Porn - what's the big freaking deal?
In my downtime at work (I have a lot of it), I have taken to finding ways to amuse myself on the computer, without having access to games and other amusing sites (like FunTrivia!). One such way I have passed the time has been reading different newspapers online, and once I find something I like I usually read the archives as well. In more than one newspaper, I enjoy reading the agony aunt advice columns. Most recently, Ive been reading my way through the Annies Mailbox syndicated advice column which runs in many North American newspapers.
I noticed a recurring theme coming up in some of the newspapers and especially the advice columns is the subject of pornography and married/otherwise committed men who view it. I read a story in The Daily Mail (UK) not too long ago about marriages affected by porn and the wives terribly difficult decision to forgive their husbands or not. The question also comes up a lot in Annies Mailbox, with letters chock full of phrases like utter betrayal, deep pain, how can I stay married to a man who does this?
I just do not understand what the big deal is. Its porn. So what? To me, the women in these pictures, videos, websites, etc. arent a real threat to a marriage. Sure, excessive viewing of pornography can become a problem, just like anything in excess can. Id be angry or hurt as well if I had a husband who threw away good chunks of money on porn (especially when there is so much for free on the Internet!), or who would rather watch some girls on the computer than be with me, or who spends every waking moment watching porn to the extent that he doesnt sleep, stops going to work, never leaves the house, doesnt see friends or family, etc.
But I truly dont think that most men have that kind of problem. For most guys (most I know anyway), its just a pass time. Its something fun. To me, I wouldnt think its a replacement for a healthy marriage, its separate. I suppose its a problem if hes sneaking around or lying about watching it, but he wouldnt feel the need to do that if his wife didnt make such a big deal out of nothing, would he? I mean, if he knows she doesnt like him watching and does so anyway, then thats not being very considerate of her, so fair enough. But I just dont see why she would care so much anyway. (And, just as a note, Im not including men who set up online profiles on sex-finder websites, or meet women online to exchange photos or have cybersex. Im not sure where I place that kind of thing on the betrayal scale but its certainly much more of an issue than a guy who just watches a little porn). I dont see why a wife should care too much about what her husband does when hes home alone, or when she has gone to bed early and he is still up. Except in the case of an addiction, as I described above, how does him watching porn hurt her? I know a lot of women dont really care for porn, but unless hes bugging her to watch with him, whats the harm in him watching by himself? There are women out there who watch it as well, or at least enjoy it with a partner. Why is that okay? If its okay for a man and woman to watch together, why not for him to watch alone if she doesnt like it? Same as him watching football by himself if she doesnt want to watch, in my opinion.
Married people? Thoughts?
10 Comments:
I have no idea what the big deal is! My wife would not be concerned about that in the slightest.
I do know that many people have rather old fashioned views though, as were highlighted in one of the chat board threads about flirting! Each to their own.
By nasty_liar, Sep 16 09 5:16 PM
I think the problem is when the man gets addicted to porn to the point of neglecting his homework. There may be more of these men that are addicted than you think. I watched Dr. Phil and there was a guy that was totally addicted. He was pathetic. I don't think casual porn should be a problem in a marriage, but when it is hidden or addictive, the guy needs help.
By honeybee4, Sep 16 09 5:20 PM
It is a lot like women looking at "male" porn. Some spouses object as they don't like the thought of being compared to an "air brushed, enhanced" photo. Some object as they don't understand why someone would prefer to look at a picture rather look at the "real thing".
Some people are insecure. Some people are obsessed.
Me, I have no use for porn. I prefer to be able to touch, feel, kiss and hold a real being. Paper just gives me a papercut.
By Deunan, Sep 16 09 5:22 PM
My husband's oldest friend was a journalist, and for a while he was reviewing porn films for top shelf periodicals. He would then pass the video cassettes to us. We watched them together and had a good laugh.
The American ones were the only ones with anything remotely resembling a storyline, the British ones were pretty unimaginative - let's try the same thing from six different angles and it's a wrap - and the German ones were generally very businesslike, with a bit of pain thrown in for luck. As I remember, the only thing they weren't was erotic.
The job ended, the supply ended, and we didn't miss them at all.
I don't think there's a problem unless it is compulsive, and as long as he doesn't try buying it on his wife's expense account.
By lesley153, Sep 16 09 6:18 PM
I wonder if it's somewhat of a generational thing. The Internet porn phenomenon is a relatively new thing, so maybe the fact that people around my age have grown up with it at our fingertips at all moments, it makes it less of a big deal or more normal or whatever. I've never been married or in a live-in relationship, but every guy I've been involved with (and even just friends) has been a casual porn viewer, and been up-front about it and I can't imagine feeling any differently about it just because I happen to marry. Also, most females my age (that I know, anyway) have seen at least some porn themselves, and so understand that it isn't a matter of preferring it to your real-life partner or anything like that. Perhaps first-hand knowledge is less common among older women who were raised thinking it was dirty and unnatural? I don't know.
By guitargoddess, Sep 16 09 6:22 PM
The only one I could almost watch was "What's Behind The Green Door". I could probably find a few dustclad oldies in my house if I wanted to look for them.
By honeybee4, Sep 16 09 6:26 PM
I don't know either. I too am Older Women, and I wasn't raised thinking anything, because my parents wouldn't have dreamt of discussing it - always assuming that they knew it existed.
Some things are generational, but I think that jealousy and insecurity are universal and transcend age.
By lesley153, Sep 16 09 6:40 PM
Porn has been around for many years and always will be, in one form or another. I think people are more open about it now,then they have ever been, liking or not.
By lifeoriley, Sep 17 09 7:15 PM
Good points guitargoddess. I'm glad there are women who have a rather relaxed attitude about porn. I think when it comes down to it all the issue for women has rather to do with themselves:
1.Jealous of "those" women and jealous of the attention they're getting no matter how superficial it is
2.The way they were raised (conservative, religious etc.)
If they display this type of attitude it's inevitable that the guy will try to hide any porn, no matter how small. As with everything, communication and acceptance/respect is key.
By FunWith8, Oct 05 09 6:05 PM
GG, you do realize that a man would find a woman like you to be nearly irresistible?
I do have a funny story about porn to share with you. Many years ago, I worked in the imaging group for a credit card provider. We got all manner of correspondence, including charge disputes. One such dispute involved a customer who got an adult video that promised three-and-a-half hours of action. The customer timed it out to two hours and forty-five minutes, and he sent us the tape to prove it. So I made a copy of the box cover (front an back), imaged it with the letter, and forwarded everything on to our customer service group in Virginia.
I never did watch the tape, but I always wondered...
By cag1970, Oct 08 09 9:45 PM