Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries

Surdoux,

That is terrible! (But very funny. )

Haha!!! Hilarious!

Courtesy of Tommy Cooper:

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Really, ..." says
Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When
I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one
cheaper off the web.

Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was there with their
new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a
bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

Very funny!

I've just been caught in a tidal wave of tonic water.
I nearly got schwepped away

Then there was the cowboy who went into a German car showroom to buy a German car (well what else would he buy?)
The salesman said "Hello"
And the cowboy said"Audi".

(with apologies to Tommy Cooper)

Q. What do you call a girl without legs?
A:........

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Frenchman, a German, a Pole, a Croat, a Serbian, a Russian, a Swede, a Dane, an Italian, a Turk, a Cypriot, a Saudi and an Australian went to a bar.

The bouncer said, “I’m sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.”

Following a particularly bad storm,a guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is purple. He can't believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too. "Oh no!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!"

Q. What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

A. Douglas

Is nake the present tense form of naked?

Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

A: They didn't say anything but just waved!

I was in a pub quiz the other day and my team, along with another, tied for first place. For the 'tie-breaker' we were asked one question, and the first person to shout the correct answer won it for their team. The question was as follows.

'In Paradise Lost, by John Milton, what was the Capital City of Hell?'

No-one from either team knew the answer so both teams started shouting loudly and waving their arms in frustration at the question being too hard. Things got a bit heated and a fight broke out between one team captain and the quiz master.

It was pandemonium.

Q.What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?

A.Douglas.

Q.Did you hear about the baby seal that walked into a club?...

Q.What do you call two naked men in front of a window?

A.Curtain Rod(Kurt and Rod).

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got his pocket picked.
How could anyone stoop so low?

A brass bell and an old sock walk into a bar, The tender, a nice salad, asked what they'd like. After taking their order, the salad told them there was a nice view out the side window and the padded chairs would make them comfortable. They acquiesced and moved, the sock leading the way. The tender, salad, said he'd have the waitress, sauce, bring over their drinks. After they sat and took in the panorama out the window, sauce came over with their drinks. "Who had the Rye and Ginger and who had the Bloody Mary?" Bell said, "The Rye is mine" and sauce placed the drink before him. As she turned to set the Bloody Mary before sock, her ankle twisted in a most unusual way, almost as if she had been sampling the housewares herself. It can be said the drink went all over sock and quickly penetrated his weave. Being an old sock, that sort of thing is what happens. Sauce was embarassed and ran off. Bell brassly said, "I get something to clean you up and have the salad get you another drink." Bell went to the bar and asked salad to make things square and inquired what he would do about it to which salad replied, "Time to lay off the sauce I guess!"

edit: the names have been changed to protect the innocent and the name of the bar where this occurred will never be revealed or recalved or repigletted, take your pick.

Charles Dickens went into a bar and ordered a martini. The barman asked "olive or twist?"

Ah hah! have you been reading my profile page? I love that quote so much I've had it on there since before there was hair.

A neutron went into a bar and ordered a beer. "How much do I owe you?" The barman replied "For you, no charge"

We could save a bunch on cooling bills if we could just get the following to reveal their growing strategies:
Noses grow cold
Trails grow cold
Friendships grow cold, no wait, that's old for the good ones
Anyway, strap noses and trails down and waterboard them 'til they give up their secrets then harvest our cold crops for cooling.

Why is sand wet?
Sea Weed.

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes

Why did the frog cross the road?
To see his flat-mates.

Why did the one-eyed chicken cross the road?

Because it saw a Bird's Eye shop.

I'm still laughing at Surdoux's joke about the Omega 3!!

Reminds me of a British radio show (BBC I'm sure) that dad listened to and loved when I was a kid growing up in Oz. Dad was a 10 pound Pom after WW2. It had Frank Muir and Denis Norden. Think it was called 'My Word'? At the conclusion of the show there was a story that ended up with an appalling pun on a sentence one of them had been given earlier.

I still remember "You can't have your cake and eat it too" being turned into "You can't have your kayak and heat it too". Brilliant show - perhaps partly to blame for my lifelong love of puns and groan-inducing jokes.

The one I remember from my word is

My Bee loves me because I'm a landowner - from maybe because I am a Londoner

Anyone whose appetite is whetted by these puns may be able to find a few more if they can get hold of any of the books published by Eyre Methuen in the 1970s, which collected about a hundred of them. The titles were “You Can't Have Your Kayak And Heat It”, “Upon My Word!”, “Take My Word For It” and “Oh, My Word!”. I think there may have been one or two more published later. To appreciate them properly, you need to read (or preferably hear) the ingenious shaggy-dog stories that lead up to them.

Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic. Lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

I agree totally, TabbyTom. The stories leading up to the final punchline were highly entertaining. I know I, and presumably others, was always thinking as I was listening about how this amusing tale would end up with that final punchline. So clever! I'll certainly have to find those books.

I recall a similar radio show from the late 60s or early 70s and one skit in particular where the contestant/guest had to do a pun on the word 'Eureka'. I have forgotten a lot of the joke, but it involved Archimedes and an E-type Jaguar. The punchline went something like 'Your-E-car, I have found it!'

Great one, Mountain goat, thats what I call a joke.