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#592261 - Sat Feb 05 2011 05:08 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: DaisiJ]
Bruyere Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat Feb 10 2001
Posts: 18604
Loc: California USA
I saw this one this morning.

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's an obscure number. You probably haven't heard of it.

Here's another one with the disclaimer...my own Methodist heritage enables me to laugh at this one!

Q: How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We choose not to make a statement of either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb however, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way,long-lived, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ.


Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two - one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say "Good on yer, mate!"


Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1: Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?

2: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?

3: Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb, or perhaps ...

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

2: Huh? The light's out?

3: None: only the inner light matters.

And here's a good one:


A man was polishing a light-bulb before inserting it into the socket, when there was a big flash and a genie appeared before him.

`I am the genie of the light-bulb,' he said.

`I will answer any three questions for you - but only three. Do you have three questions you would like to ask?'

`Who? Me?' said the man.

`Yes, you,' said the genie.

`Now, what is your third question?'
_________________________
I was born under a wandering star.

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#594785 - Sat Feb 12 2011 07:26 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Bruyere]
tezza1551 Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Tue Feb 05 2008
Posts: 439
Loc: Western Australia
So how many dogs does it take to change a lightglobe ?

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
I can do it just as quickly and efficiently as any human can. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Lab:
Oh, me, me!! Puhleeez let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Newfoundland:
Let the Border Collie do it and then you can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I'll just blow into the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. And by the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
Change it?? While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Irish Setter:
Huh?

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...

Mastiff:
We Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:
"Yo quiero Taco Bulb."

Pointer:
I see it, the light bulb, there it is, there it is, right there....

Greyhound:
If it isn't moving, who cares?

Australian Cattle Dog:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I Don't see a light bulb. Maybe if you just trim the hair over my eyes a bit...

Hound Dog:
Zzzzzzzzzz...

Cat:
Cats don't change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So how long will it be before I can expect light?
_________________________
“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!”

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#594835 - Sat Feb 12 2011 11:29 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: tezza1551]
mehaul Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Wed Feb 03 2010
Posts: 6290
Loc: Florida USA
A generous bar walks into a room full of neatfreaks and says, "Drinks are on me!"
_________________________
If you aren't seeing Heaven while you dream, you're doing something wrong.
Dreams allow escape from the passage of Time.

The ultimate activity is the Dream.

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#594870 - Sun Feb 13 2011 03:49 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: mehaul]
Eraserhead Offline
Prolific

Registered: Tue Feb 25 2003
Posts: 1825
Loc: Outer Sydney NSW Australia    
Two baby harp seals walk into a club................


(Eraserhead ducks the stones thrown by the animal lovers with no sense of humour)
_________________________
Don't hatch all of your eggs in the one basket 'til the chicken hits the fan.

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#609842 - Mon Mar 28 2011 05:54 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: mehaul]
Sawy586 Offline
Learning the ropes...

Registered: Sat Nov 20 2010
Posts: 4
Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

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#609843 - Mon Mar 28 2011 05:58 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Sawy586]
Sawy586 Offline
Learning the ropes...

Registered: Sat Nov 20 2010
Posts: 4
This one isn't exactly a joke. It's a quote from one of my all-time favorite video games, Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.

Gaz: Good newz first. We've got a civil war in Russia, Ultranationalists against loyalists, with 15,000 nukes at stake.
Captain Price: Just another day at the office.
Gaz: Khaled Al-Asad. Second most powerful man in the Middle East. Word has it he's got the resources to be top dog down there. Intel's keeping an eye on him.
Captain Price: And the bad news?
Gaz: We've got a new guy, fresh from Selection. His name's Soap.

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#609847 - Mon Mar 28 2011 06:15 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Sawy586]
Sawy586 Offline
Learning the ropes...

Registered: Sat Nov 20 2010
Posts: 4
Q: How many idiots does it take to open a champagne bottle?
A: Normally, one. But when the corkscrew breaks INSIDE the cork, you'd be surprised at how many people it takes to open it. Trust me. I know.



Q: How many hippies does it take to change a tire?
A: Umm... hang on, I'll just ask these hippies over here to change my tire...

--Five Hours Later--

The hippies still haven't changed my tire... I don't think they can. The answer? Oh, that would be... billions. Yeah, it would undoubtedly take a few billion hippies to get the MESSAGE THROUGH TO CHANGE MY GOD D*** TIRE!!!!


