Why I don't like America as much as I ought to.
America is not what I expected it to be.
The Land of Plenty, of the Free.
If it is, why is my mother so distant to me now? Why, if it is the land of the plenty, are we living in a tiny apartment, totally sardined with six [seven, if you count the landlady's son who comes here to sleep sometimes when he finds it too hard to go home to Maryland. He's a doctor, see] people for $500+.
I guess it's the standard starting fate of a Filipino who just came here, and I know I'm not supposed to whine but be actually happy about getting the chance that I'm here. That I can go to college here, have a good job here, have a good future ahead of me; I acknowledge that, but I can't help comparing my present situation to the one I had in the Philippines.
I am stuck here inside the apartment. Back at home I can wake up at 11:00am, take a bath at two in the afternoon and then go out at three and come home at three am. Here it's so different. I can still take a bath at three pm, sure that's pretty easy, but I have nowhere to actually GO after my bath. Not only is it excruciatingly boring, guys, but the loads of free time I have actually makes me more miserable! Imagine, please, what a shock it would be to you when you're used to having a life at home, where you can drink yourself silly at night without the fear of having anyone take advantage of you, howl so loudly and yet not be arrested for public disturbance [I think that's how it works out here...?], or just call the subdivision's security guard for a shot of boracay [or chocolate bomb, as it's more commonly called. A mixture of Rhum, a chocolate drink called Milo, coffee, condensed milk, and ice. If you want to get away with explaining to your parents/guardian about why you came home so late, the Boracay'll cover you up when they finally ask you if you've been drinking. You only smell of Carnation condensed milk, haha, and then you explain that Michael and Win-Win, two of my buddies who're great chefs made you some fancy shake or something] so he won't rat on us to the Subdivision's president that we've scrapped the 10 o'clock curfew again.
You get here and you're not even allowed on the streets at night. No sir, not even with your own mother. You tell her you want to go out with her anywhere, just to pass the loneliness away, and she looks at you as if you're mad, and then you remember that the crowd in New York at night is different from the crowd at day. AND YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO SLEEP AT 11:30PM, BECAUSE YOU'RE ON A BUDGET. Holy crap and a half, that's quite a shock to someone who's had a life before, online AND IRL.
The people I'm living with are unbearable as well.
I don't know what's hanging around my head, but I feel like there's a giant sign that says, "I'm hopeless" on my back. God, what is wrong with me? I'm quite able to hold up a conversation decently with my closest, oldest friends, but with OLDER people... I just shrink up. They tell me to do what they think is best for me. What do I care about getting rich if I'm not doing it the way I want to? What do they care if I'm scared of blood? I'll get over it, they say. They keep on comparing me to other people, to how succesful Filipinos are here in the medical field. Why can't they understand that I'm not "just another filipino?" In my opinion, those who have turned to the medical field and abandoned their PhD's or Master's Degrees are those who have lost all hope in America. Why do they want me to think that I'm a hopeless case who can't do what she wants and earn money along the way, even before I've begun trying? It's unfair. It makes me want to gnash my teeth, to cry at them to leave me alone. THEY EVEN GOT MY MOTHER TO TRY TO FORCE ME TO TAKE UP NURSING, DAMMIT! ARGH!! WHAT, IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A CHANCE TO PROVE MYSELF BEFORE I BEGIN TO THINK I'M A HOPELESS ROMANTIC TO ACTUALLY THINK THAT I'D BE SUCCESSFUL DOING WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO SINCE I WAS A KID?! IS IT REALLY TOO MUCH?
Well, that's peer pressure for you. The old Landlady's not talking to me for not listening to her advice. SHE MADE IT HER PERSONAL CRUSADE TO TURN ME INTO A NURSE, YOU SEE. This is also one of the reasons why I want to move out, but since my mother can't afford anything more, I better wait until.. well. Until I get an SSS number and finally get a job to help her out.
It's so stupid here. Everyone's so money-oriented. I miss my friends at home. The good time we used to have, the on-the-spot plannings for our next escapades. I miss the sense of family. I thought I'd be overjoyed that mom and I are reunited again, but the truth is it's just like before, really. Everytime I think about how mom and I are now, and how much I used to brag to my friends that we shared a special bond with each other, and how envious everyone was because of that, I want to cry. Because it's not true. The closest people I have to a family are the GBYC gang. Mom's barely with me, she's only always at work. Right now she's at Brooklyn, she's staying there for four days. We didn't even celebrate her birthday together. We didn't even celebrate AT ALL. I remember one time I was in Ica's house last year. As usual I was bugging her. Then her whole family went up in an uproar... I forgot what it was about, but everyone was laughing, and so was I. When they still kept laughing and I sombered up, I observed them and asked myself, why wasn't my family like this? I kept quiet, too immersed in my thoughts then, until Noy Diego [Ica's father] was in my face still chuckling and telling me that even though they were poor, this was how a family should be. Couldn't argue with him there. I actually envied Ica then. I wished I was her, to have such a jolly family. She noticed, of course, and smiled at me and asked me if I wanted to go out for a bit of fresh air.
Ica wasn't anything related to me, but she understood me better than anyone in my family ever did.
I miss it there. More than I like being here.
