and was turned on at bedtime. I've used an inhaler off and on, most of my life, with a few emergency visits to the hospital.
Be calm, do what feels right, and I have decided...You're good to go! Listen to J. He's a smart kid!
By veronikkamarrz, Oct 16 09 10:33 PM
Good news that its not heart problems Lesley, Any info on Asthma ask me as it has crippled me for the last 25 years now, is marvelous really from the age of 3 to 11 i suffered with it then it seemed to go, came back in the early 80's with a vengance. Best thing to do is Chill as much as possible do not get to stressed like i do.
Hope niece will be ok and as has already been said listen to J he's a bright lad
By Professer, Oct 17 09 2:26 AM
David, I thought there was a theme in these three sections, and you just put a finger on it - my cousin, my SIL, and now GP, all can't think outside their own little bubble. My GP thinks he's Dr Finlay, but he doesn't take my blood pressure, or look at my nails, or get me to stick my tongue out. His locum used a stethoscope to listen to my breathing, and the only person who has ever given me a peak flow thingy was the haematologist! And yes, I think I can cope with asthma better than I could cope with CHF.
VM, I was, I'm afraid, but I haven't had a cigarette since 1996. That's sad, having to lose your cuddly toys. I have always listened to J, and trusted his judgment - it's scary!
Thanks, Gary, so am I! I'm sorry yours has been so bad, and I shall try to chill, but I'm not very good at it.
Jonathan - I'm keeping you!
By lesley153, Oct 17 09 9:54 AM
Its wonderful that your heart is in good shape. Your heart is what makes this place so much fun. Hugs to you.
By garrysouders, Oct 18 09 6:00 AM
You've made it flutter now, Garry. [grin]
Hugs to you too.
By lesley153, Oct 18 09 6:58 AM
Thanks for the updates. It is good you have answers about your heart.
I hope your niece improves daily.
As for the "unreadable" card....
By Deunan, Oct 18 09 11:45 AM
Thanks, Deunan. [smile]
Almost every time I speak to my cousin, he observes that I am the only one of the cousins who still speaks to him.
My brother and his wife tried not to for years, but finally washed their hands of him when he unplugged his father's life support. When he announced his intention to do so, he had been recommended to: by his step-brother, a psychiatrist, who probably had half an eye on his inheritance; and a hospital doctor, who was probably short of beds. My SIL said
"But you'll be killing him!" and my cousin said
"No, I won't. It's not like that. You don't understand."
Stalemate.
And the other two, my aunt's sons, are terribly special people, who are very discerning about who they talk to! I once rang the older one on his birthday, and his wife asked me if it was urgent, because he was very busy - could she take a message?
Yes, you can sing to him for me.
"Oh I see. In that case, I'll put you through."
That was the last time I tried to phone him. Aren't families a joy?
By lesley153, Oct 18 09 12:47 PM
oh you should definitely become one of those role-playing patients. I recently saw a couple of them when I was doing some spirometry training last month. They were great fun to play with and one of them fooled us all! But that's what they're there for, to weed out some of the mistakes we'll make :)
Hope your niece can continue to be strong.
By nasty_liar, Oct 18 09 5:20 PM
Yes families certainly Can be a Joy - most of all when they are Special! *rolls eyes*
So pleased to hear that Jonathon was right! Hugsss.
Maybe you should retain him instead of your GP - might save you additional aggravation! ;)
What a scarey GP you have. Dr Finlay? At least if he thought he was Dr Kildare it would give you something good to look At! lol
I hope your niece continues to not answer her phone or take messages so she can concentrate on recovering! :)
I often wonder what family life would be like without all the little extra In-Law egos. Probably run along Very Nicely and we'd all become very bored! ;P
Go for the role playing - and maybe you can get some of your own back! :D
By MarchHare007, Oct 18 09 6:21 PM
NL I haven't done Am Dram since I was 16 and I can't wait!
I wish my niece were strong enough to tell her children what's wrong - or at least to admit that she's going to take months to get better. She's played it right down so the children think she's got a headache and a stubbed toe, and can't understand why their endlessly energetic mother can't move.
I had a lovely long chat/rant with her calm sister this evening, and we think she's adopted my brother's attitude to family communication: for instance, he told the children that ("oh by the way") my husband had died, a week after his funeral. He brought one of his sons, who was 17 then, to the funeral, and I can't understand how the rest of the family didn't know. Bizarre.
By lesley153, Oct 18 09 7:03 PM
MH I had to stop the eye rollage before my eyes got stuck. Yes, I am definitely keeping My Son the Not Doctor!
My niece has gone one better and unplugged the phone. Occasionally she looks at it and sees 26 missed calls, but she ignores it. She also got six birthday texts from her mother, all together, at midnight. I think she's ignored them too.
After the conversation with my SIL, my cousin rang my brother. English isn't my SIL's first language, but she's been here since 1976. My cousin said "he didn't want to cause trouble" (hah!) but he thinks bro's wife might not have understood him very well. She said I'd be killing Dad. And my bro said she understands perfectly well - and you would. I've offered him our cousin's new address oop north, and my bro never seems to have a pencil on him.
Ooh - revenge sounds interesting - where do I start?
By lesley153, Oct 18 09 7:04 PM
As far as asthma being genetic - it does happen but controlling it is easier now and a large part of that - besides medication - is being aware of your 'triggers'!
Sounds like your niece hasn't really accepted her illness, Lesley. That would make it hard to say anything to her kids - but some one should prepare them for coping with a sick Mum!
Unless she someone who just doesn't cover 'those sorts of things' with her children.