Edited by ozzz2002 (Mon Mar 28 2011 06:20 PM)
Edit Reason: removing profanity

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#609853 - Mon Mar 28 2011 07:16 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: sue943]
golfmom08 Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Sun Feb 20 2011
Posts: 183
Loc: Florida USA        
What's the difference between a reindeer and a caribou?

Reindeer can fly.

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#610671 - Thu Mar 31 2011 06:01 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: golfmom08]
ren33 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 12002
Loc: Fanling
  Hong Kong      
There was a Scottish painter named S Hamish Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Hamish put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Hamish was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Hamish clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.


Hamish was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and
cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

(you're going to hate me for this)











"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
_________________________
Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

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#610698 - Thu Mar 31 2011 08:28 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ren33]
tezza1551 Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Tue Feb 05 2008
Posts: 439
Loc: Western Australia
Love it Ren. I do enjoy a bad pun.
_________________________
“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!”

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#610854 - Thu Mar 31 2011 02:55 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: tezza1551]
ozzz2002 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Mon Dec 03 2001
Posts: 18443
Loc: Sydney NSW Australia        
Is there a word that means 'to laugh groaningly', or 'to groan laughingly'? smile
_________________________
The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not smashing it.

Editor, Hobbies and Sports, and Forum Moderator

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#611673 - Sun Apr 03 2011 05:41 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ozzz2002]
mountaingoat Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Fri Jun 22 2007
Posts: 390
Loc: Blue Mountains NSW Australia
Hey Buryere, I heard that Methodists don't believe in sex because it may lead to dancing lol.

A man buys a drink in a bar and the barman says "No worries donkey." He returns and says "Here is your drink donkey."

A man sitting next him asks him about why he called him donkey.

The man replies "He aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."

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#611738 - Sun Apr 03 2011 11:28 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: mountaingoat]
Bruyere Offline
Star Poster

Registered: Sat Feb 10 2001
Posts: 18604
Loc: California USA
Good one on the Methodists.

Here are a few:

How do you know that Adam was a Baptist?

Only a Baptist could stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.


A Lutheran pastor and his wife were driving along Lake Shore Drive, in Chicago, and they were pulled over for speeding. As officer O'Malley approached the pastor, he saw the pastor's clerics, and mistook him for a Roman Catholic priest. "Oh, sorry about dat, fader. Uh, just try and slow it down a little, OK?" As they drove away, the pastor's wife said, "Shame on you, Harold! That was unethical. You know who he thought you were!" "Oh, I know who he thought I was," replied the pastor. "I'm just wondering who he thought you were."
_________________________
I was born under a wandering star.

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#613488 - Fri Apr 08 2011 04:07 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Sawy586]
Eraserhead Offline
Prolific

Registered: Tue Feb 25 2003
Posts: 1825
Loc: Outer Sydney NSW Australia    
Originally Posted By: Sawy586


Q: How many hippies does it take to change a tire?
A: Umm... hang on, I'll just ask these hippies over here to change my tire...

--Five Hours Later--

The hippies still haven't changed my tire... I don't think they can. The answer? Oh, that would be... billions. Yeah, it would undoubtedly take a few billion hippies to get the MESSAGE THROUGH TO CHANGE MY GOD D*** TIRE!!!!


The problem Sawy, is that the tire has to WANT to change.
_________________________
Don't hatch all of your eggs in the one basket 'til the chicken hits the fan.

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#614164 - Mon Apr 11 2011 09:57 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Eraserhead]
gillyharold Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 5883
Loc: Michigan USA
I knew of a baby born in France and raised only on goose liver spread. He was paté trained.

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#620601 - Sat Apr 30 2011 02:18 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: gillyharold]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 294
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    
My normally fast snail hasn't been winning any races lately so I took it's shell off to make it lighter, but it's just made it more sluggish
_________________________
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#624165 - Wed May 11 2011 10:40 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: surdoux]
surdoux Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Wed Feb 17 2010
Posts: 294
Loc: Nottinghamshire England UK    
My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."
_________________________
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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#632776 - Thu Jun 09 2011 07:33 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: surdoux]
Carti Offline
Participant

Registered: Thu Jun 09 2011
Posts: 23
Loc: Athenry Ireland
Ryan Giggs, Manchester United's Welsh footballer, says that he feels quite at home nowadays living in Lancashire, but that he does miss Wales occasionally.

