The Oddball Archives

(The following was overheard New Year’s Day, 2009)

 

How are the mozzarella sticks?

Good, Mom. Can I have some chicken sticks, too?

In a minute…let your brother have his share.

Aw, do I have to? Daddy gets to eat all the fried mushrooms.

That’s because no one else likes fried mushrooms, including you.

Oh, yeah.

Daddy eats fungus!

(giggle)

Hey…a lot of fungus can be very nutritious.

Yeah, but they also grow on dead things, so you’re eating the dead things, too.

(Abruptly drops mushroom) Well, that’s it for me.

Honey, if you think about it, everything on this table is dead…the chicken used to have feathers, legs and a beak.

Yeah, and your pork chops were attached to something that weighed nearly a ton.

Madame, please…

Sorry.

…but that’s what food is, basically…something that used to be living, but is now used to make us stronger. Lots of plants are good food if you’d try them.

I like corn-on-the-cob.

Good!

I like baked squash.

I do, too.

I like pinto beans and ketchup.

Yuck.

No, it isn’t. I also like cauliflower and Brussels sprouts with cheese or butter.

Gross!

It’s not gross. It tastes great. Black-eyed peas are good, too.

You eat those on New Year’s Day for good luck.

Yes. You can also eat lettuce, cabbage, collard greens, noodles, lentils or fish.

Why do they bring good luck?

Because the lentils look like coins, all the green stuff is the color of money and the fish moves forward, so they all mean good fortune in the coming year.

What about the black-eyed peas?

Because if you don’t eat them, someone’ll give you a black eye.

Mom!!!

That’s not what that means.

It’s a southern thing…I really don’t know how that started.

But you eat enough of them, right?

That’s only because no one else here likes them.

We eat them, too.

No you don’t. You take one bite of one pea and you give me the rest.

Isn’t that enough? Do I have to eat them all?

How about a pea for every day of the year?

I would throw up.

Sir, please…

Sorry...

Why don’t you eat more?

Because they suck.

HEY! No language at the table.

Sorry, Mom.

I’ve heard worse from older kids.

I know, but you’re not older.

Can’t I use the word every once in a while?

No.

Please?

Why don’t you use ‘whomps’ like they do on the cartoon, ‘Recess’?

Dad, I quit watching that show years ago.

More like YEAR ago.

It’s a baby word.

Can I use the ‘C’ word?

Absolutely not! Where did you hear that?!?

Honey, I think she means ‘crap’.

Oh.

What’s wrong with ‘poop’?

It’s not as grown up as…the ‘C’ word.

I don’t think I want to hear this conversation.

Neither do we…

Sorry.

Mom, they’re not ‘bad’ cuss words. We hear them every day.

That doesn’t make it right in mixed company.

What about just around you?

What do you mean?

If I only say cra…the ‘c’ and the ‘s’ word around you and Dad.

I have to agree, hon. They are too old for baby words.

I don’t want someone like a teacher calling us at home about our kids.

If it’s the case of them learning them sooner or later, why not learn them from he people

you trust most…US? We’ll teach them when and where it would be appropriate.

Please, Mom?

Look…she may be old enough, but he’s not.

He’ll feel left out if we don’t…and he’s not that much younger.

Do you know what you’re asking me?

Yes…to let the kids know what they say before they say it…and use it in the proper context.

Food’s here!

Let me think about it, okay?

Okay.

What did you get?

I got baked Cajun catfish and collard greens and black-eyed peas.

Hedging your bets are you, dear?

A little insurance never hurts.

What’s that smell?!?

That would be the greens.

Ew, that su…um…Mom, please lemme say it!!!

No! The last time we let you use a word like that it quickly became every other word in

your vocabulary. You were starting to sound like a cross between Bart Simpson and Sam Kinison.

Bart and who?

Never mind.

(dejected) Okay, I’m sorry.

Okay, I’ll tell you what…you can say it once a day, but only around me and you father.

What about the ‘c’ word?

I think we can do two words a day there.

Dad, that stuff really sucks.

See? Already you’ve used it in the wrong context. You can’t know it sucks without tasting it first.

But it smells like crap.

Okay, now that’s better and it fits, but you’ve already used two of your words for the day.

I’ll trade you two ‘craps’ for a ‘suck’.

NO! I WANNA USE MINE LATER!

SIR, PLEASE!!!

Sorry…

This is not a conversation to have in a public restaurant.

You’re absolutely right. This is the wrong place. Wait till we get home, okay.

So I can start fresh when we get home.

Um…no.

Crap.