Maybe your cousin should have little 'new address / moved house' cards printed out for All The Family to share! :p
By MarchHare007, Oct 18 09 9:02 PM
It would be hard to accept it at the best of times, harder at 31. I think she's adopted my brother's attitude to communication, and my mother's over-reliance on euphemisms, or perhaps she "doesn't want to worry" the children, and doesn't realise that that they're ten times more worried because what they know doesn't fit with what they see.
She thinks the children, the oldest is ten, are too young to understand. I think that's nonsense. You tailor your words to the child's age and understanding. My second niece, the Information Hub, is frustrated because she's been sworn to secrecy, and she really wants to tell them something to put their minds at rest. At the very least, tell them to stop jumping on mummy because she's still mending and sore from the op. A two-year-old can understand the concept of repair and healing and soreness. (Mine did!) She's given her own children the age-tailored version, and they are satisfied with it.
One person I haven't told is my cousin. When my mother was ill, he marched into the hospital, spotted me and shouted:
"Lesley, hiya, what's the prognosis?" My brother took his three oldest, all aged around 15, to visit her in the hospital, and they could see that she was ill, but not how ill, and he didn't tell them. They found out at the funeral. I give up.
By lesley153, Oct 19 09 6:31 AM
I have been on the 'euphemism line' and I know how angry I was! I was 10 and my very loved uncle was 'not well' - he used to walk around the garden with me and taught me about his lovely flowering cactii and his philosophies about everything - the philosophies I didn't understand till later. At the time it was just lovely spending time and chatting.
I thought he was going to die (although it was still a secret!) and asked my aunt if he would have to go back to hospital to die or could he stay at home.
My uncle was abused for telling me the Wrong Thing! He hadn't said a word.
Later years with other relatives similar things happened until I was considered Grown Up Enough To Cope!
By the time My children were 6 and 10 they had lost 3 grandparents and an aunt and uncle, and The Child Sloth had a school friend drown - I made sure they were included - not because of my experiences but because they should be able to speak about illness or death. Kids are curious and have questions, which need simple but honest answers.
lol From the time they were both Very Small we had regular burials for any animals that had died - from an earthworm upwards.
My mother thought this Very Strange!
I look back on what both my kids handled emotionally over their years - losses I would not have wanted for them so young - they understand differently but if Adults don't handle problems or losses, children Can't and then no one can be supportive.
It's an amazing affect, a hug from a small child when an adult is grieving - and it just seems to tilt the world back again. :)
By MarchHare007, Oct 19 09 5:37 PM
Poor uncle!
So - what is considered old enough to cope?
When my mother was dying, my brother's oldest were 18, 17 and 15. He told them she was ill. He didn't tell them she wasn't going to get better.
When my FIL died, his youngest was 15. Nobody told her that her father had died; she found out when she heard her mother telling someone over the phone. She wasn't allowed to go to the funeral, and she was forbidden to mention him ever again. She was speechless when she compared her experience with Jonathan's.
Jonathan was ten when his father died. We talked about whether we should have a funeral or cremation. I hadn't given it much thought but he immediately looked so stricken at the idea of cremation, and spoke so passionately against it, that there was nothing to discuss. I just said OK and arranged a burial. At the cemetery, he picked up a shovelful of earth and threw it on the coffin.
A couple of people said I shouldn't have taken any notice of what he wanted - I shouldn't even have talked to him about it - he's only a child - it's none of his business. So I stopped telling people about it. But I *had* talked to him about it, and we have both wondered what sort of a relationship we would have now if I had overridden his obvious distress.
A hug from a small child is magic.
By lesley153, Oct 19 09 6:58 PM
"None of His Business"!
Words fail me.......
I watched my SIL and my 4 nieces (aged 3 to 12) and my kids and their cousins Plus the rest of the family and Friends all deal with my BIL very sudden death in a road car crash.
It was horrendous - but at the funeral (a burial) each child was welcome to talk, to sing a favourite song - his sister wrote a poem that included Everyone.
It really brought tears and there was not enough room for everyone in the chapel (nearly 500 people came to say goodbye - Pete touched a Lot of lives) - but it Was Right!
We walked 500 metres from the chapel to the gravesite and All the kids had flowers they'd chosen and when the casket was lowered - with his racing suit, helmet and shoes - they stood around in a circle and threw their flowers in with him.
My Pet Nerd and some cousins had to have a closer look and crawled to the grave edge to peer down!
Which caused Quite a few adults to comment upon how strange 'some' parents were to allow their children to 'go through all That!'
Grrrr
As small as they are - they all have their own feelings with illness and death and no adult has the right to chose for them when or if they deal with it! lol Rant over....
You made a perfect choice - the only one you could have at the time, because you're you - and it would never have been different. :)
By MarchHare007, Oct 22 09 6:37 PM
"None of His Business"!
Words failed me too - and you can imagine that doesn't happen very often.
One thing I have learnt, as I've pretended to grow up, is that every single thing you say is an invitation to other people to find fault with it. You may not intend it to be, but the rest of the world will certainly see it as the perfect opportunity to tell you what you did wrong.
To me, it makes perfect sense for Pete's children to have - be given - the opportunity to see him off. The job of the non-mourners who attend is to provide a solid wall of humanity and comfort to help the mourners get through the horror of their loss. It is not to comment negatively.
People who take it upon themselves to disapprove can just go and boil their heads. (Auntie Lesley has spoke.)
Thank you for your moral support. The other choice was telling my son that his feelings didn't matter, and that was never going to happen.
By lesley153, Oct 22 09 10:05 PM