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#632778 - Thu Jun 09 2011 08:11 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Carti]
deputygary Offline
Enthusiast

Registered: Thu May 24 2007
Posts: 279
Loc: South Dakota USA
One day a vulture bought a ticket on an airline. He showed up at the gate with two dead raccoons under his arms. The gate agent stopped him and say: "I'm sorry sir. We only allow one carrion per passenger."
_________________________
"When you argue for your limitations, they become yours."--Richard Bach, Illusions

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#638759 - Mon Jul 04 2011 05:50 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: deputygary]
Carti Offline
Participant

Registered: Thu Jun 09 2011
Posts: 23
Loc: Athenry Ireland
Why should you never stand in line behind Satan in the queue at the Post Office?

Because the devil takes many forms.

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#639365 - Thu Jul 07 2011 02:20 PM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: Carti]
ren33 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 12002
Loc: Fanling
  Hong Kong      
Two Paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'
_________________________
Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

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#639692 - Sat Jul 09 2011 07:25 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ren33]
ren33 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 12002
Loc: Fanling
  Hong Kong      
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!',and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer dead and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner....

'I think my missus caught a glimpse.....
_________________________
Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

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#642829 - Sun Jul 24 2011 07:17 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ren33]
ren33 Offline
Moderator

Registered: Thu Sep 30 1999
Posts: 12002
Loc: Fanling
  Hong Kong      
Glasgow ned strutting down the street with his brand new white trainers on with only one lace tied. His mate says, "Here ya dobber, one a ya laces is undone."
"Away wi' ya! Yo'only ment tae hiv one tied cos the sticker on the sole sais 'Taiwan'!"
_________________________
Wandering aimlessly through FT since 1999.

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#643703 - Thu Jul 28 2011 11:12 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: ren33]
mehaul Offline
Forum Champion

Registered: Wed Feb 03 2010
Posts: 6290
Loc: Florida USA
The new Australian survival film about an ex-cop who messes up the Norse god Thor's dwelling in Asgard: "Mad Max, Beyond Thunderhome"

The tale of a Southern belle who got fed up with the fowl(sic) drawl her parrot was using, an avian friend who continually pawned family heirlooms and who she then put into the freezer so she wouldn't have to hear it anymore: "To Chill a Hockingbird"

The epic about a man's bird's lice that he killed by spitting tobacco juice on them: "One Chew Onto the Cuckoo's Pest"
_________________________
If you aren't seeing Heaven while you dream, you're doing something wrong.
Dreams allow escape from the passage of Time.

The ultimate activity is the Dream.

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#643810 - Fri Jul 29 2011 12:19 AM Re: Bad Jokes? Post Here! [Re: mehaul]
mayneeyak Offline
Forum Adept

Registered: Wed Oct 27 2010
Posts: 145
Loc: Northern Ontario Canada  
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Hellifino...



Have you ever heard of the grocery store called Loblaw's?

My cousin Bob works there so I call him BobLoblaw. (lol say it fast)



A man and his dog walk into a talent agency.

"So what is special about your dog mister?", asks the talent seeker.

The man answers, "Just you watch! He will amaze you because he can talk."

As the talent agent watches, the man begins asking the dog questions.

"Hey Rover, how does sandpaper feel to you?"

"Rruff!" says the dog.

The agent rolls his eyes.

The man continues, "Hey Rover, what is the top of a house called?"

"RRroof!", answers the dog.

"This better get better quick" exclaims the agent.

"OK OK", says the man excitedly, "This will convince you of his brilliance.

The dog owner looks the dog straight in the eye and seriously queries, "Rover? Think hard on this one. In your opinion, who is the best man to ever have played baseball?"

Rover responds perfectly with the answer, "Rrruuth!"

"GET OUT" yells the agent. "That's the hokiest dog trick ever. He's got no talent so beat it!"

As the man and Rover are walking down the street, Rover looks up at the very dejected man and says, "I'm sorry I screwed up boss. Do you think I should have said Joe DiMaggio?"
_________________________
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.


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