10 Comments:
I really don't get the whole thing! I don't know (or care to know) how old you are, but it seems like you should just go to school, come home, do homework, and keep Mom company for the next few years. What is wrong with that? OK, so you don't get to party till all hours...So what? Grow up a little at a time, and be careful!
Good luck, and please go to school!
By veronikkamarrz, Jun 14 09 10:53 PM
It's always hard to leave your friends because your peers are the most important part of your life. When you decide that you will have to entertain yourself and find folks whose interests are the same as yours, life will get better, promise.
By garrysouders, Jun 15 09 9:08 AM
I totally understand the having too much time on your hands issue. When people say it's a good thing, they obviously don't know what it's like to not have anything to do for 8-9 hours a day. Good luck with everything.
By rayven80, Jun 15 09 12:37 PM
@veronikkamarrz
Nah, I'm just feeling a little[okay, a lot] homesick, and the apartment here's making it a bit worse. x_x I used to have my own room. I don't mind not being able to drink or anything, I just miss my gang.. This is the first time ever I've ever been away from them. =/ And we've been together since we were still in diapers.
Just to tell you though, I'm still sixteen. Turning seventeen. >.> Yikes I can't believe I sound so much like a drama queen here, now that I've read it again. :)) I'm really not, I just missed going out and talking a whole lot with friends. And we don't party. o.o We don't have THAT much money.
And yes, I WILL go to school. :P Actually it's the only thing I'm looking forward to here in America, your education system is waaay much better than there in the Philippines, no denying that. :P
Thanks for the advice. :))
@garrysouders
That's my point, the people back at home have the same interests as I do. Which makes me look forward to going home and becoming more and more homesick because of looking forward to go home. Agh. Stupid head. I wish I could graduate soon enough and find a good job right away.
@rayven80
thanks. ^.^ I hope I have good luck. >.>
By cool klutz, Jun 15 09 12:55 PM
come to think of it,,, I always sound like a drama queen in all my blog entries. o.o
By cool klutz, Jun 15 09 12:57 PM
Make the most of the opportunity that you have been given. I am sure there are many girls your age in the Phillipines who would be totally grateful if they had the opportunity that you are enjoying. I have a Phillipino neighbor that supports several people in the phillipines. It really doesn't take a lot of money.
By honeybee4, Jun 15 09 1:17 PM
Good evening, your majesty! :)
Have you talked to your mother about why she seems to be distant? I assume that she saw the move as being beneficial, and she may be struggling as much as you are. She must see that you're unsettled too.
It's not surprising. Moving to a new country must be one of the most difficult and stressful things anyone can do, more so when you're not living as comfortably as you were in the country you've just left.
Write to your old friends, look forward to making new ones, and remember to remind your mother that you're on her side. Good luck. ((((()))))
By lesley153, Jun 15 09 6:42 PM
PS There must be some older people who don't want to plan (live?) your life for you. At least I hope there are. I am an Older Person, and I still have people telling me how to live and what to drive. Can you just smile sweetly and run away when they're not looking?
By lesley153, Jun 15 09 6:47 PM
I was your age when I moved from one country to another. (England to Canada, if it matters...) It's the worst age to do a big move like that. I remember feeling like an alien, the music was different, the kids were different, the things they did were different...even the clothes they wore were different. Those things are important when you're 16, and close with your peers, as garry pointed out. It took me a year to get over the culture shock.
I agree with lesley, keep in touch with your old friends, and you will soon make some new friends. By the way, I must say you sound quite mature for 16. Hang in there, it will get better, I promise!
By MadMags, Jun 16 09 7:57 PM
@honeybee
yesh, there are alot of my friends who either envy me or hate me[because I'm leaving them. >.>],, Don't know why, really. I mean, life IS much better for us filipinos back in the Philippines, we're laidback, family/friends-oriented, and whatever else. But yeah, I can see what you mean too. :) Even though I'm homesick I can see the opportunities here too. :D So, yay for me.
@lesley
yesh, there are people who want me to take up what I want, but most of them... My grandmother, my uncles, my aunt, [even my mom--but she's cutting me some slack now. She probably realized that her forcing me to take up nursing is one of the major factors why I tell her that I want to go home every other day.], the landlady and her son. Some of them, especially the older ones like the landlady and my grandma, really feel bad because I didn't enrol for nursing. =/ I try to be patient when they tell me off, really, but patience is a trait that is quite rare in the family. :P
At least mom and I have come to more or less of an understanding. We both know the bond between us isn't as it was before [though she's not trying to make me take up nursing anymore, she yells at me for not liking new york, wtf. But no biggie though. I can deal with that]. The only thing I'm looking forward to is going back home to cebu and starting our own business. :)) Now THAT's something we both want.
@MadMags
I know it will it get better. :) I just don't see it happening anytime soon, that's all. Hmm.. I have a classmate who moved to Canada when we were high school juniors. =/ She's in Ontario, I think. Is that far from where you are?
And yeah, I get that "You sound quite mature for your age" occasionally. Most of the time people get shocked when I tell them I'm still 16. :)) Their reactions are usually: "Are you sure you're sixteen??/I thought you were 21!"
Quite funny really. :))
By cool klutz, Jun 22 09 8:29 PM